By Stuart Crawford
Why no riots in Scottish cities (yet)? I tweeted the question a couple of days ago and only got one reply, which shows that nobody is really interested or – more likely – nobody reads the tweets of a nobody.
Whatever the reason, my sole respondent suggested that – and I paraphrase here – it might possibly be because we have a more cohesive, homogeneous society built around our two main political parties, both of which tend to portray themselves as left of centre. Accordingly, there is little of the friction, politically speaking, between right and left, representing haves and have-nots, that there is south of the border.
Well, there may be a point there, but I rather suspect that the SNP has, with its latter-day widespread support from all sectors of Scots society, moved somewhat to straddle the centre of Scottish politics. A bit like New Labour did under Tony Blair, although I’m sure I won’t be thanked for suggesting it.
In the Venn diagram of Scottish politics, the right wing of the SNP now clearly overlaps with the left wing of the Scottish Tories – what remains of them, anyway.
Or, as my SNP activist friend put it at the beginning of the year: “If you put Jim Mather and Murdo Fraser in the same room it would take them quite a while to find something to disagree about.” I liked that one.
However, I don’t think it can only be our different political landscape which can explain the fact that, to date, hordes of disaffected youth and ne’er-do-wells have failed to cause mayhem in Scottish cities. There must be other reasons. What are they?
The first reason to spring to mind as to why we haven’t seen torrents of young Scots running through the streets is because most of them are only just about fit enough to run as far as the nearest fish'n'chip shop, and then only if it’s raining. By the time they had run up and down, say, Sauchiehall Street, they would be too knackered to break into a bag of crisps, let alone into the local branch of BHS. And, if they did, the polis would hardly have to break into a trot to nab them.
The next reason is that, over the years, we have done to riots what the Japanese did to the transistor. We’ve miniaturised them. The Scots don’t do riots any more, nothing like the on scale of the George Square riots in 1919, with tanks on the streets and machine guns on the rooftops. No, like all species, we have evolved and specialised. We don’t riot any more. We “rammy”.
Now, the rammy can mean many things (and I risk treading in Betty Kirkpatrick territory here), from the traditional “stairheid rammy” of yore, when neighbours in tenement closes knocked bells out of each other over the landing, to rammies in pubs – usually, but not exclusively, on Old Firm match days.
Then there is the very epitome of the Scottish domestic disturbance, the wedding rammy, where the groom traditionally batters the bride’s faither and Strathclyde’s (or Lothian’s, or Tayside's, etc) finest take care of the wedding party and guests for the rest of the night. Even the infamous Scottish Cup Final riot in 1980 was actually no more than a large-scale rammy with a few police horses thrown in for good measure.
Another reason why our city centres aren’t currently being trashed by assorted misfits is because most of the buildings have been destroyed already. A combination of poverty, neglect, wanton low-level vandalism and council architectural indifference has transformed Scotland’s once proud Victorian civic centres into post-apocalyptic wastelands where there is precious little left to destroy. And not just the ones in poorer areas, either. Take a look at Princes Street in oor ain capital city and you’ll see what I mean. A mélange of ugly modern buildings full of tartan tat.
But the major reason we haven’t seen shameful scenes in Bonnie Scotland is, I’m afraid, because the Scottish youth of today just cannae be bothered. It’s too much trouble. Why go to all that effort of getting out of bed before midnight and having to put on proper outside clothes – and maybe having to buy a balaclava, or get your gran to knit one – when you can slob at home in trackies all night watching TV, smoking fags and drinking Buckie? No contest, Big Man!
So I suppose we shouldn’t be too surprised at the lack of riotous behaviour up here, for now anyway – although the fact that half of London seems to be in Edinburgh at the moment may have some bearing. Or maybe the natives are busy preparing for Hogmanay, or even the next Old Firm game?
Only time will tell when the next big rammy will happen north of the border, with indignant red faces, strong words and finger-pointing, minor scuffles and fallings-out in public, all dutifully reported by the Scottish media.
Mind you, parliament reconvenes at Holyrood on 5 September…
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