Same old same old, as Old Firm FC take Scottish league title yet again

Scottish football was yesterday plunged into paroxysms of ecstasy and unconfined joy at the news that the same team had won the league for the 26th season in a row.

In beating one of the plucky lesser clubs by a large number of goals, Old Firm FC sealed the SPL title with a victory that sparked drunken celebrations over large swathes of west-central Scotland, mostly featuring overweight men in tight-fitting and unflattering blue-and-green replica football shirts. Numerous badly off-key songs were sung – not all wishing ill-will upon other sections of society or harking back to murky religious-military events from several centuries ago. Small children were seen to dance in the streets in a charming manner, houses were decked with bunting, police officers were said to be delighted at the upturn in their overtime payments, and several women’s groups rushed out congratulatory press releases. NHS 24 and A&E staff, meanwhile, were reported to be overjoyed at the opportunity to further hone their skills in the aftermath of another OFFC victory. For the record, OFFC racked up an impressive 185 points, scoring 173 goals in the process and conceding only 51. For Heart of Midlothian FC – beaten into second place with 63 points – 2010/11 was, in the end, another season of frustration and disappointment, a case of so near and yet so far. It was the 96th league title to go to OFFC. Their status as Scotland’s leading club seems secure for now at least, although their closest rivals – Hearts, Hibernian and Aberdeen – already each have four titles and need to be watched. “To be fair, the title was never really in doubt since the middle of September,” said the retiring OFFC manager after the victory, “but none of the other teams can be taken for granted so we had to keep doing what we do best – putting pressure on the referees week-on-week and signing any rival players who look even half useful. The boys done great, but it’s only a start, and the hope has to be that this will mark the beginning of a period of domination of the domestic game.” OFFC now have the chance of a domestic treble, having already won the government-sponsored Scottish Communities League Cup, and with only Motherwell standing between them and the Scottish Cup at Hampden next weekend. It will be a remarkable and rare triumph if they can achieve this, with further widespread celebrations expected. Concerns have, however, been raised by various minority and fringe groups that other teams should be given a chance to win some domestic silverware once or possibly twice a decade. The Caledonian Mercury can exclusively reveal that the game’s ruling body is being urged to consider a radical ten-point plan: 1 – Old Firm FC to leave the SPL and be welcomed into the third tier of English football. 2 – OFFC to stay in the SPL but be joined by various leading English teams – those rumoured to have been approached include Crewe Alexandra, Torquay United and Stockport County. 3 – OFFC to start every match with just nine players – or, alternatively, opponents to start with 15. 4 – Opponents to be awarded two goals of a start in all home games, three goals if playing at the OFFC’s Ibrohead stadium. 5 – Referees and assistants instructed to favour opponents of OFFC when adjudging penalties, offsides, sendings-off etc – in contrast to the unbiased “level-playing-field” situation which has prevailed for the past century or more. 6 – The first seven minutes of any OFFC game will henceforth not be played. 7 – A government working party to be convened under the remit “Give other teams a kick of the ball”. 8 – Another government working party to be convened under the remit “Kick tedium out of football”. 9 – The top six / bottom six late-season SPL split to be retained, but with OFFC automatically placed in the lower half, regardless of league position at that point. 10 – An increase in the amount of football coverage on BBC Radio Scotland, given the clear deficiency over recent years. As for the 2011/12 season, this is only three months away. Some bookmakers are said to have already paid out on OFFC’s retention of their title.

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