After he made The King’s Speech, Colin Firth must have known he’d be making a few more speeches. His last one, at the Oscars, wasn’t too bad. He thanked all the relevant parties, did the usual upper-class self-deprecating foppish thing and promised not to disco-dance.
The Academy Awards, like other gong shows this year, exemplified how the practice of those who are paid to read out words for a living can fall apart when they do not have the prop of a screenwriter. Oscars producers even banned the whipping out of bits of paper.
Listing collaborators, colleagues andfamily members was doing for the show ratings what Charlie Sheen has done in the past week for the Fathers 4 Justice movement. If they don’t have a prepared speech, bad things can happen.
Take 2011’s Best Supporting Actress Melissa Leo, who says “I’m kinda speechless” two minutes before she stops speaking, and drops the first F-bomb in the 83-year history of the Oscars, before nicking Kirk Douglas’ walking stick.
Find out about donating to The Caledonian Mercury
It wasn’t quite Gwyneth levels of awfulness, but it wasn’t the Gettysburg Address, either. Natalie Portman thanked so many colleagues from the camera operators to the woman “who dressed me every day” (is that not her job?), it was surprising not to hear her end her speech with the phone-in staple “…and anyone else who knows me.” Robbie Williams hardly improved on that at the BRITs, greeting Take That’s win for Best Group by shouting “Shabba” for reasons known only to him. Alex Turner from the Arctic Monkeys speeches haven’t been much more graceful. The awards acceptance speech is something of a lost art. Ricky Gervais has some useful pointers – don’t cry (“it’s only an award”), keep it short, “especially if you’re not onscreen talent, no one wants to hear from them” – but here are a few others: 1 Be witty Steve Martin picks up his Mark Twain award and says: “When I look at the list of people who have won this award, it makes me very satisfied. When I look at the list of people who have not won this award, it makes me even more satisfied.” 2 Thank everyone, but only if it’s a joke Namedropped in John Cleese’s BAFTA award-winning speech – Jacques Cousteau, Soren Kierkegaard, Sonny Liston, the Leyton Orient strikers, the RSPB, St Francis of Assisi, the Planet Saturn and all of its rings … and last, but of course not least, God. He forgot his agent. 3 Thank no one Johnny Vegas: “I want to thank loads of people but I keep thinking it’s just down to me and hard work.” Gervais and Steven Merchant took a similar tack after their 2003 Comedy Award. Besides, if you thank everyone and mean it, producers just wished they’d installed a trap door. 4 Just add the surprise element Sandra Bullock won a 2010 Razzie for Worst Actress in the turkey All About Steve. Turning up was one surprise. Wheeling on stage a cart of DVDs for everyone in the audience so that they would re-evaluate their opinion of the film … no one saw that coming. It wasn’t an awards ceremony, but Cleese again made sure no one dozed off during Graham Chapman’s memorial service when he added: “Good riddance to the freeloading bastard”. According to Cleese, it’s what he would have wanted. 5 Insult everyone Don Rickles already had form. In a “roast” to Sinatra, he said: “It’s all over, Frank … gone.” Gene Kelly, George Burns, Orson Welles, Jack “Quincy” Klugman, Ronnie Reagan and others all got it in the neck. The smoking ban is not in evidence here. Paying tribute to Scorsese, he is equally insulting. His acceptance speech for a plaque he received for performing at Caesars Palace Casino is rude to the casino and his representative, his wife, several denominations, Whoopi Goldberg and the residents of New Orleans: “Whoopi’s doing a benefit for Hurricane Katrina, but I won’t be there. I don’t believe in it. My house is fine.” 6 Freewheel Mickey Rourke’s famous Independent Spirit Award win is a symphony of spontaneity – but you have to be Mickey Rourke to carry it off. He starts crying and dedicates the award to his dead dog, Loki. He goes on: “Whatever Eric Roberts did 15 years ago should be forgiven,” while everyone in the room starts Googling their smartphone to see what Eric Roberts’ decade-old misdemeanour actually was. He threatens to kick the ass of The Office’s Rainn Wilson “That little blonde dude who did that thing” after an earlier skit, before taking in the decorative individual who hands out the trinket, the Santa Monica police department, the wrestling community, a producer friend of his – “he’s broke right now so needs the work” – and “everyone at Fox Searchlight, including the little one that I call ‘Gap Tooth’”. 7 Take revenge Tina Fey smacks down bloggers who spewed out hate at her “Dianefan, cougarletter … you can suck it.” Imagine if Old Firm managers did that in post-match interviews. They’d be there all day. 8 Whatever you do, try to avoid shamelessly flaunting your private life – especially if wearing a T-shirt with “Darfur” on it These things stay on YouTube, as Rachel McAdams’ and Ryan Gosling’s subsequent sweethearts know only too well. 9 There’s only one thing worse than being talked about… Robbie Williams again, at the 2000 BRITs, did manage to take the story on, as journalists like to say, suggesting a bout with Oasis’ Liam Gallagher. Result – headlines for weeks. One often-overlooked point about this story – hardman Liam let it be known he was not interested in the fight, via his publicist, via a newspaper. 10 Keep it short When winning Best Supporting Actor for Goodfellas, Joe Pesci said: “It’s my privilege, thank you.” Pesci explained afterwards that it would be terrible to leave the stage with a piece of paper folded in your pocket which you hadn’t used. No excuse for that now. They’re banned.Find out about donating to The Caledonian Mercury
Related posts: