The Big Society: Tory detox or ideological smokescreen?

March 7, 2011, 8:05 am

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I live a bi-polar life on this island: a week in Scotland, a week in London, chasing opportunities and doing family in both. I don't know whether it affords me any particularly novel insight into the socio-political currents at either end of this landmass at the moment. But sometimes the edges rub together interestingly. Last week, for example, was dominated by my tentative engagement with the hot idea currently attracting pundits, enterprises and other chancers to its surface, like filings to a magnet: the Tories' (and now the Coalition's) concept of the Big Society. The first thing to say about it, wearing my Caledonian breeks, is how unnecessary it seems in the Scottish context – even in its guise as a detoxification of the Tory brand. With Scotland never having bought into the Thatcherite notion that there was no such thing as society, Cameron's revisionism – "there is, but it's not the same as the state" – has very little velcro up here.

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Also, our relatively advanced constitutional set-up has meant that the SNP minority government has had to find overlaps with the Tories on their pet issues (bobbies on the beat, support for small business). But in doing so, they've dragged the Conservatives into the social-democratic consensus of Scottish policy on public services. They either tacitly or actively support budgets and settlements to extend or defend social provision, in ways that the deficit hawks currently running Whitehall would screech at. However, in an England under the full writ of Westminster, the mood is much more febrile. My favourite groups down here at the moment are the Compass grouping within the Labour Party – the intelligent centre-left – and the New Economics Foundation, a green think-tank. Both are extremely lucid about what the Big Society means – essentially a cloying ideological smokescreen shrouding an audacious privatisation of public services and the welfare state. The standard line is that the Big Society's appeal to the joys of volunteering and social enterprise is incredibly naïve and ill-considered – as if hundreds of thousands of newly unemployed public sector workers somehow "clears the way" for charities and NGOs to fill the gaps left in social services. For example, closed libraries are now offered to communities to run on a voluntary basis – as if a public library service was an amateur activity on a par with craft classes, and should be allowed to prosper solely on the vine of local enthusiasm. And as the NEF's Anna Coote says, with much of the debatably-deficit-driven cuts meaning the withdrawal of grants to voluntary organisations from local councils, the Big Society comes to seem faintly pathological. They urge a new age of pro-social activism, while kicking the guts out of the fabric of charities and enterprises that could deliver it. Even when the Big Society advocates think they're stealing the clothes of the early socialist movement – for example, encouraging nurses to come together as cooperatives or mutuals, to pitch their caring services to newly deregulated health markets – nobody really trusts them. There have been too many slavering statements from the large commercial public service providers, looking forward to picking up business as these inexperienced initiatives crash and burn. As far as the English debate goes, it seems to be that the centre-left is marshalling its arguments and forces quite well. I attended a Westminster committee-room public meeting on the topic last week: and other than the usual mist-wreathed Hogwarts-like experience of walking through the halls of the Mother of Parliaments, the speakers sounded completely tooled-up and ready for the coming few years of battle. But I'd had a strange experience with the writings of the single Tory represented in that meeting, Jesse Norman MP (author of a book on The Big Society) – an experience which I agonised over in a lunchtime seminar to the Young Foundation last Tuesday. On the Monday, I'd been wearing another of my London hats as a creative consultant – devising strategies to convince large companies that they should adopt a play-based approach to their ad and marketing expenditure. We cited the work of computer-games analyst Sebastian Deterding, for whom the test of a great game experience is that it allows "meaning, mastery and autonomy". That evening, preparing for the next day's presentation by reading Norman's book, I came upon a passage where he talked about the main motivational drives behind the Big Society, which were – you guessed it – "meaning, mastery and autonomy". I worried away at this for about an hour, in discussion and slides, with the collected wonks and wonkettes. So, shock-horreur: does this mean that my play-advocacy, after all these years, is really an example of blithe New Tory incoherence (at best), or mendacity (at worst)? Ehm, no. But what it did sharpen up is my sense of how unscrupulous the Cameronistas are in their attempt to unravel English social infrastructure before the next general election. It's very easy to see the Big Society as an attempt to gull the aspirational and "creative" classes into supporting widescale privatisation, by talking their beloved language – specifically, appealing to their desire to achieve personal wellbeing through pro-social activities. Even if one puts to the side the accurate objections of the centre-left, the Big Society falls down on its own terms, unravelled by the Oscar Wilde one-liner about the problem with socialism: "it will take too many evenings". One might imagine that there could be a joyful, playful volunteerism to be pursued – if the Conservatives got tough with business and regulated for a shorter working week (say 30 hours), without a directly proportionate wage reduction. This would provide a rich systemic support to all that volunteering which, of course, has already been going on (one of the sharpest objections to the Big Society is that it's an opportunistic re-branding of what already exists). But really, can you imagine a party that's brazen enough to preach democracy in Egypt, while hawking arms to Arab autocracies, taking that kind of stand against squealing employers? So, an odd few days in Londinium. I regularly meet many good, solid and intelligent people there; but I'm gradually becoming aware that – even before any constitutional upheavals – there is already an inexorable break-up of Britain going on, in terms of basic policy agendas. Some places are even odder, though. The two headlines that met me at Glasgow Central Station were, on the progressive side, Scottish Labour falling in with everyone else on the end of tuition fees; and on the regressive side, the snarling pointlessness of Old Firm machoism. "I'll ha'e nae hauf-way hoose, but aye be/Whaur extremes meet", Hugh Macdiarmid once wrote. Exhausting, but true. - For more from Pat Kane on Scottish current affairs, please go to his Thoughtland blog.

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Pinnacles and pink fluff: not exactly your ordinary climbing guide

March 7, 2011, 8:05 am

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The climbing world lost a very capable and much-liked character on 19 February, with the death from oesophageal cancer of Chris Dale. A qualified mountain guide, Dale spent much of his life in the north of England – he was born in Penrith, spent several years in Sedbergh and lived latterly in Cockermouth. He was aged just 49. Very much a “trad” climber, he would attempt climbs “on sight” from the bottom up, without using any more artificial aid than was absolutely necessary. Numerous Scottish routes were completed – starting with an unroped up-and-down of the Old Man of Stoer when he was aged 16, and progressing to winter first-ascents of seriously hard lines such as Boke on Hell’s Lum Crag at Loch Avon in 1982, The Argonaut on Lochnagar in 1984, Snoopy on the Mainreachan Buttress of Fuar Tholl in 1998 and Cioch Nose Superdirect on Sgurr a’Chaorachain in Applecross in 2003.

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Dale also climbed abroad, in the Alps – for instance on the Aiguille du Grépon and the Aiguille du Plan – and in the Australian Blue Mountains. In his early 30s, he qualified as a professional guide – but, for all the high peaks and the expeditions at altitude, perhaps his most widely known climbing achievement came in 2003, when he reached the summit of lowly Dun Dubh on Skye. This landslip-pinnacle off the side of the Trotternish ridge (or, to put it another way, this exposed and horrendously loose pile of vegetated choss) was said to be the last unclimbed summit in the UK until Dale stood on top. “He was a complete daredevil,” says his friend Stephen Reid, proprietor of Needle Sports in Keswick where Dale worked from time to time. “On his last major holiday, he went to Nepal especially to do a bungee jump which I think is one of the longest in the world.” He was conscientious in his guiding work – for instance Reid recalls hearing of an incident on Creag Meagaidh in which a client slipped and zoomed off downhill, only to be saved when Dale “ran across the slope and leapt on the chap and they were both hurtling down the slope together with Chris trying to do a one-handed ice-axe brake. The chap did hit the boulders, but not hard and he wasn’t badly hurt. Everyone credited Chris with saving his life.” Dale was not just a tremendous climber and guide, however. To quote from the entertaining and engaging Daily Telegraph obituary, “Dale’s other passion was women’s clothing”. He would regularly adopt the glammed-up persona of Crystal – all the more endearing and incongruous given that Dale was six-foot-six and built like the proverbial barn door. He would openly buy women’s clothing, and his Facebook page listed his interests as: “Fluff. Fluffy folk. Pink things. Sparkly stuff. Men in make up. Socks. Clouds. Bed. Danish pastries. Coffee. Mountains.” Not your average hard climber and mountain man, then. A series of warm tributes on UKClimbing.com includes mention of hard climbs – “a precocious talent on the crags”, “rated his skills as a mountaineering instructor very highly and learned a great deal about safety and realising the limits of what was possible”, “a memorable day out … on Tophet Wall and Napes Needle with Chris Dale. A modest and very calm person”. Plus there is fond recollection of the quirkier side – “Modest, humorous and warm. He once had me in stitches with his account of soloing Piers Gill, naked apart from rock shoes”, “Met Chris at a number of parties, he was quite a presence. Always admired his confidence and individualism (striding round, two feet taller than everyone in the room, in a pair of high heels, leopard skin dress and a blonde wig)”. If climbing exposed and technically difficult rock and ice needs nerve and strength of character, then dressing this way among hard mountaineers arguably needs it even more. The climbing-and-walking world is often seen as unreconstructed and “trad” in the other sense – but, for all the dinosaur attitudes of the likes of Don Whillans, Alfred Wainwright and various of the male-dominated clubs, there have also been occasional more unorthodox and exotic exponents. Take, for instance, Jan Morris – known as James Morris when she was the Times correspondent accompanying the 1953 Everest expedition. Or Dennis Gray, old-school hard northern climber who has written about the difficulties of being gay in that world. Or even – perhaps the closest to Dale’s own position and preferences – Walter Poucher, esteemed photographer and head perfumer at Yardleys, often to be seen sporting eyeshadow and other effeminate forms of make-up. Any part of society needs people such as this, not just for variety – it would, as the saying goes, be terrible if we were all the same – but also for their openness and honesty. Although Chris Dale’s cross-dressing was not mentioned at his funeral – possibly out of deference to his parents – he was a fine example of the way in which all forms of social and professional activity can and should transcend gender politics. “I think Chris must have been very brave,” says Reid, “not only with his climbing but socially too. But he was a popular chap, never short of a story to tell – he seemed to have reams of them – and I think that probably helped him through what must have been many awkward moments.”

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Ten ways to rescue the lost art of the acceptance speech

March 7, 2011, 8:05 am

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After he made The King’s Speech, Colin Firth must have known he’d be making a few more speeches. His last one, at the Oscars, wasn’t too bad. He thanked all the relevant parties, did the usual upper-class self-deprecating foppish thing and promised not to disco-dance. The Academy Awards, like other gong shows this year, exemplified how the practice of those who are paid to read out words for a living can fall apart when they do not have the prop of a screenwriter. Oscars producers even banned the whipping out of bits of paper. Listing collaborators, colleagues andfamily members was doing for the show ratings what Charlie Sheen has done in the past week for the Fathers 4 Justice movement. If they don’t have a prepared speech, bad things can happen. Take 2011’s Best Supporting Actress Melissa Leo, who says “I’m kinda speechless” two minutes before she stops speaking, and drops the first F-bomb in the 83-year history of the Oscars, before nicking Kirk Douglas’ walking stick.

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It wasn’t quite Gwyneth levels of awfulness, but it wasn’t the Gettysburg Address, either. Natalie Portman thanked so many colleagues from the camera operators to the woman “who dressed me every day” (is that not her job?), it was surprising not to hear her end her speech with the phone-in staple “…and anyone else who knows me.” Robbie Williams hardly improved on that at the BRITs, greeting Take That’s win for Best Group by shouting “Shabba” for reasons known only to him. Alex Turner from the Arctic Monkeys speeches haven’t been much more graceful. The awards acceptance speech is something of a lost art. Ricky Gervais has some useful pointers – don’t cry (“it’s only an award”), keep it short, “especially if you’re not onscreen talent, no one wants to hear from them” – but here are a few others: 1 Be witty Steve Martin picks up his Mark Twain award and says: “When I look at the list of people who have won this award, it makes me very satisfied. When I look at the list of people who have not won this award, it makes me even more satisfied.” 2 Thank everyone, but only if it’s a joke Namedropped in John Cleese’s BAFTA award-winning speech – Jacques Cousteau, Soren Kierkegaard, Sonny Liston, the Leyton Orient strikers, the RSPB, St Francis of Assisi, the Planet Saturn and all of its rings … and last, but of course not least, God. He forgot his agent. 3 Thank no one Johnny Vegas: “I want to thank loads of people but I keep thinking it’s just down to me and hard work.” Gervais and Steven Merchant took a similar tack after their 2003 Comedy Award. Besides, if you thank everyone and mean it, producers just wished they’d installed a trap door. 4 Just add the surprise element Sandra Bullock won a 2010 Razzie for Worst Actress in the turkey All About Steve. Turning up was one surprise. Wheeling on stage a cart of DVDs for everyone in the audience so that they would re-evaluate their opinion of the film … no one saw that coming. It wasn’t an awards ceremony, but Cleese again made sure no one dozed off during Graham Chapman’s memorial service when he added: “Good riddance to the freeloading bastard”. According to Cleese, it’s what he would have wanted. 5 Insult everyone Don Rickles already had form. In a “roast” to Sinatra, he said: “It’s all over, Frank … gone.” Gene Kelly, George Burns, Orson Welles, Jack “Quincy” Klugman, Ronnie Reagan and others all got it in the neck. The smoking ban is not in evidence here. Paying tribute to Scorsese, he is equally insulting. His acceptance speech for a plaque he received for performing at Caesars Palace Casino is rude to the casino and his representative, his wife, several denominations, Whoopi Goldberg and the residents of New Orleans: “Whoopi’s doing a benefit for Hurricane Katrina, but I won’t be there. I don’t believe in it. My house is fine.” 6 Freewheel Mickey Rourke’s famous Independent Spirit Award win is a symphony of spontaneity – but you have to be Mickey Rourke to carry it off. He starts crying and dedicates the award to his dead dog, Loki. He goes on: “Whatever Eric Roberts did 15 years ago should be forgiven,” while everyone in the room starts Googling their smartphone to see what Eric Roberts’ decade-old misdemeanour actually was. He threatens to kick the ass of The Office’s Rainn Wilson “That little blonde dude who did that thing” after an earlier skit, before taking in the decorative individual who hands out the trinket, the Santa Monica police department, the wrestling community, a producer friend of his – “he’s broke right now so needs the work” – and “everyone at Fox Searchlight, including the little one that I call ‘Gap Tooth’”. 7 Take revenge Tina Fey smacks down bloggers who spewed out hate at her “Dianefan, cougarletter … you can suck it.” Imagine if Old Firm managers did that in post-match interviews. They’d be there all day. 8 Whatever you do, try to avoid shamelessly flaunting your private life – especially if wearing a T-shirt with “Darfur” on it These things stay on YouTube, as Rachel McAdams’ and Ryan Gosling’s subsequent sweethearts know only too well. 9 There’s only one thing worse than being talked about… Robbie Williams again, at the 2000 BRITs, did manage to take the story on, as journalists like to say, suggesting a bout with Oasis’ Liam Gallagher. Result – headlines for weeks. One often-overlooked point about this story – hardman Liam let it be known he was not interested in the fight, via his publicist, via a newspaper. 10 Keep it short When winning Best Supporting Actor for Goodfellas, Joe Pesci said: “It’s my privilege, thank you.” Pesci explained afterwards that it would be terrible to leave the stage with a piece of paper folded in your pocket which you hadn’t used. No excuse for that now. They’re banned.

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Opinion: Old Firm acrimony is a game of two halves

March 7, 2011, 8:05 am

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It is with wariness that I dip a toe into the Old Firm discussion that from time to time features in these pages. Wariness in part due to the strength of feeling invariably expressed – although, as a journalist, I should be encouraged rather than cowed by the prospect. Wariness also because, although I regularly write about sport for The Caledonian Mercury, it is rarely football that catches my attention. Cricket and chess (assuming the latter to be a sport, which is debatable) are my things, even though I have followed football since childhood and will doubtless do so into my looming dotage. But crucially, for what I’m about to say, I lived in Glasgow for a dozen years from the mid-1980s. It’s a city I loved and continue to love – return visits are frequent, lengthy absences are regretted – but I was never a partisan football-watcher. There were a couple of visits to Parkhead, none to Ibrox (although in my running days I would do laps of the old brick exterior), and plenty to the more endearing grounds such as Firhill, Kilbowie-of-fond-memory and others.

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So with Phil Mac Giolla Bhain’s recent thoughts on Old Firm-related matters in mind, please allow me to give four snapshots of west-of-Scotland life:

— Being hit square on the side of the head by an apple-core thrown by one of a group of Rangers fans as I cycled along Ingram Street on the morning of an Old Firm game. Needless to say, the fans found this very amusing – and I would concede that it could have been used for comic effect in a movie, as it was a remarkably accurate throw. But given that I was cycling in heavy traffic at the time, and the bike veered across the road with the impact, it was distinctly unnerving to be on the receiving end. — Travelling by train back to Glasgow from Largs one summer evening, when two of the carriages played host to running battles between men wearing Celtic tops. They were rival factions, and the mayhem went on for 20 minutes or more. The “normal” passengers, including women with small children who had spent the day at the seaside, took refuge behind a barricade of bags, bikes and buggies. The main antagonists were hefty, drunk and middle-aged. Notable among them was a striking, scary man with long curly hair that came down over the shoulders of his Hoops jersey as he bellowed sectarian obscenities and rampaged from one end of the train to the other. — On a late-summer day, picking up two male hitchhikers at Balloch as I drove out for an evening wander in the Luss hills. They were heading home to Helensburgh after a Rangers match. Despite only having been in the car for the five minutes it took to reach the Arden junction, I later discovered that they had rifled through my rucksack and taken my wallet. More fool me, I guess, for picking them up. — For several years I lived close to one of the main Celtic pubs, scene of frequent violent trouble, hardly any of it reported or punished. Most nights, at roughly 4am, a Glasgow council refuse truck would noisily uplift large recycling containers full of bottles and cans. This served to wake numerous people, but residents were wary of trying to get it stopped. It was reckoned to involve (a) some pretty hard characters of the Glasgow gangster variety, and (b) an unholy and almost certainly illegal arrangement between the pub landlord and persons unknown, possibly quite high up, in the Glasgow council cleansing department. Perhaps rashly (actually, no: certainly rashly), I took it upon myself to pursue this when the pub applied for an extension of its hours – with the result that I was openly threatened by one of the heavies at the licensing-board meeting. A Glasgow CID officer gave me a direct-line emergency phone route to his office and very firmly made the point that I shouldn’t hesitate to use this if required. As it was, there proved to be no need – although other indirect threats were made and it was with relief that I moved elsewhere a few months later.

Just four incidents, but I could quote others, and many Strathclyde residents past and present will have similar tales. My point is that such things happen courtesy of both sides of the Old Firm divide, pretty much equally insofar as I have ever been able to tell. It could be argued that there is no real “Old Firm divide” in any practical sense. It’s just one big amorphous mass of bile and bigotry, involving two internal factions who happen to go round wearing different-coloured uniforms. Other than that, there is no discernable difference between them – just as there is no discernable difference between the more formal echelons of the two clubs. They’re both big businesses attempting to tap the same male, tribal, relentlessly beery west-of-Scotland market. Also note this: each of the quoted examples involves adherents to either Celtic or Rangers acting unpleasantly not to their tribal enemies, but to random, neutral bystanders. I’m reminded of a scene in The Sopranos where Tony Soprano becomes angered that “civilians” have become entangled in some vicious internecine gang feud. For Old Firm thugs there are no civilians, no non-combatants – at least not among those living in or visiting west-central Scotland. Talk to people in Glasgow – often well-educated, non-violent, reasonable people – and a pattern of thinking emerges. There is a connection between the prevailing left-of-centre politics of the area and the idea that Celtic are somehow the more politically correct of the two clubs. This is linked to the left’s belief that the Irish republican cause is, ultimately, a just one. Therefore, so the argument goes, the excesses of a few Celtic fans can be downplayed or even airbrushed because of the greater socio-political context, whereas misbehaviour by the Rangers hardcore is inexcusable and deserves to be highlighted. I freely admit to simplification here, although these beliefs do often seem to be generally expressed in a cartoonish, simplistic way. This is a monumentally complex subject, but from where I stand a thug is a thug, no matter what football top they’re wearing or what their background or leanings. To suggest otherwise seems akin to the grimly laughable, unhelpfully romanticised idea that a kneecapping is more justifiable if sanctioned by an IRA man with a university degree rather than by a UDA man who reads the Daily Sport. The reality is that the pain and the grief is the same either way. As to how to lessen the blight that bipartisan football violence inflicts on Glasgow, the answers – if there are any – are big ones, involving social restructuring, a wholesale rethink of segregated education (otherwise these problems will recur endlessly), and doing something serious about the uncivil partnership of men and alcohol. The recent attention-grabbing suggestion that Old Firm games should be banned seems impractical, not least because no sporting league could function if two of its members (in this case its two most successful and powerful members) were legally prevented from facing each other. Behind closed doors, maybe. Neutral far-away venues, maybe – although Manchester is unlikely to be in the queue to oblige. But wholesale banning just couldn’t work. Or, rather, it couldn’t with two teams in the same league. If the fixture simply wasn’t scheduled – as with Scotland–England after the demise of the Home Internationals – then there is scope. Trouble is, that would require Celtic and Rangers to occupy different leagues – eg one staying in the SPL while the other joined the Barclays Premier League. And that, in a way, gets to the nub of the issue: the Old Firm need to be in the same league, battling four, five, six, seven times per season, because they are meaningless alone. They are two sides of the same coin, an equal-and-opposite duality, twin stars forever locked into a mutual orbit – and as bad as each other.

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The Alternative Board – a lateral-thinking approach to business

March 11, 2011, 7:14 pm

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When going to business meetings or attending networking groups, a vast army of “business coaches” seems to have grown up. At one recent meeting in Edinburgh, there were more coaches present than there were real businesses. Few of the latter seemed interested in the help on offer, and the propositions all sounded rather similar. It’s hard to see how any of them could succeed in such a crowded market. The evidence, such as it is, suggests that many of them are hardly making a living at all. A recent survey for mysalary.co.uk claimed that the average income for business coaches in Scotland was just over £21,000, not exactly the best advert for the quality of their services – or perhaps it’s just a good example of cobblers’ bairns! When you speak to business owners, however, many will admit that they need some help in developing their companies. But they seem to be suspicious about those individuals, who often talk in a strange jargon, making great claims for their techniques and charging heavily for the privilege as well. Business owners will sometimes admit to needing a non-executive director, but can’t afford one.

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Enter The Alternative Board (or TAB, as it is known to members), which launches in Scotland this month. Founded in the USA, TAB celebrates its 21st anniversary this year, having helped thousands of firms in the process. Its creator was an entrepreneur named Allen Fishman. He had taken his consumer electronics company, Tipton Centers, from a relatively small private concern to a full stock market listing. When the firm had gone public, Fishman found he was able to direct the company more effectively as a result of business advice, ideas and motivation from his board of both executive and non-executive directors. Non-executives are paid outside advisers, usually working for other organisations, who offer the guidance that owners of privately held businesses don’t often get. After taking early retirement, Fishman began to develop the idea of providing a “board of directors” to small- and medium-sized enterprises. The first TAB was set up in 1990. The idea is simple: bring together a group of business owners and get them to meet as a “board” once a month to share expertise, brainstorm business challenges, solve problems and set goals for each other. The idea quickly spread throughout the USA and was also adopted in Canada and parts of South America. However, it only came to the UK about 18 months ago, initially in the north of England. The man who has brought it to Scotland, Stephen Heslop, was looking for a new challenge after 27 years in the fast-moving consumer goods sector. Originally trained as an engineer, Heslop quickly moved into general management, dealing with everything from operational and commercial positions to strategic planning. He has dealt with business development, rationalisation and helped business turn-around. He ended as chief executive of the Real Good Food Company, a food manufacturing group with a turnover of over £200m. Heslop was persuaded to buy a franchise in TAB. Initially, his area covers the Lothians and Fife, but he has ambitions to expand rapidly over the next five years. In fact, he wants to become the dominant business development organisation across the central belt. He has a deal which lets him buy up new areas as the business grows. “My personal interest,” Heslop explains, “is in business improvement. The aim is to develop teams that deliver superior results and individuals who have aspirations to achieve particular things in life. The idea is to get people to change their perspective and actually achieve those things and we have a unique proposition to get them to do that. “The elements that we have are all around peer support. The members are answerable to each other, not to me. That’s very important. In the board meetings, I simply chair the sessions. I don’t offer my own advice. The members need to bring their problems to the table where they can be discussed. They then offer ideas for solutions. If the business owner accepts them, then he has to make a commitment to implement them and report back to the group on what he’s done.” However, Heslop is available to members for one-to-one support at other times. He can advise them on how best to implement the suggestions put forward in the meetings. He can talk through their strategy and help to clarify it. He helps the business owners to define a vision for both themselves and their business. “Think of it this way,” he says. “Running a business is like riding a bicycle. The front wheel steers you in one direction or another. The back wheel is the engine which powers the process. The rider is the person with the vision to aim for the destination. But unless everything is working well and together, you won’t get far!” TAB applies its own philosophy to its development and growth. Stephen Heslop may be the only franchise holder in Scotland at the moment, but he attends UK board meetings of the organisation. Together with the other franchise owners, he will discuss the issues facing him and invite them to suggest strategies. He then has to report back on how they have worked. He can certainly report considerable interest in this part of the country. He has been attending networking meetings almost daily and has attracted potential members at almost every one. He is arranging a series of “proto-board” meetings this month, where those people can try out the concept in practice before deciding whether or not to make a commitment. Heslop has also been encouraged by the reaction of one major bank (he won’t yet say which), which wants to offer the TAB approach to its business clients. “They believe it will add a degree of security to any lending,” he explains. “Instead of lending to an individual, they’re lending to an organisation which has in effect non-executive directors in place to help keep the business on track.” Heslop's challenge now will be to turn the interest into long-term commitments. The costs start at £400 a month for businesses with a turnover of up to £1m. TAB claims that most of those who join will stay for up to five years, only leaving because they have grown their companies to the point where they can sell them and either move on to something else or retire.

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Video: marketing in the online age

March 11, 2011, 7:14 pm

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The internet has changed almost all of the traditional rules about marketing. You only have to look at the slump in advertising on TV and in the print media to realise that the money is going where the people are - online. Marketing guru Grant Leboff of the Sticky Marketing Club, spoke to a Vistage meeting all this fits together.

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Five reasons why the AV system should be voted out

March 11, 2011, 7:14 pm

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“HE needs bulletproof vests, not an alternative voting system,” say the posters that oppose the proposed change. There are many arguments why we should reject the alternative voting (AV) system, but this is not one of them. Indeed, it is a shame, really, that the anti-AV campaign has felt the need to resort to such simplistic and erroneous arguments so early in the debate, because it doesn’t need to. If AV is the right system for Britain to adopt, if it is really going to improve our democracy the way the pro-AV campaigners feel it will, then we should adopt it whether it costs millions of pounds or not. So this is not about a choice between bulletproof vests for soldiers on the frontline and a new voting system, this is a choice between our existing system and a new one. It is as simple and as straightforward as that, and anyone who tries to tie it in with protection for our armed forces is doing the whole debate a disservice.

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The irony is, though, that the anti-AV campaign doesn’t need to be sly about its arguments. All it needs to do to stand a good chance of winning the debate is to point out that the current system actually works pretty well. Here are five arguments they could use to see off the pro-AV campaigners in the referendum in May: 1 – The current system works. First-past-the-post (FPTP) might not be the most equitable system to divvy-up seats, because third parties tend to be under-represented when all the votes are counted and the seats are allocated. But, whether it is the most fair system or not, it works. FPTP has, generally, delivered the outcome the country wanted to see. From the 18 years of Conservative government to the 13 years of Labour rule, elections have – by and large – reflected the will of the people. Even the current coalition model, although it has been much derided, actually reflects the slightly hesitant view of the electorate going into last year’s election. Far better, it would seem, to have a system which reflects the mood of those key swing voters who carry with them the mood of the nation, than to hand it those candidates who come third, fourth or fifth. 2 – FPTP usually delivers strong government. This is tied in to the way our current system tends to reflect the mood of the country. This current coalition is very unusual in British politics. For most of the last century, the country has had strong, authoritative administrations which have been able to govern decisively for years: unlike the situation in many other European countries with proportional representation. 3 – AV is not actually backed by any major political party in Britain. It is difficult to overestimate how important this is. If the system is so good, why are none of the parties actually in favour of it? We are being offered AV because of a fudge, a compromised hammered out between parties, none of which wants to introduce it as the country’s favoured voting system. It is appalling that we are being asked to vote on a system nobody thinks is the best one for us. 4 – The real argument here is between FPTP and single transferable vote (STV). The Lib Dems want STV, not AV. If that is what they want, then we should have a real and proper debate about the merits of a fair system of proportional representation and the current winner-takes-all system. That is the real argument. If the Lib Dems really want STV, they should fight for it and hold out for it, and not accept being saddled with a shoddy compromise. 5 – There is no reason to change the system if it’s not broken. I worked at Westminster during the dying days of the John Major government, which had such a narrow majority it risked defeat on every vote. The precarious nature of that administration reflected the public mood and worked at keeping the government from doing anything too outrageous. I also had the opportunity – which not enough people do – of seeing the House of Lords at work on a daily basis. A lot of the commentators who now have a go at the Commons voting system were the same ones who took great delight in lambasting the Lords, without ever taking the time to study what the Lords were doing , or how they were doing it. I make no apology for saying this: the Lords worked. I saw it at first-hand, covering debates on a range of issues when no one else was paying the chamber any attention whatsoever. The Lords did what it did well. It was a revising chamber which revised, amended and criticised government legislation, usually adopting a thoroughly laudable non-party and non-partisan approach. Yes, there were some doddery old fools there and, yes, others were just there to pick up their allowances – but there were also many brilliant minds. The chamber contained astute former statesmen, philosophers, academics and experts in many fields, all of whom were peers of quality and depth who refused to be brow-beaten by the party whips. Yet, despite all that, it became somehow an accepted political truism that the Lords needed to be reformed, to be changed, to be turned into an all-elected second chamber. This is a development which – when it happens – will ruin forever the extraordinarily important place that the Lords plays in British political life. It has almost reached the same situation with our voting system. “It’s not fair, so it has to go,” is the argument. But I don’t buy that and I hope the voters don’t buy it either. No, FPTP might not be the most fair system in much the same way as an appointed upper chamber is not the most democratic way of running a legislature, but they both work. Indeed, they both work really, really well, so the bottom line has to be: if it ain’t broke, then there is no reason, no reason at all, why anyone should make any kind of attempt (let alone a half-arsed one that no one supports) to fix it.

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U16 football: Loanhead Miners 0 – 3 Haddington Athletic

March 11, 2011, 7:14 pm

≫ Next: Is it a case of waiting for the Libyan smoke to clear?

≪ Previous: Five reasons why the AV system should be voted out

By Stuart Crawford The last time these sides met in Division 1 of the Youth Football Association south-east region, exactly a month earlier, it was one of the more bad-tempered contests at this level – so the hope was that the pattern would not be repeated. Haddington travelled to Loanhead reasonably confident, but not complacent, after their victory last time. Just as well, for in the first 15 minutes or so the home side pinned them into their own half – but without seriously threatening the Haddington goal. The visitors were lacklustre and quiet, with Loanhead looking the sharper team. Haddington battled back into the game, though, with their midfield slowly wakening-up and their pacy forward-line beginning to stretch the home defence. Inevitably it seemed, the breakthrough came when the big, strong Haddington striker turned his man inside the penalty box and hit a lovely curving shot into the Loanhead net with his less-favoured left foot.

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The second wasn’t long in coming. The Loanhead defence was having all sorts of trouble with the pace of Haddington’s striker, and once again he bamboozled the left back, brushed off a couple of challenges and slotted the ball past the Loanhead keeper. Haddington went in at half-time two goals up. The second half was a much less equal affair, with Loanhead up against it for most of the time. The visitors started to pass the ball much better and began to create many more chances – but, despite dominating the play, they couldn’t get the killer third goal. Haddington hit the bar twice in quick succession, but the ball would just not go in for them. Then came the best Loanhead move of the match. The ball was played out to their tall left-winger who was having a good game. Despite some close attention, he managed to get in a cross (I think it went through the defender’s legs) and the ball broke kindly to one of the Loanhead strikers. A goal seemed certain, but somehow the Haddington keeper got out and saved with his legs, then scrambled to pick up the loose ball. It was, I think, the only time the visitor’s goalie touched the ball in the second half. Haddington put the tie to bed with a wonderful individual goal when one of their players jinked and jouked through several Loanhead players before slamming the ball over the goalie’s head. That was effectively the game over, with no way back for the home side. Loanhead continue to prop up the bottom of the table, but their team has one or two neat players and this was a much more disciplined display. They badly need both a win to lift morale and a bit of luck in front of goal. Haddington continue to be strong all over the field once they settle and concentrate on the game in hand.

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Is it a case of waiting for the Libyan smoke to clear?

March 11, 2011, 7:14 pm

≫ Next: Robinson prefers Jackson to Parks as he targets Twickenham

≪ Previous: U16 football: Loanhead Miners 0 – 3 Haddington Athletic

So the Libyan revolution has stalled – or has it? As in every major conflict, Western correspondents are finding it hard to separate fact from fiction – even more so in Libya, however, as they are not “embedded” with either side, and this spells danger for them, big time. Often finding themselves stranded in no man’s land, these seasoned war correspondents are having to pick up what crumbs of information they are given from either side. Twenty-four-hour news means that they must report that Muammar Gaddafi’s regime appears to have made major successes in its struggle to recover lost territory, while at the same time they must tell the world that Gaddafi has appealed for talks to negotiate his safe passage into exile. Having done that, they then add the caveat that these reports have been denied, so may not be true. You can sense the frustration in their voices.

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What has become clear, however, is that so far the Libyan rebels are not seeking outside help. Far from it: former Libyan justice minister Mustafa Abdul Jalil, who heads a transitional rebel council in Benghazi, has made it clear that “we will never accept any foreign intervention and any foreigners who try to do so will face the same fate as Gaddafi’s mercenaries”. So what did the Foreign Office expect to achieve by sending in the SAS on that bungled mission? If it was a publicity stunt for the coalition government, then resignations are in order, for the mission could have ended in bloodshed. If, on the other hand, a genuine attempt was made to contact rebel leaders, then it was misguided: when the rebels want British help they will no doubt ask for it. In any case, after the Iraq fiasco, it is doubtful that potential leaders of a reshaped Arab world will want to be seen consorting with US or British officers, even if they want to. It is worth remembering that Egypt’s Hosni Mubarak begged the US and Britain not to invade Iraq because of the extra pressures it would put on him internally, by an Egyptian populace that would see the invasion as an attack on the Arab and Muslim world, especially in view of the unresolved Palestinian question. I doubt anyone will be saluting Gaddafi’s indefatigability for having survived 41 years in power by means of an intelligence network that is inwardly focused and ruthlessly efficient in rooting out his enemies. Even so, loose talk of a no-fly zone, enforced humanitarian aid or a military presence of any kind other than to evacuate foreign residents could upset Libyan sensibilities. There may have been some calls for Western intervention, but if so they have not been very vociferous. It is entirely possible that this particular Arab revolution might have decidedly nationalist rather than democratic undertones; on the other hand, the country could fragment. Libya was once two countries, and is made up of many tribes pulling different ways. In that sense, at least, Gaddafi’s son, Seif al-Islam, may not have been that far off the mark when he said (in his now infamous televised address) that Libya is not Egypt, that Libya is not Tunisia. Who told William Hague that Gaddafi had fled to Venezuela? What faction within the revolution thought it pertinent to make a fool of the foreign secretary? Or was Hague misled by the same British diplomats who failed to see the Libyan revolution coming and prepare in time for the evacuation of British ex-pats? Were they too busy sipping gin tonics around the pool? Britain’s scramble to ingratiate itself with the rebel leadership is unseemly – after all, Gaddafi was our reconciled friend until just the other day, and at this stage we don’t have a clear idea who the opposition is or claims to represent. In this, British intelligence and diplomats seem to have failed in their duties. The sharp rebuke by the rebels to any suggestion of outside military help should serve as a reminder that the internal affairs of any country are best left internal. At least until the smoke clears, and the world can see what Libyans really want.

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Robinson prefers Jackson to Parks as he targets Twickenham

March 11, 2011, 7:14 pm

≫ Next: Useful Scots word: mawkit

≪ Previous: Is it a case of waiting for the Libyan smoke to clear?

Young Glasgow fly-half Ruaridh Jackson has again been preferred to the experienced Dan Parks as Scotland seek to launch a running game against England at Twickenham on Sunday. Scotland coach Andy Robinson has made four changes in personnel and one positional change for this weekend’s Calcutta Cup match, the most controversial of which is his decision to stick by the inexperienced Jackson over the veteran Parks. Jackson started against Ireland, but found it difficult to make much headway. When Scotland were reduced to 14 men, he launched a series of high kicks which handed the ball back to the Irish and put Scotland under pressure. Jackson was eventually replaced by Parks for the final quarter, a change which was generally felt to have given Scotland a lift – even though they still failed to score a try or win the game.

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But Robinson has decided that Jackson, with his speed off the mark and his tendency to stand closer to the gain-line and pose a threat from the ten channel, has the ability to spark the sort of fast running game he wants to develop. Parks will start on the bench, as he did against Ireland. The other changes see Simon Danielli return to the wing in place of Nikki Walker, who is dropped from the squad. Joe Ansbro returns after injury to the outside centre berth and Rory Lawson comes back at scrum half in place of Mike Blair, who drops to the bench. In the forwards, Nathan Hines is re-introduced in the blindside flanker berth he occupied against France in the first game of the Six Nations championship, with Kelly Brown moving to no.8 from the side of the scrum. It will be Danielli’s first start of the championship. Ansbro returns after missing the Ireland game through concussion in a club match, while Lawson is back in the no.9 shirt he wore against the Welsh. Edinburgh duo Mike Blair and Nick De Luca will be on the bench, where they are joined for the first time in this championship by the 28-year-old Gloucester flanker Alasdair Strokosch, who missed the EMC autumn tests with a knee injury. Wing Nikki Walker and no.8 Johnnie Beattie are omitted altogether from the team that lost 18–21 to Ireland in Scotland’s last outing. This weekend’s game marks 100 years since the first time Scotland visited Twickenham to face England. In total, they have played at “Billy Williams’ cabbage patch” on 44 occasions and have won on only four of them – the most recent being 28 years ago. “The record books show what a special achievement it would be for the Scotland team to win on Sunday," said Robinson. “That is our intention and we firmly believe that if we can deliver a sustained, intelligent and ruthless performance then we can achieve our first win of this season’s championship. “England have played some good rugby in this championship but Sunday is about our performance. Simon Danielli and Rory Lawson have both been playing well for their clubs and Joe Ansbro was unfortunate to miss the game against Ireland through injury, while Nathan Hines’ experience will be an asset for us in our back-row.” Kick-off at Twickenham on Sunday 13 March is at 3pm. The full Scotland team is: 15 Chris Paterson (Edinburgh), 14 Simon Danielli (Ulster), 13 Joe Ansbro (Northampton Saints), 12 Sean Lamont (Scarlets), 11 Max Evans and 10 Ruaridh Jackson (both Glasgow Warriors), 9 Rory Lawson (Gloucester), 1 Allan Jacobsen and 2 Ross Ford (both Edinburgh), 3 Moray Low,4 Richie Gray and 5 Alastair Kellock, captain (all Glasgow Warriors), 6 Nathan Hines (Leinster), 8 Kelly Brown (Saracens), 7 John Barclay (Glasgow Warriors). Substitutes: 16 Scott Lawson (Gloucester), 17 Geoff Cross (Edinburgh), 18 Richie Vernon (Glasgow Warriors), 19 Alasdair Strokosch (Gloucester), 20 Mike Blair (Edinburgh), 21 Dan Parks (Cardiff Blues), 22 Nick De Luca (Edinburgh). Referee: Romain Poite (France). Assistant referees: Jerome Garces (France) and Carlo Damasco (Italy). Television match official: Tony Redmond (Ireland).

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Useful Scots word: mawkit

March 11, 2011, 7:14 pm

≫ Next: What the world is saying about Colonel Gaddafi and Libya

≪ Previous: Robinson prefers Jackson to Parks as he targets Twickenham

By Betty Kirkpatrick I have commented before on the fact that Scots is rich in words relating to dirt. One of these words is mawkit. Now there is dirt and there is dirt, and mawkit lies at the filthy end of the dirt scale. Commonly also spelt maukit and sometimes mockit, mawkit is a two-syllable word pronounced as it is spelt with the emphasis on the first syllable which rhymes with law. There is often more than a hint of exaggeration in the use of mawkit. People and things so described may not be quite as dirty as the word suggests. Mawkit is often used of children and certainly, even in these days of over-protection, some children have a propensity to get absolutely filthy. They can rightly be described as mawkit. However, a few smears of chocolate on the face and white shirt do not really merit the use of mawkit. Similarly, houses and cars have been known to be described as mawkit, when really all they are in need of is a bit of a dust and dicht (a quick wipe). Mawkitness, like beauty and so many other things, is in the eyes of the beholder.

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Given its meaning, mawkit is obviously anything but a pleasant word and, appropriately, its background is far from pleasant. It is derived from mawk, which came to Scots from Middle English, and probably has its origins in Old Norse. A mawk, or mauk, is a maggot. For the sake of those unfamiliar with maggots, they are soft, pale-coloured, worm-like creatures which are the larvae of flies. They are often to be found in rotting meat and other unsavoury things. They also inhabit corpses which have been left lying around and this gets them a mention in a lot of crime fiction these days. Apparently, forensic scientists can date the time that has elapsed since the death of the corpse by assessing the stage of development of the maggots. Gruesome, but true. Rotting meat and abandoned corpses can literally be described as mawkit. As well as being a noun meaning a maggot, mawk can be a verb meaning to infest with maggots. In English, both the past tense and past participle of regular verbs is formed with the ending "ed", but in Scots this often becomes "it". Thus mawkit literally means infested with maggots. Sheep are apparently martyrs to this problem when they get maggots embedded in their flesh. Rotting meat, corpses and sheep are not the only things that could rightly be described literally as mawkit. Raspberries, for example, can become infested with maggots and so become mawkit. I once had a close encounter with some mawkit raspberries when I was working in a long-closed small canning factor during a university vacation. We were told that the contents of any baskets of raspberries showing signs of maggots should be emptied into special containers. Cynics claimed that the contents of these were then boiled up and had the maggots skimmed off before being made into jam. Did I believe this? Of course not.

Betty Kirkpatrick is the former editor of several classic reference books, including Chambers Twentieth Century Dictionary and Roget’s Thesaurus. She is also the author of several smaller language reference books, including The Usual Suspects and Other Clichés published by Bloomsbury, and a series of Scots titles, including Scottish Words and Phrases, Scottish Quotations, and Great Scots, published by Crombie Jardine.

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What the world is saying about Colonel Gaddafi and Libya

March 11, 2011, 7:14 pm

≫ Next: Giro Bay and some other dodgy place-names in and around Glasgow

≪ Previous: Useful Scots word: mawkit

"I think it's very important that this not be a US-led effort, because this comes from the people of Libya themselves. This doesn't come from the outside. This doesn't come from some Western power or some Gulf country saying this is what you should do, this is how you should live." – US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (on plans for a no-fly zone over Libya) "France, as well as many of its partners, is not in favour of any Western military intervention in Libya, which would have absolutely negative effects." – French Foreign Minister Alain Juppé "What we are working on is elements of a resolution on a no-fly zone. We are working on that with France at the UN Security Council. That is still contingency planning of course. But clearly it is unacceptable that Colonel Gaddafi unleashes so much violence on his own people and we are all gravely concerned about what would happen if he were to try to do that on an even greater basis." – Foreign Secretary William Hague

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"No, I would not [invade Libya]. I think it would not necessarily be a way to stop that. In the last analysis these people have to make their own choices." – former US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, speaking on Piers Morgan Tonight "I have spoken to Gaddafi and he told me that he accepted [the Venezuelan proposal of a peace commission] but that he hoped it would be a United Nations one, so that people can see what is really happening before they condemn and start thinking of invading Libya. The United States wants to kill Gaddafi." – Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez "They are accusing him [Gaddafi] 24 hours a day of firing on unarmed citizens who were protesting. Why did they not explain to the world that the weapons and, above all, the sophisticated machinery of repression possessed by Libya, was supplied by the United States, Britain and other illustrious hosts of Gaddafi? "I strongly oppose the cynicism and lies currently being used to justify the invasion and occupation of Libya. The Revolution in the Arab world so much feared by the United States and NATO is that of those who lack all rights in the face of those who flaunt all privileges, and thus is destined to be more profound than the one unleashed in Europe in 1789 with the storming of the Bastille." – former Cuban President Fidel Castro "We all tolerated Gaddafi, both the EU and the United States. One could criticise this as amoral, but it was also realpolitik. He renounced terrorism, which meant that one continuous source of insecurity had been pacified for the time being. And, of course, enormous energy-related interests were part of the motive behind the cooperation with Gaddafi. What's completely lacking is a long-term plan to foster civil society, both in Libya and also where it is currently coming into existence, namely in Egypt and Tunisia. That should be the EU's top priority." – Martin Schultz, head of the Socialist group in the European Parliament, interviewed in Der Spiegel "With the horrific carnage in Libya, the flames of revolution burning in Yemen and Bahrain, and protests for political change in Jordan and Morocco, there's a danger that the United States and Europe may lose sight of what still has to be our highest priority in the region: helping the people of Egypt complete their transition to democracy and a new chance at prosperity… "Whether the Arab Spring succeeds or fails is ultimately up to the peoples of the region. But that is no excuse for the United States and other democratic nations not to help in every way we can. The Egyptian people harbour justified resentment that the United States backed the repressive and often-brutal Mubarak regime for so long; they question our commitment to helping them enjoy the same freedoms that we do. The United States should make sure that we aid the transition now underway so that there is no room for doubt. History will not be kind if we blow this opportunity." – US neo-conservative Robert Kagan and Michele Dunne, in the Washington Post "If Gaddafi is insane enough to bomb the oil facilities you could have an environmental disaster of very large consequences." – US Republican Senator John McCain, speaking on Newsnight "With [Italy's] presence and historic ties there is potential for a former colonial power to have a bigger influence. But there is also the disadvantage of being seen as a former colonial ruler and therefore be more exposed to accusations of interference." – Ettore Greco, Institute of International Affairs, Rome

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Giro Bay and some other dodgy place-names in and around Glasgow

March 11, 2011, 7:14 pm

≫ Next: Twitter ye not: why Charlie Sheen should lay off the 140 characters

≪ Previous: What the world is saying about Colonel Gaddafi and Libya

The Loch Lomond and the Trossachs National Park has pulped 3,000 copies of a new map after “an error of judgment” led to an inlet on Inchmoan – an island at the southern end of Loch Lomond – being labelled “Giro Bay”. Oops. This raises the more general question of unofficial place-names. Any area has plenty of these, whether known to just a few people or in common use, so here is a selection of a few from in and around Glasgow. They are variously affectionate, derogatory or downright obscure. The Squinty Bridge and the Squiggly Bridge Recent inventions, and a matching pair. The Squinty Bridge (officially the Clyde Arc) crosses the River Clyde on a diagonal between the foot of Finnieston Street and the STV building. Opened in 2006, it then closed for six months in 2008 after one of the steel cables broke away. Its Squiggly companion (officially the Tradeston Bridge), opened in 2009 and is a footbridge wiggling across the river half-a-mile or so upstream from the Squinty.

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Heilanman’s Umbrella Among the oldest, most affectionate and most commonly used of Glasgow nicknames, this refers to the impressive and elegant railway bridge that carries the lines in and out of Central Station over Argyle Street. So-called because hard-up Highlanders arriving in 19th-century Glasgow would use it for shelter. The Umbrella is both dry and warm – the latter due in part to the presence of a couple of chip shops – and now nowhere near as suffocatingly fumy as in the early days of bus-deregulation, when it seemed that half of the entire UK bus-driver population could be found revving their engines under its canopy of girders. The Armadillo Another relatively recent addition, this curved lump of shiny metal, officially known as the Clyde Auditorium, was built in 1997 as a sort of annexe – or maybe lounge bar – to the Scottish Exhibition and Conference Centre. On the subject of which, the SECC provides an example of an extinct nickname, as in its early days it was occasionally the Big Red Shed – until they painted it grey. Castle Grayskull Talking of grey – or gray – there is this derogatory name for Ibrox Stadium. It can be taken as read that anyone referring to it in this way is not a fan of Rangers FC. This includes Kilmarnock fan and “sizzling weathergirl” Kirsty McCabe (once of the BBC before it exceeded its quota of Kirstys, now of Daybreak), who was required to issue an apology after using the term on-air in 2006. If there is an equivalent derogatory name for Celtic Park, this writer doesn’t know it. The place is often referred to as “Paradise”, but this is affectionate and likely to be used by those who also plump for Castle Grayskull. Celtic Park itself includes another obsolete nickname: before the stadium became all-seated in 1994, the North Enclosure was commonly known as the Jungle. The Clockwork Orange An oddity, this, given that almost everyone in Glasgow seems to know that it refers to the diminutive trains that scuttle round the 15-station oval of the Glasgow underground, but it is rare to actually hear anyone use the phrase. It’s always the subway, or the underground – and, historically, never the tube, although this usage is starting to creep in from people accustomed to the less-endearing London equivalent. Clatty Pats As might be expected, a variety of Glasgow drinking dens and assorted nightlife emporia go by names other than those which appear in the phonebook To be found in Belmont Lane off Great Western Road, Clatty Pats is actually Cleopatra’s, “one of Glasgow’s most colourful nightspots”, a place “renowned for its sticky carpets and mirrors”. Shut for a while but again open for business, it even has its own T-shirts. Moving downmarket brings Wine Alley in sunny Govan, and at least two pubs going by the colloquial name of the Stab Inn – “a brand new luxury public house” officially known as the Albion Way, just along from Wine Alley, and the now-demolished Cart Bar in Corkerhill. There may be more. Polomint City Like Giro Bay, this is a Greater Glasgow name, still commonly used – in a mildly derogatory fashion – in reference to East Kilbride. It relates to the large number of roundabouts to be found in the first of Scotland’s post-war new towns, and might also be a reflection of the surprisingly low number of roundabouts in Glasgow itself until relatively recent times. In the late 1980s Glasgow had the roundabout part-way along the Clydeside Expressway, the big one where Pollokshaws Road meets Barrhead Road near Cowglen golf club, and not very many others. The Dumpling Officially – in terms of the Ordnance Survey – known as Duncryne, this grassy 142-metre hill just east of Gartocharn gives a view out of all proportion to its height, with Loch Lomond and the surrounding hills (and indeed Inchmoan, home of the controversial bay) being seen to good advantage. The Dumpling was the favourite morning- and evening-stroll hill of the great Tom Weir, who lived in Gartocharn for many years and who climbed it hundreds if not thousands of times. The Cobbler A few miles further north, one of the most impressively rocky hills in Scotland is given as Ben Arthur on quite a few maps. Very few people call it this, however, and if they do it’s a dead giveaway that they’re visiting from Stevenage or somewhere. Having said that, the esteemed hill-name researcher Peter Drummond has long lobbied for Ben Arthur to be rehabilitated. Not on any account to be confused, however, with Ben Arfa, a French-Tunisian midfielder currently in the employ of Newcastle United. Note that Ben Arfa has made an appearance at Castle Grayskull (qv). Hill 60 Named – for reasons that are unclear – after a Great War battleground near Ypres, in Glasgow terms Hill 60 is one of the highest bits of ground (possibly the highest – it’s hard to tell because of the trees) in Queen’s Park on the south side of the city. Close by is the better-known flagpole viewpoint, seen as the traditional “summit” of the park. Hill 60 is the area of open woodland just across to the west, topped by a couple of boulders, and is mainly used by runners, dog-walkers and as a gay cruising-ground.

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Twitter ye not: why Charlie Sheen should lay off the 140 characters

March 11, 2011, 7:14 pm

≫ Next: It’s time to stop playing politics with anti-sectarian summits

≪ Previous: Giro Bay and some other dodgy place-names in and around Glasgow

“Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice,” Polonius advises Laertes before he leaves for Paris. A good trick if you can manage it. Management guru Stephen Covey’s seven habits of highly effective people suggests as its number five “seek first to understand and then be understood.” No one told Charlie Sheen. The actor’s diatribe at Chuck Lorre, executive producer of Two and a Half Men, which led to his dismissal when domestic and drug abuse didn’t, looked like it would be the full stop in the sentence of his very public meltdown. It was barely the semi-colon.

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After the Hot Shots! Part Deux star claimed he spent almost a decade “effortlessly and magically converting [Lorre’s] tin cans into pure gold”, there has been a stream of invective on commissioned interviews suggesting Sheen is solely in the tin-can industry. This walking advert for scriptwriting and editing has scarcely been off TV (that was where the “I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen” comment aired), with his own chat show Sheen’s-Korner on internet streaming site ustream.tv, and back on the radio endorsing Rob Lowe as his successor on the middle-of-the-road sitcom. The T-shirt manufacturers have also been busy. The mental and physical welfare of Sheen has been relegated to a mere sideshow. Pretty much every British newspaper long ago ripped off Vanity Fair’s compare-and-contrast with Colonel Gaddafi. And now the centre-stage story is that – like Kriss Akabusi and Roy Castle – Sheen is a record-breaker. Twitter is the culprit. The random stream of gibberish on Sheen's ustream feed ended after an hour or so. The drivel spouted during his radio and TV interviews were broken up by commercials. But the stream-of-consciousness of the Platoon actor’s tweets is seemingly never-ending. He doesn’t discuss the craft of acting, or former colleagues. He isn’t even sharing his idiosyncratic political views. Nothing but seemingly meaningless buzz phrases such as Tigerblood and “building the perfect torpedo”, the hashtags #winning, #fastball, #chooseyourvice, and references to himself as “The Warlock”. The tweets mean something to the 2,453,377 (at time of writing) followers, who are the social-media equivalent of drivers doing 40mph on the outside lane because they’re gawping at a car crash on the other side of the dual-carriageway. And, like those drivers, they should soon move on. This has given Sheen an injection of attention around the time of his life when he needed a different kind of medication. He is now applying for a social media intern (not the same role as his nanny, you’d hope). What’s galling is the assistance he received from all at Twitter HQ. Twitter, famously, does even less customer service than Facebook, and no longer verifies accounts. But when Sheen contacted them, they kicked off a squatter on his previous site, gave him tips (clearly not enough) about hashtagging, and helped point him in the direction of how to attach photos. This might be a Tipping Point, of sorts, for Twitter. It used to be known as the playground for polymaths such as Stephen Fry to tweet to his 2.3 million followers (yes, 150,000 fewer than Sheen after three years) about everything from the duck-billed platypus to the Test score to the latest production of Das Rheingold to being stuck in a lift. Imagine being stuck in a lift with Charlie Sheen. The powers that be at Twitter went out of their way to enable and encourage Sheen by giving him a voice when they knew there were millions of ears ready to listen. Their customer service department was opened for the day, and only for a sitcom actor who pulled in around £700,000 per episode. This was at a time of his life when real friends would have shepherded Sheen away from the spotlight. He might say "I got magic and I got poetry in my fingertips, man" – but not when he's typing his 140 characters. All this activity landed Charlie Sheen in Guinness World Records as having acquired the biggest number of followers in a short space of time. If only his tastes stopped at Guinness.

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It’s time to stop playing politics with anti-sectarian summits

March 11, 2011, 7:14 pm

≫ Next: Relocation isn’t just about houses: changing school is crucial, too

≪ Previous: Twitter ye not: why Charlie Sheen should lay off the 140 characters

What short memories some politicians must have. This is what Stewart Maxwell, the then Sport Minister, said on 8 September 2007: “People would be quite cynical if we just carried on having summits. While it looks nice and gets on the news, I don't think it fundamentally tackles the problem.” And he added: “The problem with having high-profile events is that you make it look like it's a big societal problem. There are big swathes of the country where sectarianism is unknown.” Mr Maxwell was speaking after the newly-elected SNP administration decided to do away with Jack McConnell’s anti-sectarian summit programme. And what happened this week? A summit was hosted by the First Minister, designed to try to find a way of tackling yet more Old Firm violence.

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Back in 2007, the SNP government insisted it was scrapping the summits because they were no longer useful and because the problem of sectarianism was not as bad as it had been before. There was always the strong suspicion, however, that the reason the incoming government dropped the summits was because they were a relic of the Labour era, they were so much a McConnell initiative that Alex Salmond wanted nothing to do with them, or with his predecessor. So, we used to have anti-sectarian summits, hosted by the First Minister and bringing together all the major stakeholders. These were then dropped and then, hey presto, in the wake of more Old Firm-related violence, we get them back again. Fergus Ewing’s arguments in trying to justify why this new summit was different would have been amusing had the issue not been so serious. “This Government has moved the focus from summits about sectarianism - which was important at the time and gained the support and consensus of all key stakeholders - to supporting projects that are delivering change on the ground through a range of activities,” said Mr Ewing, after his government’s summit on sectarianism on Tuesday. A source close to the First Minister insisted that although this week's event had been a "summit", it had not been a summit about sectarianism, it had been a lot broader than that – even though ministers emerged from the get-together to announce new money for anti-sectarian groups. Let’s get this clear: either the summits work or they don’t. If they don’t – as the SNP insisted when it took office – then the current Scottish government is being hypocritical by re-introducing them. Or, alternatively, they do work and – by hosting one – the Scottish government has effectively admitted it was wrong to drop them in the first place. Whichever is right, the whole issue has hardly been handled very well – and that is a shame because the issue of Old Firm violence goes to the heart of what is wrong with Scotland. That is because Old Firm violence is bound up with poverty, alcoholism and intolerance. They are inextricably linked. According to figures which were widely publicised this week, violent offences rise 172 per cent in Glasgow if an Old Firm match takes place on a Saturday, and by 65 per cent if the game takes place on a weekday. Domestic violence rises by 96.6 per cent if the game takes place on a Sunday and 56.8 per cent if it takes place during the week. These figures are not entirely conclusive, because other research has suggested that rates of domestic violence are so high most of the time in parts of Glasgow that an Old Firm match hardly makes any difference. But that isn't really the point. There is plenty of evidence – anecdotal and statistical – to point to a rise in crime, in violence and in drunkenness. All of which, we know, result in increased levels of domestic abuse. So it would be better all round if we acknowledged this and didn't get stuck with quibbling over the exact extent of the problem. Unfortunately, there has been a tendency among those in authority – not just at the moment but for many years – to dance round the hideous problems sparked by Old Firm matches, in case they somehow launch in and have a go at something sacred and special to Scotland. That is because football is Scotland’s national game and because the Old Firm are supposed to reflect the pinnacle of club football in Scotland. But that is the very reason we should be tackling this head-on. It is because it is Scotland’s national game and because the Old Firm represent the shop-window of the game here that we should be hyper-sensitive to the image this sends out. Think about how this looks to the rest of the world. Scotland’s national game and the country’s two top teams appear to spark an orgy of drink-fuelled violence and wife-beating when they play each other. No wonder Scotland is seen as a sick, violent, drunken man by much of the world. This is the image we export through our football, and that is why it is so important to tackle it. Yet it is because it is so central to Scottish life that it has never been properly and adequately tackled. Our leaders appear so scared to interfere with something so fundamental to Scots identity that they won’t take hard-line steps such as forcing the Old Firm to play behind closed doors – for a whole season if necessary, with no cameras present. The only way to deal with this is to hit the clubs in the pocket, hard. Force them to play their games at 9am or behind closed doors and prevent them from making anything from television rights. If that happened, and if the clubs couldn’t buy any players from anybody, then the clubs and their supporters would realise pretty quickly that the only way to become competitive again would be to behave. I have two young children. The older one likes football, yet there is no way I am going to take him to an Old Firm game or even anywhere near Glasgow while an Old Firm fixture is underway. Like many Scots, I used to go to Old Firm games many years ago but there is no way I want my children exposed to the violence, the vitriol, the abuse and the drunken bigotry that was associated with these fixtures then and is still, depressingly, associated with these fixtures today. It is a disgrace to Scotland. The rest of the world sees it and it is time we saw it through their eyes, too. It is also time we stopped pussy-footing around at these summits – arguing whether they work or whether they don’t, arguing whether the football clubs really are to blame or not – and took some drastic, proper action to clean up this problem which tars the whole of the country.

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Relocation isn’t just about houses: changing school is crucial, too

March 11, 2011, 7:14 pm

≫ Next: As the battles rage, Libya’s transitional government gathers support

≪ Previous: It’s time to stop playing politics with anti-sectarian summits

By Elizabeth McQuillan The reasons most often given by parents who relocate with their family include better schooling, career moves, social improvement and divorce. Integral to being part of a more mobile society is the fact that we can embrace the opportunity to up sticks and sample life elsewhere. As adults, this change can be daunting enough – but relocating with a family should be approached carefully, to ensure that children feel secure and can more easily adjust to their new situation. Kuke Kilmurry travelled widely during her childhood, experiencing life in many different countries and at an array of schools. “When I was growing up, it was just normal for myself and my family," Kilmurry says, "as father needed to relocate as his work required. Although it was hard having to go to new schools, you could rely on the various boarding schools being full of other kids who had parents that were either diplomats or in the oil industry.

