By Stewart Weir
Saturday
Stop the world. Wayne Rooney has confessed to being bald. Or, rather, informed us that he will soon not be.
For the England striker Tweeted the world to tell of a hair transplant, joining the likes Graham Gooch, Shane Warne and Jimmy White in covering up their baldness – although none of that trio have ever been paid to stick their head in the way of a size 5 Mitre (other balls are available). That will be the real tester, not whether there is scope for a fringe or even a ponytail.
Because Wayne has gone to such lengths, so the media follow suit, BBC Radio 4 dedicating airtime to the question of whether you should go natural or cover up, and the Daily Mail digging up their own take.
![darniche]( "darniche")
My personal favourite was French rally driver Bernard Darniche. A winner of the famous Monte Carlo Rally, he was known for tucking his chrome dome under a helmet – until, after a lucrative sponsorship deal with a leading toupée manufacturer, he sported a rather tastefully done cover-up job which was virtually impossible to detect, as you can see from exhibit A.
As Eric Morecambe once said: “You can’t even see the join.”
Sunday
There is a rule in motor racing that anything goes, but just don’t take your team-mate off. Unfortunately, that wasn’t adhered to on Sunday at Oulton Park in the latest rounds from the British Touring Car Championship.
Race 2 saw Matt Neal and Gordon Shedden do battle for the lead, and what would have been a race win, only for this to happen.
As Dick Emery once said: “I got it wrong again, Dad…”
Monday
A few years ago, it was a compliment and an honour to be described as "the Tiger Woods" of another sport. Genius, achievement, sportsmanship all rolled in to one. You don’t hear it at all now in sport.
Unless your name is Ryan Giggs…
Tuesday
I don’t mind being asked for a plug, or a namecheck. So when a press release comes out making such a request, I’ll do my best.
So, to Snookered magazine, who distributed said press release on behalf of ISM (International Sports Management), here’s your bit of recognition.
The press release was to do with ISM signing some snooker players, amongst them Ronnie O’Sullivan, who was quoted as saying: “To join a global company with an array of stars such as Ernie Els, Lee Westwood, Rory McIlroy is giving me the opportunity of global exposure and also that of our great game.”
Ronnie always talks like that. Except when he Tweets.
Then he sounds more like: “To clear up any doubt – the ISM website states that I have signed with them This is not true. I have signed with Grove Leisure exclusively.”
Someone, somewhere, appears to have got their communications mixed up, or communicated a miscommunication, or wrongly communicated a miscommunication. The truth is in there, and out there, somewhere.
Maybe just a classic example of a verbal agreement not being worth the paper it was written on…
Wednesday
I don’t know where they came from. But football club mascots have been all the rage of ages, doing everything from annoying opposition players to turning up for charitable causes – and, best of all, fighting amongst themselves.
This week, there was the sad tale (or should it be tail?) of Tracy Chandler, 40 (I assume that’s her age and not one of her vital statistics, although you can decide) who was sacked by Doncaster Rovers from her unpaid role as Donny Dog, after posing for some charitable photographs.
There are many ways to write up such a tale (or tail), so judge what version you prefer: this, or this.
Either way, in sitting for these pics, Chandler broke the club’s disciplinary rules – but did get a diploma for obedience.
"I have put blood, sweat and tears into being Donny Dog,” she said.
One can only hope that the costume is good for at least one machine wash, then.
However, by the end of the week, common sense had prevailed, and Tracy was reinstated.
So a happy end to this tail – and without a single mention of puppies…
Thursday
A bit like the appearance of colourful blooms and swallows, you know when summer has arrived in the football world when certain words start appearing with greater regularity on the sports pages.
There is the usual plethora of "swoops", a few "trails", the odd "monitor", but the "stalking" has become a rare species since that word took on a more menacing meaning. And, for those in distress, "pleads" accompanied by the urgent call of "come and get me".
One of those who probably fits all of the above is Aston Villa defender Carlos Cuéllar, who is being tracked (another summer phrase) by his former employers Rangers.
Cuéllar moved from Ibrox after one season in 2008, as the Scottish Football Writers' player of the year. The then Gers boss Walter Smith was disappointed, but Rangers stashed £7.8 million from the deal which took Cuéllar south to follow in the footsteps of Jean-Alain Boumsong. Which says everything.
But what did Carlos say at the time?
"My ambition has always been to play for my national team and I believe that playing in the biggest league in the world for Aston Villa will help me realise that,” before adding: “it would be nice to win a trophy with Aston Villa here in England. We have a very good team and could get some trophies.
"The UEFA Cup run with Rangers last season was a fantastic experience, even though we lost the final. It was an amazing experience and playing in a European final was a great moment in my career.
"Maybe I could do even better at Villa this season.”
Spain won the World Cup, without Cuéllar. And Aston Villa appeared in how many finals? So, perhaps not the success you predicted then, Carlos.
Still, he wasn’t completely silly. "The Rangers supporters have been fantastic but I am young and want to play at the highest level and I hope they will always welcome me back.”
Only time will tell.
Friday
No sooner have Celtic launched one away kit than they launch another. For the confused, the wasp-like number released the other week (that’s wasp as in the insect as opposed to any American acronym) is, according to the club’s own online shop, Celtic’s international away strip, while the most recent number is their new away kit for domestic use.
If you haven’t seen the alleged garment, it has green pinstripe bands to complement the traditional Hoops, this time in white and (according to the marketing blurb) silver. The Celtic family will be hoping however that it’s not a pretext to headlines reading “Fade To Grey”.
The new tops, and presumably shorts and socks, may be on show in Australia during the club’s pre-season trip.
But surely Australia is "international" – except when described as an island just off Arran…
– Tweet Stewart Weir with thoughts and comments, @sweirz
My personal favourite was French rally driver Bernard Darniche. A winner of the famous Monte Carlo Rally, he was known for tucking his chrome dome under a helmet – until, after a lucrative sponsorship deal with a leading toupée manufacturer, he sported a rather tastefully done cover-up job which was virtually impossible to detect, as you can see from exhibit A.
As Eric Morecambe once said: “You can’t even see the join.”
Sunday
There is a rule in motor racing that anything goes, but just don’t take your team-mate off. Unfortunately, that wasn’t adhered to on Sunday at Oulton Park in the latest rounds from the British Touring Car Championship.
Race 2 saw Matt Neal and Gordon Shedden do battle for the lead, and what would have been a race win, only for this to happen.
As Dick Emery once said: “I got it wrong again, Dad…”
Monday
A few years ago, it was a compliment and an honour to be described as "the Tiger Woods" of another sport. Genius, achievement, sportsmanship all rolled in to one. You don’t hear it at all now in sport.
Unless your name is Ryan Giggs…
Tuesday
I don’t mind being asked for a plug, or a namecheck. So when a press release comes out making such a request, I’ll do my best.
So, to Snookered magazine, who distributed said press release on behalf of ISM (International Sports Management), here’s your bit of recognition.
The press release was to do with ISM signing some snooker players, amongst them Ronnie O’Sullivan, who was quoted as saying: “To join a global company with an array of stars such as Ernie Els, Lee Westwood, Rory McIlroy is giving me the opportunity of global exposure and also that of our great game.”
Ronnie always talks like that. Except when he Tweets.
Then he sounds more like: “To clear up any doubt – the ISM website states that I have signed with them This is not true. I have signed with Grove Leisure exclusively.”
Someone, somewhere, appears to have got their communications mixed up, or communicated a miscommunication, or wrongly communicated a miscommunication. The truth is in there, and out there, somewhere.
Maybe just a classic example of a verbal agreement not being worth the paper it was written on…
Wednesday
I don’t know where they came from. But football club mascots have been all the rage of ages, doing everything from annoying opposition players to turning up for charitable causes – and, best of all, fighting amongst themselves.
This week, there was the sad tale (or should it be tail?) of Tracy Chandler, 40 (I assume that’s her age and not one of her vital statistics, although you can decide) who was sacked by Doncaster Rovers from her unpaid role as Donny Dog, after posing for some charitable photographs.
There are many ways to write up such a tale (or tail), so judge what version you prefer: this, or this.
Either way, in sitting for these pics, Chandler broke the club’s disciplinary rules – but did get a diploma for obedience.
"I have put blood, sweat and tears into being Donny Dog,” she said.
One can only hope that the costume is good for at least one machine wash, then.
However, by the end of the week, common sense had prevailed, and Tracy was reinstated.
So a happy end to this tail – and without a single mention of puppies…
Thursday
A bit like the appearance of colourful blooms and swallows, you know when summer has arrived in the football world when certain words start appearing with greater regularity on the sports pages.
There is the usual plethora of "swoops", a few "trails", the odd "monitor", but the "stalking" has become a rare species since that word took on a more menacing meaning. And, for those in distress, "pleads" accompanied by the urgent call of "come and get me".
One of those who probably fits all of the above is Aston Villa defender Carlos Cuéllar, who is being tracked (another summer phrase) by his former employers Rangers.
Cuéllar moved from Ibrox after one season in 2008, as the Scottish Football Writers' player of the year. The then Gers boss Walter Smith was disappointed, but Rangers stashed £7.8 million from the deal which took Cuéllar south to follow in the footsteps of Jean-Alain Boumsong. Which says everything.
But what did Carlos say at the time?
"My ambition has always been to play for my national team and I believe that playing in the biggest league in the world for Aston Villa will help me realise that,” before adding: “it would be nice to win a trophy with Aston Villa here in England. We have a very good team and could get some trophies.
"The UEFA Cup run with Rangers last season was a fantastic experience, even though we lost the final. It was an amazing experience and playing in a European final was a great moment in my career.
"Maybe I could do even better at Villa this season.”
Spain won the World Cup, without Cuéllar. And Aston Villa appeared in how many finals? So, perhaps not the success you predicted then, Carlos.
Still, he wasn’t completely silly. "The Rangers supporters have been fantastic but I am young and want to play at the highest level and I hope they will always welcome me back.”
Only time will tell.
Friday
No sooner have Celtic launched one away kit than they launch another. For the confused, the wasp-like number released the other week (that’s wasp as in the insect as opposed to any American acronym) is, according to the club’s own online shop, Celtic’s international away strip, while the most recent number is their new away kit for domestic use.
If you haven’t seen the alleged garment, it has green pinstripe bands to complement the traditional Hoops, this time in white and (according to the marketing blurb) silver. The Celtic family will be hoping however that it’s not a pretext to headlines reading “Fade To Grey”.
The new tops, and presumably shorts and socks, may be on show in Australia during the club’s pre-season trip.
But surely Australia is "international" – except when described as an island just off Arran…
– Tweet Stewart Weir with thoughts and comments, @sweirz
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