From Arnie to Zip: alphabet spaghetti on the Cannes Croisette

For those who missed all the coverage from the world’s most famous film festival, here’s an alphabetical string of highlights.

A is for Arnie. The Governator wasn’t at the festival, but ten days ago he had let it be known that his agents were accepting film work for him. By the end of the festival, after other events emerged, the latest Schwarzenegger projects, including his cartoon, were all on hold. B is for Bob – what judges including Jude Law and Uma Thurman call the president of the Cannes Jury. He’s better known to most as Robert de Niro. C is for Carla Bruni-Sarkozy cameo. The French First Lady was given a few lines in Woody Allen’s latest film, Midnight in Paris. D is for Drive, the noirish-looking new flick starring Ryan Gosling and Carey Mulligan, about “a man who drives around Los Angeles at night listening to pop music” which has attracted comparisons to David Lynch’s Mulholland Drive and Pulp Fiction. Gosling was so relaxed about the film’s success he attended the premiere in his pyjamas. E is for Emily Browning, the Aussie actress whose performance in the Jane Campion-produced Sleeping Beauty is enjoying rave reviews, unlike the film itself.

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F is for Jane Fonda who, at 73, displayed on the Croisette’s red carpet the fruits of all those exercise videos. G is for Glasgow’s Lynne Ramsay, who is the Blue Nile of film-making. Her adaptation of Lionel Shriver’s high school massacre novel We Need to Talk About Kevin with Tilda Swinton has created major buzz after her attempt to film Alice Sebold’s The Lovely Bones ran aground. This is her first movie since 2002’s Morvern Callar. H is for Heathcliff & Cathy, Red Road director Andrea Arnold’s take on Emily Brontë's Wuthering Heights, with a cast predominantly of unknowns (Skins alumna Kaya Scodelario is the big name) screened at Cannes. I is for Indian cinema. The Bollywood party is often regarded as the best on the Croisette, and this year was no different. J and K are for Jetsetting Koreans – Kang-Je-gyu and the cast of his war epic My Way, who flew in from the set in Latvia for the film’s party before their 6:30am return flight. K is also for The Kid with the Bike, the French film which shared the Grand Prix with… L is for Lars von Trier and M is for his latest Melancholia, starring Kirsten Dunst (the Best Actress winner) and Charlotte Gainsbourg. Unfortunately N is for Nazi, and the press conference that got the Danish director kicked out the festival and overshadowed all promotion of his film. Von Trier said “I am a Nazi” and that he “understands Hitler.” He also said his next project could be a four-hour long explicit “adult” movie – and with the film community’s current attitude to him, it could well be. O is for Kati Outinen, the 2002 Cannes Best Actress victor of Finnish director Aki Kaurismaki’s The Man Without a Past who is winning raves for his latest, Le Havre. It’s also for Once Upon A Time In Anatolia, the other Grand Prix winner, from Turkey. P is for Poliss, the French police drama which won the jury prize, and for Psychopaths. Seven Psychopaths (not in competition) is the latest reteaming of Colin Farrell and Martin McDonagh, after In Bruges. The cast includes Christopher Walken, Mickey Rourke and Sam Rockwell. Q is for Qatar, the setting for Black Gold from Jean-Jacques Annaud (In the Name of the Rose), starring Antonio Banderas and Freida Pinto. R is for Reunion. Antonio Banderas is back working with Pedro Almodovar, after their collaboration in the 80s, with the magnificently creepy-looking The Skin I Live In. Helpful background knowledge – the Spanish for reunion is “la reunion”. S equals Sean Penn does comedy. This Must Be The Place sees him play an ageing rocker (closest resemblance: The Cure’s Robert Smith). T stands for Palme d’Or winner The Tree of Life – more Sean Penn in a smaller role alongside Brad Pitt in only the fifth film from Terrence Malick since 1973. In terms of churning ‘em out, Malick makes Lynne Ramsay look like Woody Allen. U is Un Certain Regard, the classiest award name since the Smash Hits magazine readers' vote for Most Completely Useless Thing (Spiders edged out Margaret Thatcher, from memory). Winners for the second most important prize behind the Palme d’Or can be read here. V is for Very Unlikely Showbiz Pairing, with the W being Kanye West, who partied on Boris Becker’s yacht. X is for X Factor. Just when you thought France was the place to avoid unrelenting updates on Simon Cowell’s US and UK shows, Cheryl Cole tipped up at various parties to plug L’Oréal products. Which gives a new twist on the whole “Not tonight, I’m washing my hair” excuse. Y is for Your name’s not down, you’re not coming in, as the second Mr Jordan, Alex Reid, attempted to get into some parties. Z is for Andrey Zvyagintsev, whose Elena won an award in the Un Certain Regard category. Z is also for Zero. And Zip. What Mel Gibson said in the press conference for his big comeback, The Beaver, which he bodyswerved. Perhaps for the best.

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