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“That actually gave a sense of belonging and inclusion, and everyone understood what it was like because they were in the same position themselves. The other children became a sort of extended family.” Kilmurry's own daughter, Megan, is herself enjoying a childhood rich in variety, having lived in Alabama and the south of England before coming to Scotland. Kilmurry feels it does no harm, provided care is taken over the selection of schools and the environment in which the child is placed. “Getting the right school is everything," she says. "I remember my parents getting it wrong once when we returned to the UK. Contrary to previous form, my parents put me in a girls-only school where I was a day pupil for the first time. It was an unmitigated disaster. I felt like a complete outsider, and had absolutely nothing in common with my peer group. That was a horrible experience. “With Megan, I have always carefully looked at potential schools and made sure that they suit her abilities and temperament, and she will feel like she belongs.” In this case, it is evident that every precaution has been taken to ensure the move is right for the child, and Kilmurry is herself experienced at relocating. In situations where the move is down to parental divorce or job-loss, however, families may have little choice, fewer resources and a reduced ability to help their kids adjust. If parents do get it wrong when relocating, what effect can this have on the child’s confidence and well-being? Research points to a number of problems associated with frequent moves. One study found that 23 per cent of children who moved frequently had to repeat a year, and this was linked with a higher incidence of behavioural problems. Another study found a significant relationship between moving frequently and early drug use. Educational psychologist Kairen Cullen knows that relocating can impact greatly on a child, but reckons parents can be slow to pick up on the cues. “Sometimes parents can lack sensitivity," Cullen says, "or perhaps be so preoccupied themselves with the challenges of a move, that they overlook the child's response which might indicate that all is not well. “This can take many forms, but generally a marked change in physical and or emotional well-being, social withdrawal, raised anxiety, clinginess or loss of interest in favourite activities suggests all is not well. If this happens, it signals the need for more support, time and reassurance. “Usually spending more time with their child, doing things together and talking and listening can help. If it does not, then professional support should be considered and a word with the child's teacher or even the family doctor might be a good idea.” Attending an unfamiliar school is one of the biggest hurdles for a child to overcome, whether abroad or a few miles along the road. Without any friends in situ, and the challenge of having to find their place within a new peer group, it can be an extremely stressful time for children at any age. Cullen believes that parents can help to make the transition smoother by understanding what the child is experiencing emotionally. “From the child's perspective a change of school, for whatever reason, represents a loss," says Cullen. "Be that a loss of the familiar, a loss of social connections, or a loss of the known. This is often accompanied with difficult or unwanted emotions, such as sadness, frustration and even anger. "The most important thing a parent can do is to acknowledge this loss but also highlight the gains and positive aspects of the change. The young person needs to have their feelings validated but also to develop some perspective. Adults can help them to have a balanced view because their own life experience has generally helped them to see changes as a mixture of loss and gain.” The parents themselves can shadow the needs of the child with their own aspirations when it comes to picking the most suitable school. Whether it is the school’s human scale or ethos, academic or social standing, parents tend to attribute value according to our own desires and expectations. This can be harmful if it means putting a child into a school where they are unlikely to thrive. “Parents have a responsibility and must look carefully at their own ambitions and reasons for selecting a particular school," says Tony Meehan, who has experience of public relations work for an independent school. "It is important to find one that has an environment that will suit the character of the individual and that its strengths fit the personality of the child, and this can only be achieved through visits and meetings with the staff. If a child is talented in a particular area, be it maths, art or drama, it is wise to select a school that has the facilities that allow that child to blossom.” A good introduction might be through hobbies and sports. Inclusion in the school rugby team or a place in the choir could help a child settle more quickly and feel included, so it is worth asking if this would be an option available to your child. There is no good age or year in which to move schools, Meehan says, but there is often a more natural time to do so within the school calendar – such as the start of junior school, the first year at senior school and for Higher and Advanced Higher examinations in fifth and sixth year. At any stage, talking openly and consulting on the choice of school are important. Being informed is incredibly important to children. Adults have a tendency to assume that kids won't understand the bigger picture and to exclude them from being involved in the process of making important decisions. Knowledge allows young children to comprehend how a move is going to change their everyday routine, and gives teenagers an opportunity to work out how to best fit into a life elsewhere. Talking through their fears, keeping them in the loop and allowing them to grieve for their loss can make relocating a positive growth experience, leading to increased self-confidence and improved interpersonal skills.

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As the battles rage, Libya’s transitional government gathers support

March 11, 2011, 7:14 pm

≫ Next: Scottish firms in bid to rescue Machrihanish wind-turbine factory

≪ Previous: Relocation isn’t just about houses: changing school is crucial, too

The world appears to be moving towards full recognition of the Libyan transitional government, whose declared aim is to steer Libya to free elections “after its complete liberation and the destruction of Gaddafi’s oppressive regime”. But who are the leaders of the Transitional National Council, and how representative are they of the Libyan people? The west has so far hesitated to give its full support to the rebel leaders because of their previous association with the Gaddafi regime. This has not stopped the west in the past – as the US philosopher Noam Chomsky says, the standard game-plan of the west has been that “when you cannot support your favourite dictator any more, you come out with ringing declarations of your love of democracy … while you try to preserve the regime” in some shape or form.

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History provides some exceptions where an out-of-favour dictator is overthrown by a former henchman after which free elections are called, but they are few and far between: Ferdinand Marcos of the Philippines, for example (overthrown by his defence minister, Juan Ponce Enrile); Romania’s Nicolae Ceausescu (replaced by Ion Iliescu, his former heir apparent); Serbia’s Slobodan Milosevic (persuaded to stand down by his armed forces after an unfavourable election result); Argentine generals Juan Carlos Onganía and Roberto Levingston (overthrown in quick succession by former ally General Alejandro Agustín Lanusse, after which elections were called to bring about the return from exile of Juan Domingo Perón). Still, with no clearly defined roadmap for a democratic future emerging in an Arab world in turmoil, a little caution in handling the Libyan question is understandable. In a country with such an atrocious human rights record as Libya’s, the post of justice minister – which the transitional government leader, Mustafa Abdul Jalil, held from 2007 until he broke with Gaddafi at the start of the revolution last month – would seem superfluous if not laughable. The extra-judicial execution of 1,200 prisoners at Abu Salim prison in 1996 has never been investigated, despite a pledge by the Gaddafi regime that it would do so, and hundreds of prisoners are still being held despite their acquittal by courts. According to Amnesty International, “migrants, refugees and asylum-seekers [many from across Africa] attempting to seek sanctuary in Italy, and the EU, also face arrest, indefinite detention, and abuse in Libya”. Abdul Jalil’s record, however, appears to be one of frequent disagreement and frustration with Libya’s “brother leader” over human rights abuses. The leader of the rebel government publicly called for the release of prisoners in the past, but claimed he was powerless because the prisoners were under the jurisdiction of Gaddafi’s Internal Security Agency (ISA). “[Abdul Jalil] has said that he is unable to order an investigation into abuses by ISA officers because they have immunity,” a Human Rights Watch report said last year. “Only the Interior Ministry can waive immunity, but it has consistently refused to do so.” While western governments have been quick to condemn Libya for human rights abuses, there are some prickly issues which western leaders must address with regard to the detention of some of the prisoners Abdul Jalil has sought to release. According to Amnesty International, under Gaddafi “the Libyan authorities have used the ‘war on terror’ to justify the arbitrary detention of hundreds of individuals viewed as critics or a security threat. The US has returned a number of Libyan nationals from Guantánamo or from secret detention … Libyan nationals suspected of terrorism-related activities returned to the country remain at risk of being detained incommunicado, tortured and tried in grossly unfair proceedings”. In 2005, Britain also signed a “memorandum of understanding” with Libya under which it may deport terrorist suspects, and human rights organisations are sceptical of the “no torture” clauses in such agreements. What Abdul Jalil thinks of US “renditions” is not clear. But he has openly clashed with Gaddafi over the illegal detention of prisoners, once telling the privately owned Libyan newspaper Oea that “when the judiciary acquits, security agencies must respect those rulings. We have more than 500 defendants acquitted, who have not been released on security justifications”. In January last year, during the Libyan General People’s Congress in Sirte, Abdul Jalil announced that he was unable to fulfil his functions as justice minister, to which Gaddafi replied that the individuals to whom he was referring were terrorists and if released would endanger the lives of Libyans. “Gaddafi confirmed that they would not be released, even if the courts cleared them of all charges or if they had already served their sentences,” Amnesty International said at the time. In any case, Gaddafi told Abdul Jalil, the People’s Congress was not the appropriate forum in which to raise the issue. According to the transition government’s website, another senior member of the council, Mahmood Jibril, the interim government’s foreign minister, holds political science degrees from Cairo University and the University of Pittsburgh, and has wide experience in management training throughout the Arab world. Ali al Issawi, who will liaise with Jibril in international relations, was Gaddafi’s economy minister and head of the country’s privatisation programme. Both Jibril and Issawi were in Paris on Wednesday to meet President Nicolas Sarkozy as France became the first country to extend its formal recognition of the rebel government. The transitional council is composed of 31 members representing the various regions and cities of Libya. While a number have been named on their website, several have not been revealed for safety reasons. The heads of Libya’s representatives in the UN, the Arab League and all embassies and diplomatic missions who have joined the revolution have been accepted as legitimate representatives of the new government. “We also request from those who have yet to transfer their affiliation with this Council to do so,” the council adds.

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Scottish firms in bid to rescue Machrihanish wind-turbine factory

March 11, 2011, 7:14 pm

≫ Next: A second snowy winter – but some very different skiing this time

≪ Previous: As the battles rage, Libya’s transitional government gathers support

Two of Scotland’s energy companies have become preferred bidders to take over a wind-turbine plant at Machrihanish. Scottish and Southern Energy (SSE) and Marsh Wind Technology (MWT) have formed a joint venture to take over the Argyll factory, the future of which was thrown into doubt when its Danish owner, Skykon, filed for bankruptcy. The plant is currently in the hands of administrators Ernst and Young. They secured a deal in January to resume production until a buyer could be found – Siemens agreed to fund existing work on 30 wind-turbine towers and to pay the workforce their outstanding arrears. Since then, administrators have been working through the expressions of interest in the business. They have now confirmed that Wind Towers Ltd, made up of SSE and MWT, are the preferred bidders. The news came as the first minister, Alex Salmond, was visiting the plant. He described the announcements as “very welcome developments and underline the industry’s confidence in the skills of the workforce.”

