By Elizabeth McQuillan
The reasons most often given by parents who relocate with their family include better schooling, career moves, social improvement and divorce. Integral to being part of a more mobile society is the fact that we can embrace the opportunity to up sticks and sample life elsewhere.
As adults, this change can be daunting enough – but relocating with a family should be approached carefully, to ensure that children feel secure and can more easily adjust to their new situation.
Kuke Kilmurry travelled widely during her childhood, experiencing life in many different countries and at an array of schools.
“When I was growing up, it was just normal for myself and my family," Kilmurry says, "as father needed to relocate as his work required. Although it was hard having to go to new schools, you could rely on the various boarding schools being full of other kids who had parents that were either diplomats or in the oil industry.
Donate to us: support independent, intelligent, in-depth Scottish journalism from just 3p a day
“That actually gave a sense of belonging and inclusion, and everyone understood what it was like because they were in the same position themselves. The other children became a sort of extended family.” Kilmurry's own daughter, Megan, is herself enjoying a childhood rich in variety, having lived in Alabama and the south of England before coming to Scotland. Kilmurry feels it does no harm, provided care is taken over the selection of schools and the environment in which the child is placed. “Getting the right school is everything," she says. "I remember my parents getting it wrong once when we returned to the UK. Contrary to previous form, my parents put me in a girls-only school where I was a day pupil for the first time. It was an unmitigated disaster. I felt like a complete outsider, and had absolutely nothing in common with my peer group. That was a horrible experience. “With Megan, I have always carefully looked at potential schools and made sure that they suit her abilities and temperament, and she will feel like she belongs.” In this case, it is evident that every precaution has been taken to ensure the move is right for the child, and Kilmurry is herself experienced at relocating. In situations where the move is down to parental divorce or job-loss, however, families may have little choice, fewer resources and a reduced ability to help their kids adjust. If parents do get it wrong when relocating, what effect can this have on the child’s confidence and well-being? Research points to a number of problems associated with frequent moves. One study found that 23 per cent of children who moved frequently had to repeat a year, and this was linked with a higher incidence of behavioural problems. Another study found a significant relationship between moving frequently and early drug use. Educational psychologist Kairen Cullen knows that relocating can impact greatly on a child, but reckons parents can be slow to pick up on the cues. “Sometimes parents can lack sensitivity," Cullen says, "or perhaps be so preoccupied themselves with the challenges of a move, that they overlook the child's response which might indicate that all is not well. “This can take many forms, but generally a marked change in physical and or emotional well-being, social withdrawal, raised anxiety, clinginess or loss of interest in favourite activities suggests all is not well. If this happens, it signals the need for more support, time and reassurance. “Usually spending more time with their child, doing things together and talking and listening can help. If it does not, then professional support should be considered and a word with the child's teacher or even the family doctor might be a good idea.” Attending an unfamiliar school is one of the biggest hurdles for a child to overcome, whether abroad or a few miles along the road. Without any friends in situ, and the challenge of having to find their place within a new peer group, it can be an extremely stressful time for children at any age. Cullen believes that parents can help to make the transition smoother by understanding what the child is experiencing emotionally. “From the child's perspective a change of school, for whatever reason, represents a loss," says Cullen. "Be that a loss of the familiar, a loss of social connections, or a loss of the known. This is often accompanied with difficult or unwanted emotions, such as sadness, frustration and even anger. "The most important thing a parent can do is to acknowledge this loss but also highlight the gains and positive aspects of the change. The young person needs to have their feelings validated but also to develop some perspective. Adults can help them to have a balanced view because their own life experience has generally helped them to see changes as a mixture of loss and gain.” The parents themselves can shadow the needs of the child with their own aspirations when it comes to picking the most suitable school. Whether it is the school’s human scale or ethos, academic or social standing, parents tend to attribute value according to our own desires and expectations. This can be harmful if it means putting a child into a school where they are unlikely to thrive. “Parents have a responsibility and must look carefully at their own ambitions and reasons for selecting a particular school," says Tony Meehan, who has experience of public relations work for an independent school. "It is important to find one that has an environment that will suit the character of the individual and that its strengths fit the personality of the child, and this can only be achieved through visits and meetings with the staff. If a child is talented in a particular area, be it maths, art or drama, it is wise to select a school that has the facilities that allow that child to blossom.” A good introduction might be through hobbies and sports. Inclusion in the school rugby team or a place in the choir could help a child settle more quickly and feel included, so it is worth asking if this would be an option available to your child. There is no good age or year in which to move schools, Meehan says, but there is often a more natural time to do so within the school calendar – such as the start of junior school, the first year at senior school and for Higher and Advanced Higher examinations in fifth and sixth year. At any stage, talking openly and consulting on the choice of school are important. Being informed is incredibly important to children. Adults have a tendency to assume that kids won't understand the bigger picture and to exclude them from being involved in the process of making important decisions. Knowledge allows young children to comprehend how a move is going to change their everyday routine, and gives teenagers an opportunity to work out how to best fit into a life elsewhere. Talking through their fears, keeping them in the loop and allowing them to grieve for their loss can make relocating a positive growth experience, leading to increased self-confidence and improved interpersonal skills.Donate to us: support independent, intelligent, in-depth Scottish journalism from just 3p a day
Related posts: