Far from bringing calm to the Middle East, the Saudi occupation of Bahrain – for that is what it is – is likely to prolong instability in the region. The deployment of 1,000 troops is a clear sign of panic by the Saudi and Bahraini royal families: future historians may well look back on this episode, dressed up as a peace mission but fooling no one, as a turning point, the moment when the scales fell from many people’s eyes. For all their ill-gained opulence, we have seen the despotic kings stride through the desert with nothing on at all. If a Sunni minority – the ruling al Khalifa family – sought to further provoke an angry Shia majority both in Bahrain and at home, then this was a good way to do it. The Gulf Cooperation Council (GCC), made up of Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Oman, the United Arab Emirates and Qatar, had only once before deployed troops under the terms of a regional pact aimed at protecting members from outside aggressors, and this was to protect Kuwait from Iraq in the 1991 Gulf War.

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Now, however, the GCC “deployment” is aimed at stifling an internal “enemy”, the Bahraini Shia opposition, which has been clamouring for political reforms including, at least among some of the more extreme elements, the abolition of the monarchy. No wonder there are shudders in Riyadh. Unsurprisingly, the Bahraini opposition has denounced the GCC occupation as “a declaration of war”, for what can Bahraini civilians, armed only with clubs and knives and stones, do to confront Saudi forces? The United States, seen as a friend of the Khalifas and whose navy’s Fifth Fleet is stationed there, has expressed its concern and urged dialogue rather than confrontation between the Bahraini regime and the opposition – as well it might, for any temporary security Washington will have gained from the Saudi occupation will only dissipate with time. But Western fears are not unfounded: this is where we get our oil from, and there are fears Bahrain could become a pawn in a strategic struggle between Sunni Saudi Arabia and Shia Iran. We know through Wikileaks that Saudi’s King Abdullah has urged the United States to “cut off the head of the snake” – to attack Iran to prevent it from developing nuclear weapons. The Tehran regime has its own problems, and has been flexing its muscles and stoking the fires of insurrection in other parts of the world, particularly since the invasion of Iraq made it easier to do so. Now the royal family fears that any concessions made by the neighbouring Bahraini royal family to the Shia minority there might serve to encourage a Shia uprising in oil-rich eastern Saudi Arabia. So Saudi Arabia appears to have drawn a line in the sand. But, as if Western diplomats were not already in a quandary over what to do with the burgeoning Arab revolutions, they have now being saddled with another headache. For consistency’s sake, how can a no-fly zone be imposed over Muammar al-Gaddafi’s Libya, as sought by the US and Britain, without strident condemnation of a Saudi military occupation, thinly disguised as a response to a request for help to restore order? It is true that great historical events require pragmatism and sometimes unpalatable compromise. That is what British leaders have said about the West’s recent and very odd rapprochement with Libya’s Gaddafi. Yet, once again abandoned as the despot he always was, in recent days Gaddafi has been making big strides in recovering lost territory. If they lose, the Libyan rebels know his retribution will be terrible. In the nationalist Gaddafi’s eyes, he is protecting a Libya shaped in his image. Saudi Arabia, close friend of the West for decades but no less cruel to its opponents, appears to be doing the same. Will the West turn a blind eye to Saudi aggression against the people of Bahrain, while condemning Gaddafi? “Aggression” may not be a word the West would wish to use – indeed, “deployment” seems to be de rigueur – but perception is what matters across the region, far from the great palaces of the royal tyrants, whose time will no doubt come.

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The images from Japan rattle around the head, sparking off all manner of associations. The sight of towns completely levelled inescapably evokes Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The miasma of murky debris speedily sweeping across farmlands is like the formless monster in the animated films of Hayao Miyazaki, particularly the "No Face" character in Spirited Away.

Between earthquakes, military defeats and out-of-control nukes of all kinds, we are reminded of the deep psyche of Japanese society. As my Osaka-based friend Momus has been saying in post after post these last few days, it is their poise, elegance and creativity in the face of such core structural instabilities that defines contemporary Japanese society. But it is surely at the level of our environmental consciousness that Japan's disaster will have the biggest impact. Did a planet ever look more angry – tossing cars and houses and equipment about on its tides, like a god (or a Gaia) in idle, cruel play? Did modern life ever look less substantial, more secondary, to wider natural processes? No one wants to leap to any causation between global warming and seismic activity – although scientists such as Bill McGuire of University College London have been, for some years now, correlating the melting of polar ice-caps to an increase in vulcanism, due to reduced pressure on the earth's crust.

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But surely we have seen, if not directly experienced, enough – from Indonesia's tsumami to Australia's fires to Japan's quake – to register what a more generally turbulent climate will do to our precious modernity. And to feel the underground tremors as we stand upon our current models of prosperity and progress. As we watch the world's most technologically advanced society unable to contain the poisons of its cracked nuclear reactors, we are surely compelled to think of our own energy regimes. As Joan McAlpine noted yesterday, when given the chance to politicise his response to the nuclear meltdowns in Japan, Alex Salmond made a conscious (and elegant) demurral on the Sunday talkshows. But those outside the electoral battle can surely state it more clearly. The anti-nuclear consensus in Scottish society, stretching from Trident to nuclear power and perhaps rooted even deeper than ideological agreement, must have its political voice heard at the next election (and shamefully, as Joan points out, the Labour Party in Scotland is not part of that consensus). This consensus doesn't merely rest on fears of environmental disaster, but can also be a positive aspiration towards a green-energy economy and society. Salmond's current restraint, as Japanese citizens float in the water, is understandable. But I hope that a campaigning vocabulary can be fashioned over the next few weeks, perhaps between the SNP and the Greens, which combines fears and hopes to make a powerful electoral appeal. There is a fascinating parallel between discussions in the green community, and among independence-supporters in Scotland, about how each of them bridges the "imagination gap" in their political appeal to the public – the gap between things as they are, and things as they should (and need to) be. The great sustainability guru Tim Jackson speaks of the "huge abyss" between our current consumerist lifestyles, and the systemic changes that are required for a planet-friendly economy and society. An abyss so huge that "the distance that needs travelling can engender so much fear that it actually acts as a brake on change… The difficulty for most people is that they don't believe there is a complete system which we can jump ship to". So a "safe bridge" is needed: "it is imperative that we are able to give indications of what it would look like and to create a spectrum of strategic interventions that develop resilience and create a vision of a sustainable future". Independence-supporters in Scotland have constantly attempted to construct their own version of the "safe bridge" that Jackson talks about. Surely the history of sovereignty activism in Scotland, conducted under Alasdair Gray's phrase "Work as if you live in the early days of a better nation", has been precisely about trying to create that "spectrum of strategic interventions" (demonstrations, publications, Claims of Right, constitutions, and the endless books of essays. Through these interventions, independistas try to engender a belief that the "complete system" of Scottish independence is a ship people can enthusiastically jump on to – and not a fearful abyss, needing a long rope-bridge. The more patient among us would doubtless claim that, no matter the Holyrood result in May, the imagination gap between Scotland now and a Scottish nation-state is less than it ever was. Bide your time; let the increments of change build and build. I'm not that patient, and never have been. Salmond characterised Scotland in his party conference speech as the "lucky" country, in terms of our natural, structural and human resources. But we might be lucky in an even bigger framework. It seems to me that the practical project of a green and meaningful Scotland, with the macro-power of a nation-state to set new incentives and direct new funds towards that end, is exactly the kind of governmental "safe bridge" that Jackson hopes for. Wouldn't an independent Scotland, in which (to paraphrase the US columnist Thomas Friedman) "green is the new blue and white", provide exactly the kind of policy zeal that's needed? A sustainably oriented patriotism, fuelling the spirit of innovation and sustaining the hard discussions required to get to Tim Jackson's "new territory"? A territory which, as Jackson says, "…entails being more sensitive, open and transparent about environmental limits, a stronger sense of social justice, fixing the basic aspects of an economic system that is now demonstrably broken in its own terms and a shift in the underlying sense of what the good life means and the consumerist base of modern society." In terms of political sentiment – which also means, yes, separating large numbers of Scottish Labour supporters and activists from the Unionist mind-manacles of their Westminster party – isn't there a clear and historic consensus for such a national project? Like the first minister, we can look to Japan and allow our hearts to respond to their collective grief, and fervently wish for them to fix the system that's unravelling around them. But we must also draw some strategic lessons from their tragedy. In this challenging century, don't we need all the steering powers we can get? And, more pertinently, in our election season: what's the vote that gets us closer to achieving that resilient Scottish future? – For more on Scottish current affairs from Pat Kane, go to his ideas-blog, Thoughtland.

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By Stuart Crawford I was never a great footballer as a younger man, but my Dad was, and he seems to have passed on his ability to my son, which goes to prove that talent can indeed skip a generation. Having a keen footballer as an offspring has certainly rekindled my latent interest in the game, and over the past few years I have spent many a happy hour visiting various grounds around Edinburgh and the Lothians watching games at youth level. During the course of this most enjoyable of pastimes I have seen games good and bad, and players ranging from poor to outstanding, through the eyes of an interested but non-expert layman. It strikes me, though, that there are common themes which emerge from my spectating experiences, and I offer them here as ten rules for playing football at youth level which – if applied sensibly and in the appropriate circumstances and context – might just help players and teams to win.

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Some are statements of the blindingly obvious and hardly original thoughts on my part, but I include them for the sake of completeness. Here are the first five rules, with the second half, as it were, to follow: Rule 1 – Keep the ball No prizes for observing that if the opposing team doesn’t have the ball, they can’t score. Common sense, isn’t it? Why is it, then, that the big punt upfield seems to be the norm in local football parks across the country? Why do most goalkeepers thump the ball out of hand rather than pass to their own side? When the long ball is played at this level there is, on average, a 50 per cent chance that it will end up with the opposing side, thus giving them the advantage. And giving the ball away needlessly is one of the main reasons that teams lose. So, if you want to tip the odds in your favour, play the ball in short passes, accurately – like the great Liverpool team of Hansen, Rush, Dalglish et al, which always built from the back. I’m not saying you should never play a long ball, but it should be the exception rather than the rule. Rule 2 – Shoot on sight How many times have I torn my hair out because players are frightened of shooting for goal? Sufficient for me now to be bald, that’s how often. Despite all the bravado shown in training and in mucking about with their mates, for some unfathomable reason very few players seem to have the confidence to shoot from distance in matches. Presented with a choice of pass or shoot, most players pass, and nine times out of ten the scoring opportunity is gone. It needs to be drummed into young players, time and again, that the minute they are in the vicinity of the 18-yard line they are within shooting distance, and they should have a go. Who knows, it may take a deflection and end up in the net – but if you don’t try it never will. Rule 3 – When in doubt, put it out Don’t mess about if you’re unsure what’s safe when defending – put the ball out of the park and buy the time to recover and resettle. Yes, you’re giving away possession, but on such occasions it’s usually worth the trade. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve seen one of the backs try to dribble his way out of trouble, lose the ball, and the other team then scores. At this level it’s safety first, no matter what Emilio Izaguirre does at Parkhead of a Saturday afternoon. And never, never, pass the ball across the pitch in front of your own goal, no matter how good you think you are. Never. Rule 4 – Make the ball work Scottish football is famous (or infamous) for its huffing and puffing, do or die, blood-and-snotters approach to the game. Second only to the hoof-it-up-the-park approach comes the “run with the ball at your feet at breakneck speed with your head down” technique, which inevitably ends when the carrier is tackled by the fourth, fifth, or sixth man he has tried to go past on his own while teammates watch from semi-static positions, leaving him stranded and exhausted at the wrong end of the pitch as the opposition counter-attack. All that effort! So little return. Make the ball do the work, man, pass it. Pass and move, pass and move, conserve your energy for when you need it, rather than expend energy on some futile gesture which impresses neither coach or teammates. The ball can travel faster than the fastest winger can run, so use it accordingly. Rule 5 - Play direct football One of the biggest blights of modern football – certainly at youth level – is the backwards pass. It may be OK for Barry “Square Ba’” Ferguson in the Barclays Premier League, but all it does at boys’ (and girls’) club level is give territorial advantage to the opposition. You know the script: centre taken, pass back to the big, ugly defender who blooters it up the pitch. Ball lost, on the back foot defending straight away. What on earth is wrong with passing the ball forwards these days? The best form of defence is attack, so play in the opponent’s half as much as you can, I say. In fact, if I was a coach, I would ban the backwards pass altogether, with the possible exception of the pass back to the goalie in extremis. So there you are, the first batch of rules. Stick it in your pipe and smoke it, as they say. The final five will follow after the half-time pies and Bovril. In the meantime, let the debate and criticism begin…

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Chan eil rian gur e dìreach mi fhìn a th’ ann. Tha taghaidhean Pàrlamaid na h-Alba a’ teannadh oirnn is cha mhòr gu bheil guth againn air. Ann am beagan seachdainean, bidh an strì mhòr a’ dol eadar Ailig Salmond agus am fear eile nach aithnich duine beò againn. Agus bidh sinn a’ faighneachd dha na Lib-Dems co còmhla ris a thèid iad ann an co-bhonntachd is gheibh sinn freagairtean nach tuig duine beò.

Tha dùil againn aig a’ Chaledonian Mercury a bhith a’ toirt sùil air poilisidhean is seasamhan Gàidhlig nam prìomh pàrtaidh anns na seachdainean a tha romhainn. Ach ‘s e an trioblaid a tha gam chumail a’ dol agus a bhios a’ sàrachadh gu leòr eile gu bheil cuid de na pàrtaidhean ag ràdh aon rud gu follaiseach mun chànain ach gu bheil buill eile anns na h-aon bhuidhnean ag ràdh rudan gu tur eadar-dhealaichte. Buinidh an dà chuid Micheil Foxley is Marilyn NicLabhrainn dha na Lib-Dems. Esan air Ghaidhealtachd is ise ann an Dùn Èideann. Ach ged a tha esan air leth taiceil do chànan nan Gàidheal, tha ise air a bhith ag argamaid an aghaidh sgoil Ghàidhlig dha priomh bhaile na h-Alba. A-measg nam ball-pàrlamaid Albannach, tha Iain Fearchar Rothach cho taiceil ri duine a bha a-rìamh ann am poilitigs na dùthcha, ach bhruidhinn ball eile, Iain Mac a’ Ghobhainn an aghaidh mar a thathas a’ leudachadh craobh-sgaoileadh na Gàidhlig.

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Agus a-rithist, tha am Pàrtaidh Làbarach gu nàiseanta a’ taobhadh ris a’ Ghàidhlig. Ach tha bruidhinn cuid de dhaoine nan adhbhair eagail dha na Gàidheil is dhan chànain. ‘S e ball den Phàrtaidh Làbarach a th’ ann an Iain Rosie, comhairliche ann an Gallaibh, fear a tha air a bhith a’ bruidhinn gu làidir an aghaidh sanasan Gàidhlig anns an sgìre agus a’ sàmhlachadh poileasaidhean cuideachadh na Gàidhlig ri linn nan Nàsach. A-rithist, tha am ball Làbarach Des McNulty, air a bhith a’ togail draghan ma dheidhinn dè cho ‘cothromach’ is a tha an suidheachadh far a bheil dìon ga chuir air goireasan fòghlaim dha sgoilearan Gàidhlig. Anns an là a th’ ann, tha am Pàrtaidh Nàiseanta glè mhath air toirt air na buill aca taobhadh ris a’ Ghàidhlig, ach bha là ann nuair nach robh cuid de comhairlichean SNP buileach cho cuideachail. Agus tha na Tòraidhean ann. Sgrìobh Mìcheil Gove nan Tòraidhean aiste sgoinneil ann an 2009 a’ cuir taic ris a’ chànan agus a’ mìneachadh carson nach bu choir dhuinn leigeil leis a’ Ghàidhlig a dhol a-mach a bith. Sgrìobh e rud cho ciallach is cho cothromach is a leugh mise ann am Beurla bho chionn ùine mhòr. Ach tha buill Tòraidheach a’ nochdadh anns na pàipearan fada ro thric is iad a’ bruidhinn an aghaidh – mas fhìor – an airgid mhòir a tha pròiseictean Gàidhlig a’ faighinn. Tha fios gu bheil diofaran beachd anns a h-uile pàrtaidh mu iomadh ceist is cuspair. Ach tha diofaran ann is diofaran ann. Cha dèanadh tu mòran anns a’ Phàrtaidh Làbarach nam biodh tu den bheachd nach bu chòir dhan NHS a bhith ann tuilleadh. Is cha dèanadh tu cus am measg nan Tòraidhean nam biodh tu ag argamaid nach robh brìgh anns a’ mhargaid. Tha e ceart gu bheil Gàidheil teagmhach is eagallach ma nochdas teachdaireachdan eadar-dhealaichte bho bhuill pàrtaidhean mu chòirichean dhaoine is an cànan. Chan eil an luchd-càinidh ‘dìreach’ a’ togail ceistean, tha iad a’ cur argamaid air adhart nach bu chòir dhuinne a bhith idir ann. Cha bu chòir pàrtaidh sam bith leigeil leo anns an là a th’ ann.

English summary

Murdo MacLeod believes that with the Scottish parliament elections approaching, Gaels and supporters of the language have a right to be anxious because of the mixed messages coming from some of the major parties on the rights of Gaelic speakers. Too often, one party figure will support the langague while another will attempt to drum up populist hostility to Gaelic.

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It is one of the most infuriating yet intractable problems in Scottish politics: everyone agrees that something has to be done to tackle Scotland’s booze culture, but nothing has really ever been done.

Yes, there has been tinkering around the edges, but the only real and cogent plan – the SNP’s proposal for minimum pricing – was tossed out by opposition politicians worried that the big retailers would end up as the only winners. Now, though, there may be a solution – and it has come, quite surprisingly, from a part of the drinks industry itself: the Scotch Whisky Association (SWA). The beauty of the SNP’s plan was in its simplicity – enforce a legal statutory minimum price for every unit of alcohol. This, ministers argued, would push up the price of the sorts of cheap booze which cause the most problems and make alcohol so expensive that young people could no longer afford to get plastered whenever they liked.

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But no, said Labour, that will just drive up the profits enjoyed by the big retailers who will charge more for their booze and rake in the money. Far better, they said, to use the tax system to push up the price of alcohol – that way the extra resources can be used to tackle the problems alcohol causes in society. With the two sides deadlocked, the SNP’s plans were defeated and a great chance to at least start to tackle Scotland’s booze culture was missed. The scale of that missed opportunity is only becoming clear as Northern Ireland and England start to examine ways of introducing minimum pricing. Scotland could be left in the embarrassing position of having the most acute problem and nothing in place to tackle it. But this is where the SWA plan comes into play. It has just submitted an appeal to the UK government ahead of the budget, asking for a freeze on duty on whisky. The SWA suggests by implication (it doesn’t quite state it) that duty should be increased substantially on cider, beer and wine to create a level playing-field with the higher-taxed whisky industry. It is obviously in the Scotch whisky industry’s interest for that to happen, and the SWA wouldn’t be doing its job as a lobbying group if it didn’t ask for duty to be lowered on its own product while suggesting it might raised for its competitors instead. But leaving aside the self-interested side of the SWA’s appeal, there is actually something there that the politicians in Scotland could unite over. Whisky is Scotland’s biggest export and everyone agrees that it shouldn’t be penalised by excess taxes in the UK which act as a incentive for other countries to do the same. If duty was frozen on whisky, then this most famous and profitable of British exports could continue to boom, which is exactly what it is doing at the moment. As one senior figure in the industry told me after recent bumper export sales figures were announced: “I don’t know a single person involved in whisky who hasn’t got a smile on their face at the moment.” If whisky was, therefore, protected from further duty hikes and the politicians wanted to do something to tackle binge drinking, then big rises could be imposed on beer, cider and wine instead. This is where the whisky industry's appeal gets interesting, because the figures seem to bear out its argument. According to the SWA, Scotch whisky is taxed 250 per cent more than cider, 37 per cent more than beer and 30 per cent more than wine. Were duty on all these four categories of alcohol standardised, this would achieve four important results: it would raise the price of the standard drinks of choice of many young drinkers; it would protect an important Scottish and British export; would raise much-needed revenue for the Treasury; and it would introduce a level, universal price-per-unit of the sort that both the SNP and its unionist opponents have been striving for. Everyone seems to agree that prices for the most widely available alcoholic products need to rise. Everyone – in Scotland at least – also seems to agree over the need to protect the country’s number-one export. And everyone seems to acknowledge that a level playing-field, with a universal price-per-unit for alcohol, is the most sensible long-term option in tackling our drink problems. The SWA’s plan would achieve all these aims and also provide a way for both the SNP and the Labour Party to agree on a compromise which will result in neither losing face nor stepping back from its ideals. Is it likely to be agreed? Almost certainly not. This is a taxation issue, so it will be decided by the chancellor, George Osborne, who will also be lobbied hard by UK’s beer, wine and cider producers. None of these will relish the huge tax hikes which would come their way if they were taxed as heavily as whisky. Mr Osborne knows he cannot be seen to be favouring one part of the drinks industry over any other, regardless of how important an export Scotch is for the entire UK economy and not just for Scotland. But what this episode shows is that there are ways of tackling these problems, however intractable they may seem, and sometimes they come from the most unlikely of sources.

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Scotland coach Andy Robinson has decided to stick with the majority of the team which lost at Twickenham for this Saturday’s wooden spoon decider with Italy at Murrayfield.

He has made only one change, dropping tighthead prop Moray Low from the squad and handing the no.3 shirt to Edinburgh’s Geoff Cross. Euan Murray, who was unavailable for the last two games because of religious reasons, returns to the squad but has to settle for a place on the bench. Kelly Brown, the Scotland no.8 who was knocked out trying to tackle England’s Matt Banahan on Sunday, is named in the team but still has to progress through the official medical checks before he can play.

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Hooker Ross Ford, blamed by many for Scotland’s woeful line-out performance on Sunday, will count himself lucky that Robinson has given him another chance to hit his jumpers, but Ford will have to play much better on Saturday to guarantee his place in the starting line-up when the World Cup begins in September. Fly-half Ruaridh Jackson is rewarded for his sound display in the 22–16 loss to England with his third consecutive start, with Dan Parks continuing on the bench. For Cross, the 28-year-old Edinburgh tight-head prop, Saturday’s match will represent his first international start for two years. “We have chosen Geoff at tight-head prop," Robinson said today, "as he made a good impact when he was introduced on Sunday in both set-piece and open play. “We have been watching Geoff’s performances very closely since the A international win against the Irish at Netherdale back in January and he fully deserves this chance.” Robinson reiterated the team’s determination to reward Scotland fans for their support this season against an Italian team that were “rightly lauded” for their win against France. “We know from our own experience that Italy are formidable opponents, especially at the Stadio Flaminio, and our focus this week is on stepping up our performance on our home soil and producing a hard-nosed, complete 80-minute display that the players are capable of delivering and that will give our supporters something to cheer.” The Scotland team to play Italy (Murrayfield, Saturday 19 March, kick-off 2:30pm): 15 Chris Paterson (Edinburgh), 14 Max Evans (Glasgow Warriors), 13 Joe Ansbro (Northampton Saints), 12 Sean Lamont (Scarlets), 11 Simon Danielli (Ulster), 10 Ruaridh Jackson (Glasgow Warriors), 9 Rory Lawson (Gloucester), 1 Allan Jacobsen, 2 Ross Ford, 3 Geoff Cross (all Edinburgh), 4 Richie Gray, 5 Alastair Kellock, captain (both Glasgow Warriors), 6 Nathan Hines (Leinster), 8 Kelly Brown (Saracens), 7 John Barclay (Glasgow Warriors). Substitutes: 16 Scott Lawson (Gloucester), 17 Euan Murray (Newcastle Falcons), 18 Richie Vernon (Glasgow Warriors), 19 Alasdair Strokosch (Gloucester), 20 Mike Blair (Edinburgh), 21 Dan Parks (Cardiff Blues), 22 Nick De Luca (Edinburgh). Referee: Steve Walsh (Australia). Assistant referees: Alan Lewis and John Lacey (both Ireland). Television match official: Hugh Watkins (Wales).

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It’s not an easy time to enter the housing market. House prices may have fallen by 1.4 per cent in January throughout the UK, but the Department for Communities and Local Government reports that, in Scotland and the West Midlands, they dropped by 3.2 per cent. The main reasons for the decline are a combination of government spending cuts and the mortgage drought. There are some who argue that the housing market still has some way to fall. The problem is that many potential buyers are sitting on their hands in the face of the looming government spending cuts and economic uncertainty, while those who want to press ahead with a purchase are continuing to struggle to raise the mortgage finance they need. Howard Archer, chief UK and European economist at IHS Global Insight, explained that “the housing market will be pressurised over the coming months by high and likely-to-rise unemployment, negative real income growth, the increasing fiscal squeeze, very low consumer confidence, and ongoing difficulties in getting a mortgage, particularly for first-time buyers.

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“We suspect that house prices will fall by around 5 per cent in 2011 and end up losing around 10 per cent from the peak levels seen in the first half of 2010.” However, one of the major banks introduced a new scheme yesterday which may help. It’s from Lloyds TSB Scotland and is called “Local Lend a Hand”, described as “a new concept designed to help first time buyers purchase a home with a deposit of just 5 per cent”. That’s still going to be a lot of money for some people to find, but much less than to 10–15 per cent which many lenders demand. The bank says it is “responding to calls for further innovation in the first time buyer market”. It’s part of a wider initiative where mortgages are offered to first-time buyers and home movers who can only raise a smaller deposit with the support of a "helper" – usually parents or other family and friends. In the new scheme, local authorities will take on that role instead. According to Carol Anderson, the bank’s head of mortgages, “We know that a lot of young people turn to the ‘Bank of Mum and Dad’ to get their foot on the ladder, but that's not a solution for everyone. By developing Local Lend a Hand and working with local authorities across the UK, we're broadening the prospect of home ownership to even more first time buyers. "Helping people to buy their first home is crucial in achieving and maintaining a sustainable housing market. With Local Lend a Hand, we're taking our existing Lend a Hand product to another level and addressing the real challenges first time buyers face." So how will it work in practice? Fifteen local authorities across the UK have joined in the initial trial. Each of them decides where the scheme will be available in their area. The first-time buyer still has to find at least 5 per cent of the value of the property but the Local Lend a Hand mortgage covers the rest, subject to usual lending criteria. This isn't a shared-ownership scheme, because the first-time buyer will own the property outright. But the local authority will provide a cash backed indemnity of up to 20 per cent of the property value as additional security with interest being earned on this amount. While it’s up to each council to decide on the size of the loans, mortgages will be offered between £25,000 and £350,000. The only council in Scotland to be part of the scheme in the first stage is East Lothian. Councillor Stuart Currie explained that “the effects of the financial crisis of 2008 continue to have a negative impact on the housing sector, particularly those seeking to purchase their first home. “The amount of deposit required by most mortgage lenders means that many people cannot afford to take their first step on the home ownership ladder and so additional pressures are placed on social housing. This innovative scheme will provide an opportunity for potential first time buyers to secure funding for their deposit and eventual purchase of a property.” He confirmed that the council would make a cash investment with the bank to back up the agreed overall value of the guarantee. The result is that there will be a cap on the amount that can be provided under the scheme and the number of borrowers who can access it. It has still to decide on the areas where the mortgages will be available. “We know that the current demand for affordable housing in East Lothian greatly exceeds availability,” said Mr Currie. “This scheme enables the council to provide an additional choice for individuals, couples and families seeking their own home at an affordable cost. I am sure when the scheme is finalised and launched it will generate tremendous interest.”

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This is a man’s man’s man’s world. The City, executive salaries, most of the political jobs outside Rwanda. In general, those have their fair share of testosterone. Not in the charts. Across the Atlantic and here, male butt is being roundly and soundly kicked. When Jay-Z lands a record in the Billboard Hot 100, many of his 99 problems come from what he doesn’t call the fairer sex. The competition doesn’t just come from his wife. Seven out of the current Top 10 US artists are female. Our own current top five? 80 per cent women. Music’s two undeniably biggest pop stars – Lady Gaga’s only serious competition is Rihanna. The sales phenomenon of 2011, both here and in America – Adele. The breakthrough artist – Jesse J, fresh from Saturday Night Live in New York.

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Hip hop and R’n’B remain predominantly male, but Nicki Minaj and Janelle Monáe are two of the most talked-about acts to emerge in the past 18 months. The most talked-about rock frontman is not a frontman but Florence Welch. Country music’s brightest young star – Taylor Swift. Beyonce, P!nk and Katy Perry are all still selling records, and so (mysteriously) is Ke$ha. This is before you mention Madonna and Kylie. The main contenders to sit on the judging panel for US and UK versions of The X Factor – like it or not, this seems to be some measure of success in modern music – are Simon Cowell and a selection of female singers. Or female lip-synchers. Male marquee acts, by comparison, are struggling. Eminem can’t seem to manage these days without Rihanna or Skylar Grey. Chris Brown is selling records, but his public image for many has been tainted. Robbie Williams’ last single missed the top 59. Like Ne-Yo, Bruno Mars is a songwriter before he’s a performer, and Cee Lo Green is fantastic but a 35 year-old grandfather makes an unlikely candidate as 2010’s breakthrough artist. Justin Bieber is a boy doing a man’s job, if you have to factor him into this argument. It’s only reasonable to wait to see how he’s doing when he’s 18. Boybands like The Wanted, JLS, Westlife and Take That have an appeal which has so far eluded American record-buyers and rock is waiting for its next blood transfusion. Guitar groups are without a doubt toiling. Rock’s chart record in 2010 can best be described as the good (Florence and the Machine), the bad (Train) and the Glee. Those days of Women In Music features are looking as outdated as campaigns to reduce the price of CDs. At this rate, the magazines will have to do a special, one-off, annual Men In Music feature.

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By John Knox The Scots singer Annie Lennox has used a visit to the Scottish parliament to appeal to the men of Malawi to change their sexual ways and prevent the spread of HIV and AIDS. Lennox has just returned from a trip to Malawi where she visited several HIV-related projects being run by Scottish charities. "How do you get a man to use a condom?", she was asked. "I don't know all the answers," she said. "But somehow we have to change the mindset of men in Malawi. "Young male teachers are being sent out from college to teach in rural schools and many of them assume they can have sex with their pupils – and they don't use condoms."

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Lennox is a special envoy on HIV/AIDS for the Scottish branch of the Commonwealth Parliamentary Association. Last month, she went on a fact-finding tour to Malawi and made a 26-minute film to show to MSPs and others to highlight the work being done by Scottish charities. In the film, Lennox is seen visiting the Theatre for a Change project, which takes drama into colleges, army barracks and police stations to challenge men about their sexual behaviour. She is also seen visiting a Waverley Care project in Blantyre (in southern Malawi), which helps women sex workers to escape from prostitution. A young woman tells her that she was persuaded to have sex with a priest and was then abandoned when she became pregnant. "If that happened to me," Lennox said, "abandoned with a child, living in absolute poverty, I might become a sex worker too. "But there is now less of a stigma about being HIV positive in Malawi. People are beginning to talk about it. And the voice of women is strengthening." Lennox told MSPs that one-third of maternal deaths in Malawi are caused by AIDS, while 20 per cent of children die under the age of five because of HIV-related issues, such as poverty and infection. She said there are 850,000 orphans in Malawi, most of whom have lost their parents due to AIDS. Among the projects Annie Lennox visited were the Open Arms children's home in Blantyre, a Big Issue homeless project, a Red Cross grannies club and a Mary's Meals feeding station – where the film showed her stirring a large cauldron of "porridge", a hot maize meal now provided to 420,000 children every day in Malawi. "Mary's Meals is such a wonderfully simple idea," Lennox said. "It costs just £6.15 per child per year to provide a hot meal once a day, an incentive to come to school and be strong enough to learn. And it involves the whole community in cooking up the porridge. "It's a brilliant example of how the Scotland–Malawi partnership is working. We've got to keep this partnership going. Five years ago, we all came to Edinburgh to make a commitment to make poverty history. We've got to see that commitment through. This could be a beacon, a model, for partnership throughout the world."

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Anyone who has travelled the short distance between Islay and Jura knows how strong the pull of the Atlantic can be in this most intriguing of sounds. The little Port Askaig car ferry often has to head off from the shore at a sharp angle just to make to the other side, because the strength of the tide racing between these two Hebridean islands is so fierce. Now, though, that power is to be harnessed in the world's biggest tidal energy project. Scottish ministers gave the go-ahead today to a £40 million ScottishPower Renewables (SPR) plan which is expected to provide enough electricity for all 3,000 homes on Islay twice over.

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Research work has been going on in the Sound of Islay for the last couple of years, and in July 2010 SPR applied for consent to construct and operate a ten-turbine demonstrator tidal stream energy array, but this has only now been approved. Not only is it expected to keep Scotland at the forefront of tidal energy power, but the development will provide a significant jobs boost for an island community which has struggled because of a lack of employment opportunities over recent years. Finance secretary John Swinney determined the application for the 10 megawatt facility, as it is in energy minister Jim Mather's Argyll and Bute constituency. "With around a quarter of Europe's potential tidal energy resource and a tenth of the wave capacity," Mr Swinney said, "Scotland's seas have unrivalled potential to generate green energy, create new, low-carbon jobs, and bring billions of pounds of investment to Scotland. This development – the largest tidal array in the world – does just that and will be a milestone in the global development of tidal energy. "[The] ScottishPower Renewables array will work in harmony with the environment and use the power of the tides in the Sound of Islay to generate enough green energy to power double the number of homes on Islay. There is simply nothing like it consented anywhere else in the world." SPR is also entering its tidal farm in the Pentland Firth – between Caithness and Orkney – into the £10 million Saltire Prize for marine energy innovation. First minister Alex Salmond met SPR and Hammerfest Strøm (a company jointly owned by SPR and Norwegian energy companies) in Norway last year. Hammerfest Strøm is developing one of the world's most advanced tidal turbines, the HS1000, which will be used in the Sound of Islay development. Burntisland Fabrications Limited has a £2 million contract to build the turbines. The Scottish government's target is to meet 80 per cent of electricity demand from renewables by 2020. In 2009, 27 per cent of electricity demand came from renewables.

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Libyan dictator Colonel Muammar al-Gaddafi, whose forces have been closing in on the rebel capital of Benghazi, has been further isolated by the international community after the United Nations Security Council imposed a no-fly zone over the war-torn country on Thursday night. The move was hailed by Libyan rebels, and there were wild celebrations in Benghazi, but there were also concerns in some quarters that it had come too late to prevent Gaddafi from regaining control of the country. The resolution, proposed by Britain, France and Lebanon, was approved by ten votes to nil. China and Russia, which had been expected to use their vetoes, abstained, along with Germany, India and Brazil. Germany's abstention came as a surprise, while another NATO member, Turkey – although not on the Security Council – was also known to be against the move.

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Crucially, the resolution was backed by the 22 member states of the Arab League. The resolution – number 1973 (2011) – demands an immediate ceasefire: "the complete end of violence and all attacks against and abuse of civilians". Surprisingly, it goes further than imposing a no-fly zone – it also appears to authorise the use of air strikes against Gaddafi's ground forces. It stops short of authorising a UN occupation – the Libyan rebel leadership has made it clear that it does not want to see the deployment of foreign troops on Libyan soil. The resolution also tightens the arms embargo by calling on all member states to "inspect in their territory vessels and aircraft bound to or from Libya", and widens a freeze on Libyan assets. In Tunisia, the US secretary of state Hillary Clinton described Gaddafi as "a man who has no conscience and will threaten anyone in his way. It's just in his nature. There are some creatures that are like that." The United States had been reticent about taking action against Gaddafi, with the US secretary of defence, Robert Gates, warning against any "loose talk" of a no-fly zone. This was due not only to the difficulties of implementing it, but also because the Obama administration feared it could be dragged into yet another protracted conflict. Although the US decision was described by some as an "about turn", Washington was clearly swayed by support from the Arab League, which in most people's eyes gives military action over Libya the legitimacy the invasion of Iraq lacked. Arab backing for the resolution was also a major factor in the decision by Russia and China to abstain rather than cast their vetoes, which spared the US the embarrassment of defeat in the Security Council vote. There were mixed messages from the Libyan regime on what it would do next. Libyan government spokesmen said the UN move would simply serve to split the country. Gaddafi's troops are expected to set up a siege around Benghazi over the weekend. Instead of a full-scale bombardment of the town of 147,000 people, however, the regime planned to send in security forces to root out the "traitors" and "fanatics", while allowing safe passage for those who wish to surrender. It was not clear how long implementation of the no-fly zone will take, although the US, British and French military have been planning such action for some time. There are fears, however, that the move may have come too late to stop Gaddafi's forces from taking Benghazi. If the town does fall, it will be impossible for UN forces to launch any attack on Gaddafi's forces without risking the deaths of civilians. That, including the possible shooting down of any NATO aircraft, as occurred in the Kosovo war, could lead to calls for ground troops to be sent in. That must be avoided, for however strong the moral case for military action in Libya, the revolutions sweeping North Africa and the Middle East have so far been carried out without foreign intervention. The resolution also sets a precedent: with Saudi forces in Bahrain, helping the regime snuff out its own uprising, many across the Arab world will be watching to see if any action is taken against those countries.

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A week on from the devastating earthquake, there is no shortage of Japan-related news and analysis – but a few less high-profile pieces are worth flagging up as of particular interest. The documentary film-maker Adam Curtis – best known for his BBC series The Power of Nightmares – blogged on the Japan nuclear crisis on Wednesday. Curtis’s post includes the film A is for Atom, which he made in 1992 and which looks at the history of nuclear power development in the UK, the USA and the former Soviet Union. “It shows how the way the technologies were developed was shaped by the political and business forces of the time,” writes Curtis. “And how that led directly to inherent dangers in the design of the containment of many of the early plants.

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“Those early plants in America were the Boiling Water Reactors. And that is the very model that was used to build the reactors at the Fukushima Daiichi plant.” Curtis goes on to discuss how various safety concerns were overlooked or disregarded, and his film also features at-the-time recordings relating to the 1979 disaster at the Three Mile Island reactor in Pennsylvania. Also mentioning Three Mile Island is this report, from 2007, produced by the World Nuclear Association (WNA). It focuses on the “Tokaimura Criticality Accident”, an earlier Japanese incident, starting in September 1999 and involving mismanagement of enriched uranium such that a “criticality”, or limited uncontrolled nuclear chain reaction, occurred and continued for 20 hours. Tokaimura was a uranium reprocessing facility – much smaller than the Fukushima Daiichi complex – located between Fukushima and Tokyo. There were health concerns in the surrounding area, with 119 people receiving a radiation dose over 1 millisievert during the period of the leak. Two of the three workers in closest proximity to the incident died (after three and seven months). The International Atomic Energy Agency later concluded that the accident “seems to have resulted primarily from human error and serious breaches of safety principles, which together led to a criticality event”. The WNA report includes the international nuclear event scale, on which the 1986 Chernobyl explosion is Category 7 – “Major Release: Widespread health and environmental effects.” It remains to be seen what rating Fukushima Daiichi eventually receives, but already there is informed talk of it being at least Category 6 – “Significant Release: Full implementation of local emergency plans.” The international nuclear event scale is also a reminder that not only was the Three Mile Island incident rated as Category 5 (“Limited Release: Partial implementation of local emergency plans”), so was the 1957 reactor fire at Windscale. The accident at the Cumbrian coastal plant – now known as Sellafield – remains the worst nuclear accident in the UK. Returning to the current terrible events in Japan, ABC News provided two sequences – published 13 March and 15 March – of before-and-after satellite images showing the area affected by the tsunami. In each case, the pre-tsunami pictures are the ones shown, and the later ones can be seen by sliding the computer’s pointing device over the picture. The software is impressive – but nowhere near as striking as the knowledge that it’s people’s lives that are being shown down there amid the wreckage. Update: Also on the World Nuclear Association site mentioned above, here is some background information (dated 18 March 2011) about earthquake provision and also some detail on the current Fukushima Daiichi crisis. Here, too, is a collection of links from the Citizens’ Nuclear Advice Center in Japan.

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By Elizabeth McQuillan Going to the dentist is never going to be an event to get enthusiastic about. On arrival, there is the hard sell dental plan to once more politely decline. Then there is having your jaw being forcibly dislocated to accommodate a fist. Thereafter, it’s sharp implements, power tools and choking on saliva. The next time your dentist shines his interrogation lamp into the gaping chasm of your mouth, and smugly tuts (in the knowledge that you haven’t religiously flossed), consider this: a visit to the dentist might have been an even less pleasant experience before the appliance of science. Folk have always tried to keep their teeth clean. In 5000 BC, the Egyptians made a tooth powder with myrrh (antiseptic/healing), eggshells (abrasive), pumice (abrasive) and ox hooves (pass). This would have been rubbed on to the teeth with the fingers, and should have done a pretty good job of removing debris and stains. According to osteo-archeologist Trevor Anderson, in a paper published in the British Dental Journal, information gleaned from medieval medical literature shows that dental techniques were surprisingly advanced in the UK.

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The medieval documents refer to both cosmetic and conservative dentistry. At that time, there were liquids to whiten the teeth, methods of removing calculus and compounds for filling cavities. There is also a reference to dentures made from human teeth or cow bone. Cures for "tooth worm" were often herbal, and bloodletting was often advised. Evidence also points to filling carious cavities. Surgical intervention for oral cancer and facial fractures was also known. A suggestion for painless extraction: "Take some newts, by some called lizards, and those nasty beetles which are found in fens during summer time, calcine them in an iron pot and make a powder therof. Wet the forefinger of the right hand, insert it in the powder, and apply it to the tooth frequently, refraining from spitting it off, when the tooth will fall away without pain." Somewhat more palatable, a vino-inspired recipe for mouth soreness: "Take a cupful of wine or claret, and a sprig of rosemary (Rosmarinus officinalis), boiling them together; put in a piece as big as a nut of frankincense, a spoonful of honey, and two of water, mixing them well together. Wash the mouth frequently, and it will be cured" In reality, the medical text and the techniques mentioned therein would have only have been available to the elite surgeons within university towns. They would have dealt with a select wealthy clientele where recompense was forthcoming. With the discovery of new lands came sugar – and, since the rich would luxuriate in the ingestion of the refined product, it did mean that they likely suffered from tooth decay to a greater extent than their poor contemporaries. However, the peasants had a harder time of it when they did get toothache. They had to turn to the local blacksmith, barber or wigmaker to deal with the offending tooth. Removal – the only practical method of dealing with decay, infection and pain for the poor – has involved some teeth-clenching techniques throughout history. Primitive societies used a thin wedge of wood and a mallet to loosen the offending tooth. The dental pelican is one of the earliest instruments to remove teeth, and dates back to the 1300s. The barber or travelling tooth man would use the device so that the tooth was removed sideways. After the claw was placed over the top of the tooth, the fulcrum – the semi-circular piece of metal at the end – was placed against the gum. The pressure from the lever was intended to remove the tooth out the side exit, but it likely took out the surrounding gum, jawbone and perhaps surrounding teeth in the process. This torturous tool was eventually replaced by the dental key (or Clef de Garengeot) in the 1700s. Rather like a door key, the instrument was inserted horizontally into the mouth, and a claw tightened around the tooth. This was rotated and the tooth loosened and removed by a ratchet motion. This remained in use until the 20th century, when forceps were given their place in dental history due to Sir John Tomes, the Victorian dental pioneer. Studying to be a surgeon, Tomes was more interested in teeth, and examined them in great detail. His experience of extractions, along with his study of the shape and size of each tooth and their roots, spurred him to design new styles of forceps adapted for different teeth. Tomes was instrumental in campaigning for a diploma in dentistry that was affiliated to the Royal College of Surgeons. This finally ensured that there was a regulating body within dentistry, and that malpractice and incompetence was at least discouraged. So, while you may not wish to take up the offer of a dental plan from your dentist, you can at least be assured that he isn’t a blacksmith, barber or wigmaker when he drills and fills. It might, though, be worth checking the framed certificate on his wall, as there was a recent case in the West Midlands…

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Birmingham must feel left out. Liverpool is the setting of the latest movie from Ken Loach, Route Irish, which arrives in cinemas this weekend. Loach favours big British industrial cities for his films, with Looking for Eric and Raining Stones based around Manchester, My Name is Joe, Ae Fond Kiss… and Carla’s Song in Glasgow, The Navigators in Sheffield, Riff-Raff and his 1966 breakthrough TV play Cathy Come Home based in London. The setting for Route Irish is Liverpool, but its heart is in Iraq. Geographically, it’s about what one character calls “the most dangerous road in the world”, the road from Baghdad’s Green Zone – recently featured by Matt Damon and Paul Greengrass – to the airport. In terms of character, it’s about the independent contractors employed in the rebuilding – subject matter covered by Peter Bowker’s BBC drama Occupation. Route Irish is a revenge thriller from the pen of Glaswegian lawyer and screenwriter Paul Laverty, and is not up there with the best of Loach’s work. It aims at its targets in a way that doesn’t allow for enough grey areas, the central relationship is unresolved and it is slightly stingey on jokes.

