By Stewart Weir
Saturday
I forced myself to watch the Grand Slam decider (Mark 1) between England and France. Not as good as everyone wanted it to be, so in the end Harry Hill’s TV Burp won.
Sunday
Oscar night, “and the winner of The Most Calamitous Football Cock-up of the year goes to [wait for laughter to end] … Laurent Koscielny of Arsenal.”
Of course, had Charlie Mulgrew not been appearing in a B movie (as the dithering idiot amongst many on a fun day out in Lanarkshire), he might have won. But in football terms, Sunday's Carling Cup final was top billing, with Koscielny the star – or, rather, the disaster – of the show.
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Anyone who has played football at any level takes on board the basic instruction: “If in doubt, f*** it out.” Koscielny, though, left an aimless ball for goalie Wojciech Szczesny, who didn’t grab it because he didn’t see it, and Obafemi Martins was left with a tap-in to win the cup. I was happy Birmingham won, particularly for Alex McLeish who has done a great job there, often under difficult circumstances. It was nice to hear the Blues supporters singing his name at the end – which is possibly more than he ever got at Rangers, despite his level of success there. Monday Oscar hangover day, where winners suffer because of their partying, and losers just suffer. So it is in football. Arsenal, without a pot in six years, took the Wembley loss badly – particularly midfielder Jack Wilshere, who took exception to Birmingham celebrating the Martins winner. Or, more specifically, he took exception to Barry Ferguson’s pat on the head (it looked more like a skelp to me) for Koscielny, as the ex-Scotland captain further ridiculed the unfortunate defender. Wilshere tweeted “Well done to the BCFC player who slapped Koscielny on the head when they scored, very big of you!” Jack, Jack. Have a look at this, mate. I think one of the teams is Arsenal. Now try tweeting a sentence using the words pot, kettle and black… Tuesday When is an Olympic swimming pool not an Olympic swimming pool? Well, Portsmouth councillors spent £5 million to find that one out. The 50-metre pool at the city's Mountbatten Centre, described as “Olympic-sized” and “Olympic-standard” in all the blurb, was actually found to be five centimetres short once the touch-sensitive timing boards were added. The Liberal Democrat council deny it is a blunder and say the pool can be used for training, with swimmers timed using stopwatches, and for amateur events. Not so, claim the Tories who say it was sold to them on the understanding Portsmouth would be hosting an Olympic team of swimmers for training for next year’s Games. Being five centimetres short – even after submerging the touch-sensitive equipment – is something Portsmouth will just have to live with… Wednesday Regardless of what happened elsewhere, the day belonged to little-known Irish cricketer Kevin O'Brien. His blazing innings against England gave Ireland an historic victory in the World Cup and him a place in the record books, scoring the fastest-ever century in the 36-year history of the competition, taking just 50 balls to make his ton as he led the Irish run chase. You always know you've witnessed something special when non-cricket lovers make comment. Or, in these parts, was that just because he bludgeoned the poor English? Thursday My dear old friend Hugh Currie said there was no such thing as a new story. It was just a story, the only new element being the generation reading or seeing it. The midweek Scottish Cup game between Celtic and Rangers left most of the nation shocked. Wild tackles, red cards, the odd touchline fracas. Not what anyone needed, if only because it played right in to the “barra” of those who, earlier in the week, according to the Scotland Today headline, wanted Old Firm games banned. One of those making that call was Les Gray of the Scottish Police Federation, who I must say I preferred when he was lead singer with Mud. And I’m sure, Mr Gray, many of your members would welcome the loss of a few overtime payments for having to work at such events rather than rubbing their hands in anticipation. Or is that just an act some of them put on… And then there was councillor Paul Coleshill, a Strathclyde Police Board member who probably doesn’t like making overtime payments. He began his STV interview with the line: “If we were to re-invent the world…”. Liberal, I thought. And I was right. He seemed to believe that seven Old Firm fixtures was the norm, when, in reality, only four were planned. Sometimes Paul, you are told one thing, and something else happens. Like tuition fees. But that’s political. As the stooshie at Parkhead has become, with all sorts having a say, amongst them the first minister Alex Salmond. Two decades ago, he was just a plain old Westminster MP who didn’t have much to say about football, perhaps something to do with him being an alleged Hearts fan. So when Celtic beat Rangers 2–0 in the Scottish Cup, the member for Banff and Buchan was surprisingly silent given that Mark Hateley, Terry Hurlock and Mark Walters of Rangers were all dismissed – as was Peter Grant of Celtic. What could possibly have changed in those 20 years? Possibly Mr Salmond’s need to be heard saying the right thing. Friday Manchester City defender Kolo Touré has been suspended after testing positive for “a specified substance”. This comes just a few days after it was revealed that Hamilton Accies midfielder Simon Mensing served a four-week ban after a specified substance was detected in his system, which he says came from a food supplement. Having in the past been involved in catching, revealing, hiding and saving those “guilty” of drug test failure, I have a pretty good idea of how the system works, both legally and biologically. In the vast majority of cases, a failure comes as a complete shock to the individual, and usually through complete ignorance. It can be costly. Take Alain Baxter, who used the same-branded nasal decongestant in Europe and America, except that the US version contained pseudoephedrine – so no bronze medal. But failing a drug test can be a life-saver. In the case of Alan Stubbs, called to give a sample after the 1999 Scottish Cup final, that was how he found out he had testicular cancer. Sometimes failing a drug test means you’ve only been cheated by life.Find out about donating to The Caledonian Mercury
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