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The plant is located on the site of the old RAF base at Machrihanish and forms an important part of the economy in Argyll. As one of the area’s largest private-sector employers, its loss would have been a major blow. The sale is likely to be completed within weeks, though one of the administrators, Andrew Davison, said there were still “significant matters” to resolve. In the view of SSE chief executive Ian Marchant, the plant should be sustainable with the right business plan and management. “As the market for offshore wind turbines develops from 2013 onwards,” Marchant said, “it should be possible to expand the operation to fully utilise the excellent facilities which are now available at the site.” Marchant acknowledged that “some restructuring” would be needed, but assured the workforce of 130 that most would be retained. He added that the joint-venture partners would also be looking at “potential redeployment opportunities”. This will include a new facility, nearing completion, which will allow the plant to build turbine towers for offshore windfarms. “Both partners believe that this plant has an important role in building the supply-chain base for the growing wind-energy sector,” said William Marsh of MWT, “and that it will have a healthy future in the medium term as the demand for turbine components expands. It is our aim to build the Campbeltown operation into a stable and reliable partner.” The news also gave the first minister encouragement that the Scottish government’s Green Agenda was still on track. During the visit, Mr Salmond explained that Scotland had “an established wealth of skills and talent in energy engineering, as well as the natural resources, to become the green energy powerhouse of Europe.”

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A second snowy winter – but some very different skiing this time

March 11, 2011, 7:14 pm

≫ Next: Weir’s Week: mistaken Hendry identity and comedy keyboard capers

≪ Previous: Scottish firms in bid to rescue Machrihanish wind-turbine factory

By Val Hamilton Snow still lies deep and extensive on the slopes of the Cairngorm ski area, topped up by fresh falls this week. Concerted efforts by the pisting staff have seen it manoeuvred into ribbons running all the way down to car park level. This not only allows the marketing of “top to bottom” skiing even after earlier thaws, but also provides access to the upper slopes via the drag lifts, easing pressure on the funicular railway – which is, for many, the default means of ascent. It has been another good season, and Colin Matthew – operations manager with Cairngorm Mountain Ltd (CML) – comments on YouTube that they are “well up on budgeted skier days”. As well as avoiding the queues, skiers who use the tows are not required to remain in the ski area: the restrictions on access to the Cairngorm plateau apply only to those who use the funicular. The snag was that, until last week, the only way to use the other lifts, unless you had a season ticket, was to pay the full £30.80 for a day pass. An hour or so spent plodding uphill with skins on your skis suddenly becomes a more attractive option in such circumstances.

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CML have now, however, introduced a “Ski Mountaineering Ticket”. This costs £10, and allows the use of two surface lifts up to the Ptarmigan restaurant level at just below 1,100 metres. The cost is virtually the same as a return funicular journey (£9.75) and a little cheaper than the Aonach Mor gondola (£11). A single ride on the Cairnwell chairlift at Glenshee remains a bargain at £4. The new Cairngorm ticket restores the opportunities for ski-tourers to pre-funicular times, when a cheap, single chairlift ticket was available. There is a choice of tows, but using them does require some skill – fair enough, as a good level of skiing ability is a prerequisite for off-piste touring. From the base station area, the Car Park T-bar is easy to access but has an unnerving descent section, something skiers who spend their holidays in the Alps may never have come across. It trundles you fairly gently up to a point that is – annoyingly – about 25 vertical metres of side-stepping below the M1 poma, located at the mid-station level. The other lift from the car park area, the Fiacaill Ridge poma, requires an uphill walk to reach it and – because it is more exposed – is often icy. But it does allow you to then ski down to the M1 poma. This in turn is notorious for its fierce “kick” as the tension is taken in, allowing you little time to recover before being launched up the hill almost as quickly as the funicular. The benefits of mechanised uplift are greatest at the beginning of the season, when days are shorter. But given the vast extent of snow cover again this year, the new special ticket is likely to be popular. Last weekend saw dozens of skiers enjoying the wide expanse of whiteness stretching over to Ben Macdui and beyond, under blue skies and skin-searing sun on a wind-free day. Admittedly the snow was rock-hard in places, but it was one of those great-to-be-alive days with enough concentration required to clear the mind of mundane matters. Few Scottish skiers would have counted on two consecutive good winters – but, for tourers, they have been quite different in nature. Although there was low-lying snow in November and December 2010, the 2011 level has been much higher than early in 2010, meaning fewer days with “skis on at the road”, or even at the door. There has been no repeat of the conditions which allowed Roger and Finlay Wild to achieve a 155km Scottish Haute Route over seven days in mid-March 2010, travelling from Ben Nevis to Ben Avon via 16 other peaks. Their account in February’s Scottish Mountaineer is well worth reading. In January and February 2010, most of my own skiing was done from the house, at 250 metres. In 2011, by contrast, it has all been piste-skiing at Cairngorm. The quality of the snow has been different too, with the thaw-freeze cycle this year leading to widespread “boiler-plate” snow off-piste. Even the best skiers tend not to enjoy being rattled round in conditions one described as “not just loosening your fillings but your teeth as well”. There is, though, still plenty of time for some great touring days as the weather improves and the daylight lengthens. The Ski Mountaineering Ticket initiative should allow a few more people the chance to experience the snowy Cairngorm plateau on a beautiful day.

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Weir’s Week: mistaken Hendry identity and comedy keyboard capers

March 11, 2011, 7:14 pm

≫ Next: Japan earthquake: intensity, aftershocks and civility

≪ Previous: A second snowy winter – but some very different skiing this time

By Stewart Weir Saturday On most Saturdays, Soccer AM is our breakfast show of choice. Actually, it’s my choice and everyone else conforms. In the aftermath of the Old Firm debacle, there have been interviews galore on the matter. One featured on Sky Sports News, with assistant chief constable Campbell Corrigan of Strathclyde Police giving his take on things. You can almost hear the words of some wee camera bod saying “Oh, it will be fine.” Except it wasn’t, as you can see. Great IT skills in evidence. More worrying is that someone, somewhere, promoted this chap to this position…

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And Saturday ends in front of the box. Oh, the exciting life I lead. Now, I don’t know the viewer demographics for the late-evening new bulletin on BBC1, but I think “Aunty” believes it is watched only by Usain Bolt, cats, and the odd Time Lord with the Tardis already warmed up. They used to say: “Match of the Day follows (except for viewers in Scotland, who can watch The Beechgrove Garden), so if you don’t want to know the scores, look away now.” But last weekend, Sean Fletcher’s preamble went something like: “Match of the Day follows so if you don’t want to know the scores time to leave the room Arsenal drew with Sunderland nil–nil…”. Maybe the Beeb thinks that while we may shop for our TVs at Comet, Currys or Rediffusion, we buy our furniture from Martin-Baker, manufacturers of ejector seats … Sunday More than a decade ago, I was hiring staff for a big, new, shiny online adventure. Remember, this was 2000. So the wording for the advert read along these lines: “Now if you know your sport, and can spot the difference between Stephen and Colin Hendry…”. Both leaders in their field, both blond, both Scots, both well-known. A natural question to ask. So imagine my surprise, and mirth, when I came across this offering from the web version of the Sunday Express, and what it was eventually changed to after a day or so: hendry1

There but for the grace of God and all that. Oh, and certain web editors need not apply… Monday Over the weekend you may have missed the momentous decisions taken by IFAB, the International Football Association Board, when they had their annual get-together in Wales, with the deep-thinking Sepp Blatter in attendance. Firstly, snoods – a fashion accessory no footballing would-be can be seen without in this chilly “mind yir wee chest out there” weather – have been banned for next year. “The IFAB agreed that in relation to Law 4 – Players’ Equipment, the wearing of snoods should not be permitted,” said football’s law-makers. The second big decision was that goal-line technology won’t be tested for at least another year. I’ve got it wrong over the years. The F in FA obviously stands for Fashion, not Football. Unless FA begins in F and ends in All… Tuesday The Old Firm shame summit meets at St Andrew’s House in Edinburgh, where the outcome is to censure both Celtic and Rangers (in alphabetical order) or Rangers and Celtic (in order of red cards and championships) sufficiently harshly that there is every chance we could have a re-run of this momentous knuckle-rapping exercise some ten or 20 years from now. Scotland's first minister Alex Salmond stated it would be “a council of despair” if matches had to be played behind closed doors at any time in the future, one of the possible measures considered to tackle public disorder in and around the Glasgow derby. “That would be acknowledgement that this problem cannot be tackled, cannot be defeated, cannot be overcome,” said the first minister. Now, if the polis think they’ve got bother knowing where 50,000 or 60,000 are going to be for three hours of an afternoon, they might find their resources slightly stretched if that horde was running wild while an Old Firm game was being played only for a TV or radio audience. Was calling in UN forces an option in these discussions? Of course not – they wear blue helmets. Conspiracy! Wednesday Having used his bus pass to get there and a free-entrance ticket to Exeter racecourse to enjoy a day’s at the horses, Steve Whiteley ended the day £1.45 million richer after his £2 Tote jackpot accumulator came romping home. The final winner was a 12–1 shot called Lupita, whose jockey Jessica Lodge, I was interested to read, had never come first despite having had 28 rides previously. Make of that what you will. Thursday While you can argue who is the best fighter of a generation, or of a nation, or pound-for-pound, debate about where people rank over the generations is more difficult. So trainer Billy Nelson’s suggestion that his fighter, Ricky Burns, will soon become renowned as Scotland’s greatest-ever boxer was sure to spark a heated debate. Better than Benny Lynch, Ken Buchanan and Jim Watt? Better than Jackie Paterson, Walter McGowan or Paul Weir? Enough to start a fight in an empty house. Something another former world champion, Scott Harrison, possibly could do. Burns’ manager Alex Morrison quickly distanced himself from Nelson’s comments. “Billy Nelson has done a terrific job with Ricky and has improved him to different levels,” Morrison said. “But he should remember that is where his role ends and let Ricky do his talking in the ring. “He does not need pressure like this put upon him. My ambition for Ricky is that he leaves the ring like Jim Watt did, with his health, money, popularity and looks intact.” Sadly, something Scott Harrison hasn’t managed. For boxers, sometimes their biggest battles are away from the ring. Friday Rangers return home with a scoreless draw against PSV Eindhoven in the bag. The Gers had won there in 1978, and did the same again in 1999, when Jörg Albertz blasted them to a Champions League victory, a game I witnessed. On the way out of the stadium that night, I was intrigued by one auld fella saying that was three times he’d been in Eindhoven and won. I could only count two, so I asked when the other contest had been. “1945, son…”.

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