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This is surprising after Loach movies such as Riff-Raff and Raining Stones, and because it features a small role from uber-Scouse comic John Bishop filmed before he broke big. It remains remarkable for three reasons. The central performance from Mark Womack stays with you long after the closing credits. Route Irish also sees Loach reunited with Kes cinematographer, the venerable Chris Menges, whose work with Stephen Daldry (The Reader), Roland Joffé (The Mission, The Killing Fields) and Bill Forsyth (Local Hero) distinguished him as one of the finest directors of photography Britain has ever produced. The other point to note is this: Loach is 75 in June. Alfred Hitchcock may have said that he saw movie-making as “not a slice of life, but a piece of cake” – but, like Bill Shankly’s oft-quoted life/death comment on football, he may not have been entirely sincere. According to pretty much every film director ever (apart from Hitch, perhaps), the energy involved in making a film is colossal. Sisyphus never had to deal with test screenings, funding shortfalls and interfering producers. In the same weekend as Route Irish hits big screens (multiplexes are not required here), the latest Woody Allen film You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger is released after middling notices. While this has been greeted with a host of wistful reminiscences from the 70s and 80s (era, not age-group), and misty-eyed references to Woody’s wonderful New York flicks, Loach is very much regarded in the present tense. While You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger has seen cast interviews talk of Allen’s lack of communication, Route Irish has seen Womack and others gush about the warmth of their director’s relationship with actors. And for all that we revere Woody Allen, 75, as one of cinema’s natural treasures, he hasn’t produced anything great since 1995’s Mighty Aphrodite. The fire in Loach’s belly continues to burn brightly. You Will Meet… features Australia’s Naomi Watts, America’s Josh Brolin, Wales’ Anthony Hopkins, India’s Freida Pinto and Spain’s Antonio Banderas. Route Irish follows Loach’s normal path of largely British unknowns and does not suffer for that. It might be time to make as much of a noise about Ken Loach as he does about the political classes which upset him so much. You don’t envisage him being happy with it, but if Ridley Scott can be knighted, Sir Ken Loach would be an interesting concept.

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“May I congratulate the Prime Minister on his breathtaking degree of courage and leadership”… David Cameron looked positively prime ministerial as members of the Commons took turns this morning to applaud him for the government’s success in securing a wide-ranging and widely-supported United Nations Security Council resolution on Libya. Behind him, the beleaguered William Hague sat quietly lapping up a rare moment of glory. Like his distinguished predecessor Robin Cook, whose "ethical" foreign policy ended against his will in the tears and frustration and tragedy of Iraq, Hague looked rather like a garden gnome. This will not be Iraq, one could hear him thinking, because unlike then, on this occasion “we are all in this together”.

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The deputy head boy, Nick Clegg, offered his usual supercilious raised eyebrow to anyone daring to question the government’s wisdom. Not that there was much disagreement: Tory MP Mark Reckless goaded Cameron over the government’s defence cuts, suggesting that the operation would be enhanced if the (decommissioned) aircraft carrier Ark Royal, armed with (scrapped) Harrier aircraft, could take part; Labour MP Jeremy Corbyn asked why action was being taken to protect human rights in Libya but not in Saudi Arabia and Bahrain (a question Cameron expertly avoided answering); there was an expression of concern over how long the RAF Tornados and Typhoons would have to fly missions over Libya; and would Britain become bogged down in its third war in just over a decade? No, it would not, Cameron explained, because Resolution 1973 explicitly ruled out the use of ground troops. Support from the Arab League and the African countries on the Security Council – South Africa, Gabon and Nigeria – added weight to the international commitment to protect Libyan rebels from Gaddafi, Cameron said, implying, or so it seemed, that if ground troops were ever required, it would be Arab and African troops that were involved, not British and American. Further distancing himself from the methods of Tony Blair, Cameron said the government would publish a (presumably undoctored) summary of the legal advice given by the attorney general, Dominic Grieve, ahead of a Commons debate on military action on Monday. Even as Cameron was basking in the glory of his first major diplomatic success, in Tripoli Gaddafi’s foreign minister, Moussa Koussa, declared a ceasefire, ostensibly to “protect civilians”. But was this a ploy? Gaddafi has said he will besiege the rebel capital, Benghazi, this weekend and send in security forces to root out the “traitors” and “fanatics”. He pledged that anyone who wasn’t a traitor could walk free, but how could he tell, and who would believe him? Early this morning, Gaddafi's spokesman had laughed off the UN resolution at a jocular press conference in Tripoli, saying that a no-fly zone would not bring peace to Libya, but would simply split the country. The bizarre press conference ended with a raucous rent-a-buffoon party, with green-bedecked Gaddafi supporters leaping from chair to chair around the elegant room, like a bunch of football hooligans. A far cry, it has to be said, from the measured tones of the Commons congratulatory session.

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By Stewart Weir Saturday If at any time on your travels you come across a pile of tattoos, there is a fair chance that underneath them all you will find a sportsman hiding. Pain and the buzz of a Micky Bee machine is a mental and physical combination I can do without. Couple that to mediocre sporting ability (a specialist first-leg runner in the 4x100 relay and an unlucky spin bowler who never found a turning wicket) and you will therefore find no angels, Maori battle garb, flying eagles or pouncing big cats, crucifixes, weans' names in Chinese, Japanese or Cockneyese or pledges of love or allegiance here. And I really take my hat off to those Olympians who have their rings done.

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But in the world of sport these days, you just haven’t made it unless you’ve adorned your flesh with the odd pint of ink or three. Basketball star Dennis Rodman was the first I can remember taking body art to new extremes, way before David Beckham became a walking Tate Modern. These guys can literally carry it off, given the combination of their sporting prowess and their levels of fame, or infamy. They do what they say on the skin. Needless to say – or should that be needles to say? – I have a slightly different take on those guys playing in the Scottish Third Division and their need to decorate various parts of their anatomy. Just wait until you're 60 and your grandson asks: “Papa, what’s your Tasmanian Devil got to do with Alloa’s Clackmannanshire Cup win in 2008?” All of which and a bit more leads me nicely to the appearance of Scottish boxing world champion Ricky Burns at Braehead Arena and the latest defence of his WBO super-featherweight title. Burns defeated Ghanaian challenger Joseph Laryea, who retired at the end of the seventh round, supposedly with a broken knuckle – although the only way I could see that happening was if Burns had punched his hand as well. Burns looks a champion, in terms of both performance and tattoos – although I bet he doesn’t have the bottle to get his own knuckles tattooed in the fashion of one boxer I knew. Jealous of his brother’s "Love" and "Hate" combination, went out and got "Fish" and "Chip". Maybe it was Ubiquitous… If Saturday was profitable for Burns, in terms of Sky Sports covering his big night, then so too must it have been for Scots indie rockers The View. Their latest offering, Grace, has been used on Sky’s Soccer AM and as the wrap-up music on their World Cup cricket coverage and the boxing. Amazing! I just hope the royalties are as well. But judge for yourself. Sunday Another day of cup football north and south of the border. Over the weekend, there were glorious goals, as in David Goodwillie’s strike against Motherwell, further proving my point of a few weeks ago that it isn’t just Wayne Rooney who could do it. There were also glorious games, as in the contests between Brechin City and St Johnstone and the battle of the Scots bosses when Owen Coyle’s Bolton Wanderers got the better of Alex McLeish’s Birmingham City. Arguably the best action of the weekend, however, took place 12,000 miles away when the A-League Grand Final was contested between Brisbane Roar and Central Coast Mariners. This saw the Mariners lead 2–0 with just three minutes of extra-time left, before the Roar equalised then won on penalties to clinch the league and cup double. It was an amazing final. Actually, it wasn’t. It was an incredible period of extra-time and a nail-biting penalty shootout. Before then, the only thing memorable was the torrential rainstorm which emptied the 50,000 capacity Suncorp Stadium. Monday I remember Twickers trips of old when the Sunday journey home at least allowed half a chance to square yourself up before work on the Monday. But these Sunday matches are so inconsiderate. At least there was a morsel of comfort for those homeward bound that Scotland had put up a brave fight against the Auld Enemy, and it was only in the closing minutes that England used their superior numbers (in terms of having ten times the population to choose from) to good effect. That said, backs coach Gregor Townsend said in advance that Scotland – despite not having won in London since 1983 – had "the players and the tactics" to win at Twickenham. Do I hear cries for drug testing within the coaching set-up? Instead, Scotland will now face Italy in a bid to avoid the wooden spoon. Typical that the Italians will arrive off the back of their greatest-ever Six Nations victory, having beaten France 22–21. I watched that match avidly, not because of what the outcome might be, but because – like England–Scotland and the Calcutta Cup – the Euro duo have their own reward up for grabs, namely the Garibaldi Trophy. I was transfixed right to the end, desperate to see if said trophy was just a big biscuit. How good would that have been? And even better if it had been presented to the winning skipper by the school janitor, giving him a choice of that or a Digestive… Tuesday Less than 24 hours after it started, the digital clock in Trafalgar Square – counting down the 500 days to the start of the 2012 Olympics – stopped. "We are obviously very disappointed that the clock has suffered this technical issue," said a spokesman for the Swiss-based Swatch Group. "The Omega London 2012 countdown clock was developed by our experts and fully tested ahead of the launch.” I sincerely hope the official timing equipment for the Games works perfectly. Slightly embarrassing to declare Usain Bolt’s 100m winning time as “11 hours, 53 minutes and 27.28 seconds, we think…". Wednesday Sean Lourdes is Jonathan Watson’s die-hard Celtic-supporting character from Only An Excuse. Or should I say Sean Simpson Craig Gemmell Murdoch McNeill Clark Johnstone Wallace Chalmers Auld Lennox Substitute Fallon Lourdes, to give him his full name. Silly and funny – but it would never happen. Unless, that is, your mother and father happen to be raving Burnley fans. Welcomed into the world on 28 January (but only just revealed) is Jensen Jay Alexander Bikey Carlisle Duff Elliott Fox Iwelumo Marney Mears Patterson Thompson Wallace. And if you couldn’t make that up, then neither will you believe that the family name is Preston. You do have to wonder about what goes on in the head of some parents, leaving their poor child open to the ridicule he will face in later life when his friends find out whose name he has. Chris Iwelumo! And here’s why. Thursday With the noise, the music and most of all the beer, Premier League darts is more like a party with some sport taking place in the background. Having witnessed it first-hand, it really is a great night. Unfortunately, like some parties, a few of those you invite can waste it for everyone. So it was at the SECC. No doubt someone, somewhere, when they did the scheduling, thought local lad Gary Anderson against Adrian Lewis – the man who beat him in the world final – would be a good idea. And it should have been. Instead, it acted as the catalyst for an ugly night with racist jeering and bad – if not criminal – behaviour, with beer and coins hurled at players and the stage. It wasn’t any better outside. The public tunnel that leads from the nearby train station to the venue was awash with drink and piss, smashed bottles galore and discarded food and rubbish. And no, I’ve never seen it like that before or after any football matches at nearby Ibrox. It was a mess. It was an embarrassment. It was an advert for sport Scotland can do without. Friday Rangers manager Walter Smith reckons his side should have had a penalty as they exited to PSV Eindhoven in the UEFA Cup. Of course, with five on-field officials in the vicinity and a sixth on childminding duties, you would think that someone, somewhere would have noticed. I can just about buy why you would need a fourth official. But as far as I can see it, given that I have never seen any of them make a decision of any note in any game, those assistants beside the goals at either end do nothing other than enjoy a jolly to foreign lands for a few days. Of course, frustration got the better of many at Ibrox as Scotland’s last remaining European representative meekly exited. That included one punter, driven to despair and angry at American Maurice Edu’s contribution, who cried: “Edu, Edu, this is shite. You’re shit. This is f*cking fitba, not f*cking soccer.” The classic example of two nations separated by a common language…

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Word came in a couple of weeks ago of a possible access problem on the Lairig nan Lunn road that links Glen Lochay with Glen Lyon. Talk of a new gate being put in, which might at times be locked, plus there was rumoured to be no smaller side-gate for pedestrians and cyclists.

The Lairig nan Lunn road – sometimes called the Learg nan Lunn – is one of Scotland’s oddities. Built for hydroelectrical reasons in the late 1950s, it turns north at the western end of the “proper” Glen Lochay road, climbs by a series of zigzags and a longer, straighter stretch to a height of just over 500 metres at the lairig – or pass – itself, then drops more gently to the Loch Lyon dam. It connects these two fine glens courtesy of under five miles of tarmac, and so – the winding, blind-summited nature of the Glen Lochay road notwithstanding – has long been seen as the fastest and easiest motoring route to upper Glen Lyon. It’s hard to say quite how much time is saved by someone heading for the Lyon dam from Killin, as compared with the “official” route via the Lochan na Lairige road that passes the former Ben Lawers visitor centre, but it could easily be upwards of 15 minutes.

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Things, however, are rarely that easy – and there is a take-a-chance element to this sneaky side-door approach to the upper reaches of Scotland’s longest glen. Writing in the 1979 edition of The Southern Highlands – the Scottish Mountaineering Club (SMC) guidebook to the area – Donald Bennet had this to say: “[A] private road from Kenknock crosses the Learg nan Lunn pass to Lubreoch in Glen Lyon, (the gate at the north end of this road is usually locked).” So, in other words, no problem if fancying an ascent of bulky Beinn Heasgarnich or the easy Corbett, Meall nan Subh, from the high point of the pass. But trying to reach Glen Lyon itself – say to climb Stuchd an Lochain – risks having to beat a frustrating retreat. Except that, for many a year, there hasn’t been a problem. Your correspondent must have driven over the pass a dozen times since the mid-1980s, with no recollection of any troublesome gate. Perhaps years ago one needed to be opened – and dutifully closed again – somewhere over the Lyon side of the pass, but where’s the problem with that? There are quite a few gated roads in Scotland, and scores of them in northern England. They slow the journey very slightly, but more importantly they let the local shepherds do their job. Gate-politics is one of the areas in which the underlying quiet accord in land-use – workers coexisting with recreationists – is most evident. There appears to be no formal right of vehicular access across the pass, however. It’s been a combination of custom and convenience that has kept things this way for so long. The status of the road is distinctly uncertain: the current Ordnance Survey 1:50,000 mapping has it in yellow, which indicates official status. But not so long ago it was uncoloured – basically a glorified track. By contrast, the Wikipedia page “List of the highest roads in Scotland” – yes, of course there is such a thing – included it until last November, when someone going by the name of Vclaw edited it out. It had been listed as the eighth-highest road in the country. Overall, the consensus seems to be that it’s a private road with turn-a-blind-eye access – which meant that, if the locked-gate rumours were true, it would merely be a case of Oh well, that was good while it lasted. A lack of foot and bicycle access would be another matter, however. Since the introduction of the Land Reform (Scotland) Act in 2003, such routes have been required, by law, to be kept open for walkers and cyclists. Time for a site visit. Listening to rumour and speculation is only useful up to a point, especially as walkers often have a tendency to assume the worst about matters relating to access, wildlife mismanagement, track-bulldozing and the like. (Because, at times, the worst does actually happen.) It didn’t take long to suss out the basics. The end of the formal Glen Lochay road – a messy place where Hielan coos grazed among the parked cars – had changed markedly. There is now no parking at the road-end itself, but in a neat new car park three-quarters of a mile back the way. It’s perhaps too far of an add-on than is ideal, but most people will be there for a walk, so the extra 15 minutes each way shouldn’t really be seen as a chore. The reason for the change in parking arrangements is that Glenlochay Estate has embarked on a forestry project on the north side of the glen – and it is this that has led to the questions about gates. There are two: one almost immediately after the turning on to the Lairig nan Lunn road, the other a good bit further up, almost half a mile beyond the junction where the mid-level track branches off (the one routinely used by walkers heading for Creag Mhor). Two weekends ago there wasn’t a walkers’ side-gate beside the lower gate, but this was open anyway. The upper gate was closed but unlocked, with a side-gate as required. Richard Barron, senior access officer with Stirling Council – on whose desk such issues fall – paid his own a visit a few days later, cycling up from Glen Lochay in a rainy gale. Despite having also heard reports of problems, he too was pleased to see that there didn’t appear to be any real issue. “The gates have ‘Close the gate’ signs on them,” Barron said. “I had hoped to meet the estate manager who was in the area, but the weather conspired to prevent that. Still, I have managed to speak to him now and also the Forestry Commission about the planting. “The gates are part of the forestry works and the fences that are going up here and elsewhere on the estate are to keep sheep and deer out of the new planting areas. Once the trees have grown up, then these will be removed. All the plantations that cross paths/tracks will have crossing points, a requirement of the Forestry Commission support. “The gates over the hydro road will both have kissing gates as per the one by the higher gate. The one at the bottom hasn’t been built yet. There is no intention to lock the gates across the hydro track [the Creag Mhor one] as long as the people that go through them remember to shut them afterwards. There are currently reminder signs on them that the estate have put up and I am going to send them some of our council ones. If the gates end up getting left open then they may need to get locked to prevent damage to the young trees. “So nothing to worry about, but very nice to see that people are keeping an eye on things and letting us know.” So all seems to be well – there’s no subterfuge or sneakiness, no Glenlochay Gategate. Straightforward pedestrian access will be maintained, as indeed it must, and for drivers the old situation looks likely to continue – if they fulfil the basic courtesy of re-closing any gates before driving on. Only two questions remain. One: given the appalling state of the tarmac on the zigzags up from the Lochay side, is the Lairig nan Lunn still the useful short-cut it has been for many years? No, not really. Two consecutive severe winters have given rise (or, rather, given depth) to several chasm-like potholes. Until resurfacing takes place – and that's not the responsibility of the council – it could well be both quicker and cheaper in terms of garage bills to go the longer way round by the Lochan na Lairige. And two: the aforementioned Beinn Heasgarnich, which your correspondent and his compadre duly climbed in clag after making the site visit, is now shown as Beinn Sheasgarnaich on OS maps. More correct in Gaelic terms, no doubt – but will it catch on, and will the SMC officially change the name they use in Munro’s Tables? Time for another investigation…

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The address given by Iain Gray to the Scottish Labour spring conference held in Glasgow, 19 March 2011.

Conference, thank you. And thank you to Fiona [O'Donnell] for that introduction. I do believe that one year ago, although we did not win the general election – and what a price we are paying for that – here in Scotland through your efforts we sent some remarkable new MPs to Westminster. They have already made their mark – they are to the fore in holding the Tories to account. They are fighting day in, day out for the communities they represent. And Fiona is one of them. East Lothian is proud of you Fiona. Labour is proud of you. And I am proud of you too. I am proud too of Labour's MSPs in Holyrood and their fight over the past four years to oppose the SNP there. In and out of that chamber they have stood alongside teachers and parents fighting cuts in their schools, the victims of crime fighting for justice, redundant apprentices fighting for a chance, kinship carers fighting for recognition, and workers fighting for protection at work. Labour, your MSPs have done you proud.

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A special thanks goes to those who are leaving Holyrood this week. Marlyn Glen, Trish Godman, Rhona Brankin, Wendy Alexander, Peter Peacock, George Foulkes, Margaret Curran, Cathy Jamieson. And of course Jack McConnell, the longest-serving first minister of Scotland. And I see the new faces who, voters willing, will carry on the work of Labour and, I believe, can take us to new heights. Faces like Ewan Aitken, Lesley Hinds, Stephen Curran, Jenny Marra and Lawrence Fitzpatrick – I kid you not, Lawrence has knocked on more doors and rattled more letterboxes than Postman Pat. And congratulations to Scotland’s newest councillor, Roy Glen, winning this Thursday past in Paisley with a remarkable 17 per cent increase in our share of the vote. Well done Roy. It is always a pleasure to meet in this great city of Glasgow, with its proud history of socialist politics and its Labour council, led by Gordon Matheson, demonstrating the power of Labour values in tough times. This city needs Labour and the support of Glasgow for Labour endures and strengthens this party. You know what else this city really needs, though? A rail link to its airport. And we will make sure it gets one. People I meet sometimes say being Scottish Labour leader must be a tough job, and sometimes it can be. But I will tell you what is really a tough job. Bringing up a family on your own. That’s tough. Working 12-hour shifts to make ends meet. That’s tough. Picking yourself up if you have been made redundant and trying to find a new job in your 40s or 50s. That’s tough. Trying to keep your house nice and your garden decent in a street where no one else cares – that’s a tough job. Our politics should be about supporting those people doing tough jobs in tough times. Make no mistake, this election is being fought in a time of anxiety. When in our memories was the world last in such tumult? Peoples around the world face the most daunting of challenges. Our hearts go out to the brave citizens of Japan struggling with the aftermath of earthquake and tsunami. We send our solidarity to those struggling for the democratic rights we too often take for granted, not least in Libya. We have watched in awe as one man’s sacrifice of his own life in Tunisia has triggered a great new wave of democratisation. To me, those brothers' and sisters’ struggles are based in the need to feed and care for their families. And what those people are demanding is that their voices of change be heard. Too often we take that power for granted. This world can be shaped by the will of its people, and so it should. Let those voices be heard. Labour will support them every step of the way. But here in Scotland, too, people are worried. They are worried about making ends meet and whether they can pay their bills at the end of the week or the end of the month. They are worried about cuts to services and whether the services they need will still be there when they need them. Worried about the NHS, in case they need to go to hospital. Worried about care services in case their elderly parents need them. But above all, people are worried about jobs. Their own jobs and the future job opportunities for their sons and daughters and grandchildren. So we will fight this election campaign on a programme which speaks to those anxieties. A National Care Service – national standards of care delivered locally so that people can count on them. Cutting the number of health boards, not the number of nurses in our NHS, and ensuring our hospitals are cleaner so that people can be sure that if they do need to go to hospital they will not get sicker because of hospital-acquired infections. A literacy drive in our schools, so that parents who do the right thing, and get their kids to school, can be sure that they will learn the basic skills of reading and writing that they need to build all their other learning upon. The First Foot scheme to reduce deposits on new homes so that young Scots starting out in life can find their way onto the property ladder. A freeze in council tax to alleviate some of the pressure families face on their household budgets. Tough action on knife crime, so their streets will be safer, and new powers for communities to tackle antisocial behaviour, so that when their life is made a misery by bad neighbours and those who respect no ones rights, then they will be listened to and action will be taken. But, conference, no party which goes into the election this May simply saying how they will stop Scotland going backwards will find favour with the electorate. Because even in these difficult times people want to know that things can get better too, that there is the hope of a Scotland where the economy is growing again, jobs are there, and opportunity is opening up for the next generation. So our policies and programme will not only speak to the people’s concerns but to their aspiration as well. It is a programme to take Scotland forward. We will guarantee an apprenticeship opportunity for every qualified school-leaver who seeks one. We will create 10,000 job opportunities for unemployed young people, replacing the future jobs fund which the Tories ended yesterday. We will not put a price on higher education, so that no aspiring Scottish student need turn away from study because of the prospect of a £12,000 tuition fee debt. And I can announce today that we will introduce a new College Maintenance Allowance to replace the broken college bursary system which makes it impossible for so many to sustain their studies and leaves students pleading poverty to officials in order to get what support they need. These and other measures we will announce in our manifesto amount to a comprehensive investment in the future of Scotland’s young people. Let us not pretend for a minute that making it all happen will be easy. But I tell you it is worth it. Because together this amounts to a powerful pledge I make today on your behalf - that we will not stand by and see a generation lost to Tory ideology and SNP incompetence. All of this matters because when we do get Scotland building again the construction industry will come looking for joiners and plumbers and brickies. We have to be sure our young people will be ready then. All of this matters because when the new industries like renewable and life sciences come looking for graduates and technicians, we have to be sure that our young people are ready to take up those opportunities and grow the Scotland of the 21st century. All of this matters to me. So much. Because I am a father. And an uncle. And a grandfather. Because it is my niece training to be a nurse for our NHS. My nephew going to university next year to study engineering. My granddaughter who will need the skills and the education to make her way not just in the 21st century, but God willing, right through to the 22nd. All of this matters to me because I remember the last time. The last recession. The last cuts. The last Tory government. You know, when I heard that Alex Salmond had said “Scotland didn’t mind Thatcher’s economics, it was just her social policy we didn’t like”, I wondered where the hell he had been in the 80s. Because, as I recall, Scotland minded Thatcher’s economics very much indeed. And then I remembered. He was a banker in the oil department of the Royal Bank of Scotland. Maybe there they didn’t mind Thatcher’s economics. But where I was we did. I was teaching in a secondary school in Edinburgh. Where Thatcher’s economics drained all of the hope, and all of the energy and all of the life out of the kids. Where they were told that their unemployment was a price worth paying. Where they were taught society had no place for them. That they would never work. That they had no future. It took a generation to turn that round. Eighteen years to get rid of the Tories. A new deal to eradicate youth unemployment. It took Labour to rebuild that school inside and out. First we rebuilt the school itself, to show the students we believed in their potential. Then we rebuilt their prospects, to show them they really had the potential. And then we created the jobs they could do to unleash their potential. If you really think Scotland didn’t mind Thatcher’s economics, just her social policy, you don’t understand Thatcher, you don’t understand economics, and you don’t understand Scotland. Thirty years on, the social pain caused by those Tory economic theories runs through 1,000 communities in Scotland. The scars of what they did to our mining industry run through every street, every house and every family of the mining towns in my constituency – to this day. Unused shipyards lie empty with the silence of discontinued industry, craft and creation – to this day. And the ghost of a once-great steel industry haunts the empty expanses of the Ravenscraig site – to this day. Those Thatcher economics were the most dismal algorithms of the dismal science. And are they not written in the DNA of David Cameron and George Osborne to this very day? When the crash came in 2008, the opportunists called it the end of progress. The twisted fiction of the right proclaimed the end to "easy money" and to "loose spending". They called the social pact of the welfare state a failed experiment. Well, the society our movement built out of the tatters of the second world war was no theory, no academic test or fanciful experiment. The Labour movement built this country on the truth of values and on the pledge that their children would not live the hardships of their parents. And David Cameron is that twisted fiction made real. He says this recession wasn’t the fault of his banker friends, but the fault of the people who wanted decent schools and hospitals they could rely on. Every day he prosecutes the case that unemployment is the cost we pay for daring to dream of something better for our country. Well, don’t believe him. These are no mere dreams. These are values that guide us and that can make those better tomorrows real. Conference, in my last speech to you I quoted Albert Camus: “I love my country too much to be a nationalist.” But here is a quote all of my own: I love the people of my country too much to be a Tory. I believe in enterprise, but I believe in fairness too. I believe in working hard, but I don’t believe that anyone works hard enough to earn a £6 million bonus when too many people are still working as hard as they can to make £5.93 an hour. I believe in encouraging success and excellence, but I don’t believe in anyone just being left behind. So, if elected as first minister I will put the economy at the heart of everything I do. I will create an economic cabinet, at the heart of government tasked with driving economic growth through policies across the span of government. They will draw on the experience and the expertise of the trade union and workforce side of industry, as well as management, and they will draw from the successful approaches of the cooperative and voluntary sector too. And if I am elected first minister I will also set up a Fairer Scotland commission to draw the roadmap for the long term - that takes Scotland towards a more equitable society and thus a society more at ease with itself. It simply cannot be right that life expectancy varies by as much as ten years according to which side of a street you are born on, or that we fund higher education from the public purse but we make little or no progress in opening up our universities to more students from our poorer communities. It cannot be right that the path of your life is set at birth more firmly now than it was 30 years ago. Our task is a great one – it is to give form to hope and make real the dreams of better lives that in our best days we all have dreamt. So we will set ourselves to building that better tomorrow. We know that being on the side of working people and being on the side of the businesses that drive our economy are one and the same thing. We believe in the right to work, we believe in decent wages and conditions. We believe that our country needs to be competitive to encourage growth. A Labour government in Holyrood will work to grow our economy and create jobs as our single greatest priority. A government focused on what really matters. That’s what people want and it is what Scotland needs. We will invest in the green and growth industries of the future, delivering jobs that are rooted in Scotland for the long term and meeting our environmental commitments. I want to see us redouble the government’s commitment to the renewables sector, not just to renewable generation but to development and manufacturing as well. We will streamline and energise government support for this industry in order to make it deliver our potential. The Tories of yesterday believed that manufacturing was disposable and whole industries could be left to die. I don’t believe that. We cannot go back to the past but we can build and manufacture our way into the future. Earlier this week, I visited Alexander Dennis in Falkirk. That firm has been making buses for 50 years. And they still are. They are making the highest quality, most advanced hybrid buses in the world – and they are selling them all over the world. I saw skilled coachpainters working there in the paint shop and met the new apprentices. My granddad was a coachpainter – an apprentice almost 100 years ago, and painted buses all his life. The buses I saw on the visit are modern, green and packed with high technology. But the skills and the hard work and the pride of those apprentices are just the same as my granddad's. It has to be higher tech. It has to be higher value. It has to be packed with innovation, but I believe Scotland can still manufacture, engineer and innovate its way to the industries and jobs of the future. For four years now, we have had a government that has been distracted from these issues, that have had their minds on other things. Did you see the SNP party political the other week? It was based on Monty Python. The Life of Brian – “What have the Romans ever done for us?” Good movie. Not my favourite line from, it though. Alex Salmond. He’s not the messiah. He is just a very naughty boy. He told parents he would reduce class sizes to 18 in p1, p2 and p3, but he didn’t. Naughty. He told Scotland’s teachers he would ensure they all had jobs. But he didn’t. Naughty. He said he would match our school-building programme brick-for-brick. But he didn’t. Naughty. He told Scotland’s students he would replace student loans with grants and pay off all student debts. But he didn’t. Very, very naughty. Even naughtier than naughty Nick Clegg. Alex Salmond is no one’s idea of the messiah. Except maybe Alex Salmond’s. Surely the greatest indictment of the SNP administration is this: Labour left them a Scotland where unemployment was lower that the rest of Britain. The SNP leave a Scotland where unemployment is higher than the rest of Britain. That happened because they cancelled projects like the rail links to Edinburgh and Glasgow airport. Stopped the school-building programme. Slashed the housing budget this year. It happened because they cut 3,000 teachers from our schools, and 1,500 nurses from our hospitals. And they did that in the good years when budgets were rising. The Tories still believe that unemployment is a price worth paying. Thanks to the SNP, Scotland is paying a premium on that price – in construction workers sitting at home, teachers on supply and nurses heading abroad to use their skills. Labour says unemployment is never a price worth paying and Scotland will not pay it. I believe that when we train nurses, they should be deployed in our hospitals, when we turn out committed, enthusiastic, highly trained teachers, they should be inspiring youngsters in our schools, and I believe that our architects, builders, joiners, plumbers and electricians should be constructing schools and hospitals and homes for us. I believe that Labour can make that happen again. Conference, the last time I addressed you, I laid out our plans for a radical reforming agenda. Fewer health boards, a single police force, halving cancer waiting-times, a Scottish Future Jobs Fund, a Scottish Living Wage, an apprenticeship guarantee. Alex Salmond has done his best to follow in our wake. Well – follow this: We will end automatic early release. Bringing transparency to sentencing. We will set up a chronic pain centre for patients in our NHS, so Scots don’t have to travel to Wales to receive the quality of life-enhancing treatment they deserve. We will establish our First Foot scheme to help first-time buyers get their first mortgage. We will set a standard of zero-tolerance of drugs in prisons. Time spent in prison should be a time to change for the better. We will make sure that if you carry a knife you will go to jail. We’ll keep coming up with the ideas to make Scotland fairer, safer, healthier, more prosperous. The SNP can keep chasing from behind. Let no one say that there is no difference between us and them. Just look at the past four years: Labour wouldn’t have cancelled airport rail links in Edinburgh and Glasgow. We wouldn’t have cancelled £1 billion of schools and hospitals. Wouldn’t have cut 3,000 teachers from our schools. Wouldn’t have cut 1,500 nurses from our hospitals. Labour wouldn’t have ended short jail sentences for perpetrators of domestic violence. And, conference, I would not have released the Lockerbie bomber. One thing Labour will never do is introduce the SNP’s unfair, unworkable, unwanted Local Income Tax to hammer Scotland’s families. Follow us on that, Alex Salmond. Drop your local income tax now. We will fight for what matters, every day. They’ll keep plugging away at that same old separatist idea that distracts them from the concerns of working people. Because this time is not like the last recession, the last time of cuts, the last Tory government. This time we have the Scottish parliament. And we created that parliament for this time. I have the privilege of representing East Lothian, where John P Macintosh and East Lothian Labour Party campaigned, argued and evangelised for Scotland to have its parliament for years – when it was an unfashionable idea. It was the long Tory years and the advocacy of Labour politicians like Gordon Brown, Robin Cook, John Smith and Donald Dewar, who won the argument and made Scotland believe in that idea. Labour created that parliament. Though the SNP mocked. Remember they said we could not deliver a pizza never mind a parliament. The truth is it is Alex Salmond who delivers plenty of promises but never delivers the goods. Ed Miliband was right this morning: we created our parliament for the hard times, not the good times. Conference, we created it for a time like this. It means we can say, with our hand on our heart, you see what the Tories are doing to the NHS in England? We won't have that here. You see what the Tories are doing to the universities in England? We won't have that here. You see what the Tories are doing to council services in England? We won't have that here. This is what our parliament is for. Sometimes people say that Labour created the Scottish parliament thinking we would always be in charge. But that was never true. Donald Dewar knew his history and his democratic principles better than that. The tragedy of the past four years is not that the SNP have run the parliament. It is that they have not used it for the things that really matter. They have spent more time buying saltires than building schools. Given more attention to a referendum than to the regeneration of our communities. They are more interested in complaining about what they cannot do because they don’t have the power than doing what they can with the power they have to support Scottish families. The parliament we want to see is not a platform for party posturing and a government of grudge and grievance, but a place where Scotland can be brought together to make the future we want for our people. Donald Dewar knew that, when he talked of a parliament which was about “more than our politics and our laws”. “A Parliament which is about who we are, how we carry ourselves.” Do you remember the excitement of that first day in 1999, of what we could achieve; the sense of pride and hope, the emotion that spread through the streets of Edinburgh when people joined in with Sheena Wellington to sing A Man’s a Man? Remember the old man interviewed by BBC in Princes Street Gardens crying, because he was part of a day he never thought he would see in his country? The pride we felt because we had done it. Labour had delivered for him and now we must deliver for him again. The vision of what Scottish Labour politics should be runs through the history of our party. In 1924 a great socialist son of this great Scottish city, James Maxton, described a Scottish parliament he would never see but which we now have, and a purpose he could only dream of but which we can now make real. “Give us our parliament in Scotland. We will start with no traditions. We will start with ideals. We will start with purpose, with courage. We will start with the aim and object that there will be 134 men and women, pledged to 134 Scottish constituencies, to spend their whole brain power, their whole courage and their whole soul in making Scotland into a country in which we can take people from all the nations of the earth and say: this is our land, this is our Scotland, these are our people, these are our men, our works, our women and children: can you beat it?” That is the parliament Labour created and that is the vision to which we must aspire, the opportunity to make it real, the outcome for which we must campaign day and night from now until 5 May. Because it is today as it always has been – Labour who will stand up for the working people of Scotland in this time of recession, in this time of cuts, in this time of the Tories. Just like our parliament, our Labour movement and our Labour party were not created for the easy times, but for the hard. Our roots lie in struggle, our strength lies in solidarity, our values lie in justice. But our determination comes from the hope and the certainty that even in the most difficult of times we can and we will find ways to raise up our people, lift up our communities and build up our country again. These are our beliefs. This is our socialism. Now is the time for the Scottish parliament to step up. To be what it was meant to be. A powerful instrument of social progress. Fighting for the things that really matter. Now is the time for Labour in Scotland to step up. In Oban, I declared this a doorstep election and since then you have knocked on 500,000 doors and made the Labour case. Time to step up. In the next six weeks we will knock on 500,000 more and make that case again and again and again. Now is the time for Labour in Scotland to step up. We know the things that really matter. Jobs, opportunity, fairness. A strong NHS, safe streets and the best schools we can possibly provide. Now is the time to step up and fight for the things that really matter. Conference, now is the time for you to step up for Labour. And for Labour to step up – for Scotland.

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After Nikki Walker had done his best traffic-policeman act and waved Andrea Massi through for Italy’s first-half try at Murrayfield yesterday, a friend turned to me and suggested that the Ospreys winger shouldn’t play for Scotland again, ever – particularly as this error was a virtual repeat of a similar offence against Wales.

“Ah, but you wait," I replied. "He’ll score the match-winning try. Bound to.” And that is exactly what happened. Walker’s inconsistency represents something of template for Scotland’s problems. He took some really good lines yesterday and ran hard and straight through gaps, causing the Italian defence so many difficulties that his try was almost inevitable.

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But his defence was also woeful, not just once but on many occasions. Massi’s try was just the one time that Italy managed to take advantage of Walker’s profligacy. Time and again in the first half the Italians targeted the soft right-hand side of the Scottish line, because they knew that Walker would either be out of position or he would hesitate over which man to mark and would allow the opposition to make line-breaks. Now consider how Scotland have been this season – maddeningly inconsistent. They attacked with real purpose and skill in Paris, scoring more tries at the Stade de France than they have since 1999, but their defence was all over the place. Scotland also played better at Twickenham than they have for years, staying in the hunt for an unlikely victory until the final quarter and only then being beaten on penalties, drawing the try-count one-all. They were good, too, in patches, against the Italians yesterday – and if we took those three games, the French, the English and the Italian matches, all three were pretty much what we hoped from Scotland before this tournament started: combative and close defeats to the big guns away from home and a solid victory over the Italians at home. The real aberrations came in the Welsh and Irish games. These were at Murrayfield, yet Scotland failed to score a single try and lost both games. The nadir was reached in the Welsh match when the Welsh were reduced to 13 men and still Scotland couldn’t fashion a try. The end result of four losses and one win was not what was expected of a side which had beaten the Springboks in the autumn, the Australians the autumn before that and had beaten Argentina 2–0 away from home last summer – but it represents a fair reflection of Scotland’s standing in the game and the way the team played. The first, biggest and most surprising area of failure was the set scrum. The Scottish scrum was dismantled wholesale by the French, a development which arguably handed the game to the home side. It struggled again against the Welsh and Irish scrums – which was even more worrying because Scotland should have at least secured parity if not outright dominance up front against these two sides – and it was under tremendous pressure against the English. Only in yesterday’s game against a pack which was supposedly one of the best in the championship did Scotland look anything like being on top. By the time Scotland took the field against the Italians, Andy Robinson was on his third-choice tighthead prop. Euan Murray started against France and Wales, Moray Low started against England and Ireland and both props struggled. Geoff Cross, who started against Italy, seemed to perform the best of all, which is worrying for Murray and also for Low, neither of whom can now guarantee their place on the plane to New Zealand for the World Cup. Then there was the line-out, another supposed area of strength for Scotland. The line-out collapsed against England but was brilliant yesterday against Italy. The difference was that Scotland’s problems against England all came from Ross Ford’s poor throwing-in, and the Italy game showcased just what exceptional snaffling locks Richie Gray and Al Kellock have become on opposition ball. Given that Scotland seemed able to win opposition ball at will but still have problems on their own throw, it was a wonder that they did not choose to kick the ball out more often yesterday. This, though, was the not the game plan executed by Ruaridh Jackson at no.10. Jackson kicked frequently yesterday, and more frequently than he really should have. For the first ten minutes, Scotland ran everything and looked a really good and dangerous team. Twice they came within a whisker of scoring tries and had to settle for penalty kicks at goal instead. Then, as the game settled down, Scotland started kicking the ball back to the Italians, giving their opponents the opportunity to run the ball back – and, in doing so, they let the Italians back in the game. This, in essence, has been Scotland’s problem all through this championship. They have kicked too often, too poorly and, in doing so, they have surrendered hard-won possession too easily. Jackson’s kicking in the Ireland game marked the worst of this tendency, but Dan Parks was also at fault in this regard when he has been on the pitch. Yesterday’s win was gratifying and deserved but it did leave many supporters with the feeling of frustration. If only Scotland had got the win in early and created the sort of momentum which is vital to any successful Six Nations campaign. Nick de Luca and Walker took their tries well. Nathan Hines off-loaded well to set up de Luca for the try, although he still does not totally impress as a no.6 – some of his tackling was a little wayward and off the pace yesterday. Sean Lamont was as good as ever in attack and defence, and although he is learning to offload better, that is still not the best part of his game. Chris Paterson is back to his defensive best, and while he does not have the pace he used to have to stretch defences, he works so well with Jackson as an alternative stand-off half that he should be considered the first-choice full-back for the World Cup (particularly as Hugo Southwell was so dire in the Welsh game that he doesn’t really deserve another chance). Four losses from five games is not the return anyone north of the border wanted, and few expected. There is no getting away from the fact that this has, yet again, been a poor campaign. Tries are still at a premium, particularly at home, which in itself reveals a worrying lack of cutting edge. But there are positives. The side is now considerably better than it was at the start of the championship. Cross is the best tight-head we have available. Richie Gray emerged as the best new forward in the whole tournament (possibly vying with Ireland’s Sean O’Brien for that honour), while, in Jackson, Scotland may have unearthed the man who will control the games in the World Cup from no.10. But there are still players who have to prove they can step up to the mark, foremost among them Ross Ford. The Edinburgh man has been groomed and shaped to be Scotland’s first-choice hooker for so long that it seems inconceivable that he would be dropped. But unless he improves his throwing in, he will have to be replaced by someone who can hit his jumpers – every time. There is also a worrying lack of pace on the wings. Without Max Evans, as was the case yesterday, and with Simon Danielli on one wing and Walker on the other, Scotland lacked the sort of pace that will be needed to take advantage of line-breaks against the very best defences in world rugby. Overall, though, Robinson will head into the World Cup warm-up games with a better idea of who his best performers are – but aware that once again, as a whole, the team have failed to meet expectations. He knows, and they know, they can’t afford to do that again. If they do that in New Zealand, they will be on an early flight home and Scotland’s proud record of qualifying for the quarter-finals of every World Cup will have gone.

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From Ronnie Reagan to The Governator to Law & Order star Fred Thompson, actors have always been able to enter stage-right to the top table of US politics. The concept of actor-turned-politician in Britain is rarer, save for Glenda Jackson’s 19 years as a Labour MP. Politician-turned-actor is a little more complex. Some may subscribe to the lines from As You Like It – “All the world's a stage, / And all the men and women merely players” – with our elected representatives considered the least convincing actors. That’s certainly the origin of the “How can you tell when a politician is lying? His lips move” gag, which is so old it first surfaced on a carved rock edict around the time of King Ashoka. This past weekend has, nevertheless, been instructive in one aspect of British public life. Comic Relief has given us the opportunity to critique the acting skills of our last two prime ministers.

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Four years ago, Tony Blair met Catherine Tate’s stroppy schoolgirl creation Lauren Cooper: This weekend, Gordon Brown sat at a planning meeting convened by James Corden’s Smithy character from Gavin and Stacey, and also attended by Richard Madeley, Davina McCall, Trigger from Only Fools And Horses, Justin Bieber, Sebastian Coe and two Beatles. Just in case the directorships dry up, and our last two PMs end up in panto, it's worth assessing the two films: Timing Blair’s sketch was filmed early in 2007, when he already knew he was on his way out – he left office in June that same year. His repetition of the Tate catchphrase “Am I bovvered?” is OK in an am-dram sort of way. As anyone who watched Brown deliver party conference jokes such as his Arctic Monkeys/Arctic Circle stinker will know, and as those with memories of the botched attempt at a 2007 election will recall, timing was never his strong suit. The fact that thousands on Twitter wished he’d filmed this potentially vote-winning sketch 12 months ago suggest it still isn’t. Verdict: Blair win. Humility Blair treats a potential voter of the future with contempt and even cheekily purloins her catchphrase. Brown teases himself about “having time on my hands”, allows Corden to rip him for his radio mic debacle with Mrs Duffy and happily cedes other celebs including Trigger and Keira Knightley to go on the Comic Relief trip ahead of him. Verdict: Easy Brown win. Respect Lauren Cooper shows Blair precious little. Brown fares better. Corden calls the MP for Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath “Big Dog”. Long-time Labour supporter Dermot O’Leary says “That’s a great man” when Brown offers his services and he even gets props from Marvin from boyband JLS. Verdict: Brown has rather stage-managed win. Loss of dignity You could argue that after wearing a bomber jacket while standing next to George W Bush and planning a war milllions saw as illegal, a sketch with Catherine Tate was a flesh wound. But Blair’s desperation to be liked, his gusto in delivering the “Am I Bovvered? Face – Bovvered?” catchphrase is so shamelessly revealing about him as to be almost sad. Brown offers to duet with JLS and does the actions, rather unconvincingly, to Everybody in Love – but, again, his timing is off. Being move-perfect would not have bolstered his fiscal credibility any. Verdict: Brown win. Shock factor By the time Blair did his sketch, he’d been interviewed by little Ant and little Dec, Des O’Connor, June Sarpong, and turned up to the Brit Awards to gladhand David Bowie. Everyone knew he had that “you like me” affliction also visited upon Sally Field. Therefore, his participation was not entirely unexpected. The Corden sketch is full of jaw-dropping moments, from the cast of Harry Potter singing the theme tune for Only Fools And Horses and Professor Robert Winston quoting Whitney Houston as he sits next to Knightley, to the (then) England football captain pretending to cry. In participating, Brown is well out his comfort zone. By the end of the sketch, a politician clearly not considered A People Person is offering JLS out for a pint. Where else but Comic Relief would you see JB of JLS saying “Let’s bounce” to a former prime minister? Verdict: Brown win. Messaging From a charity perspective, neither is perfect. Blair plays it for pure laughs, which is maybe the sole point of these sketches, but Sir Paul McCartney talking about how Africans don’t have enough food because they eat too much, even if it’s a joke at Corden’s girth, is borderline offensive (to them, not Corden). Brown stays on-message, despite grimacing at the idea of close contact with African children. Verdict: Nearly a no-score draw, but Brown talking about the “amazing work” funded by Comic Relief means he scrapes a win. Overall verdict Gordon Brown and Tony Blair both show they have a sense of humour, but we knew this already from their having appointed Hazel Blears and James Purnell to positions of high office. And “Do Something Funny for Money” should be encouraged as long as it doesn’t involve peerages. The relish and brio with which Blair attacks his lines suggests he has the edge, but Brown wins popularity points for one obvious reason. As a past prime minister rather than a sitting one, as Blair then was, the audience only really learns to love you when you’ve left the stage. So a Brown win, but both former Labour leaders tower above the current incumbent with his “David, I love you so much as a brother” masterclass in bad acting. Judged as a comedy sketch, that might be the funniest of the three.

– To support the work funded by Comic Relief, go to www.bbc.co.uk/rednoseday or call 03457 910910.

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