By Stewart Weir
Saturday
The first Old Firm game is near. Side-step those eggshells, lips sealed, low profile, best behaviour now and all that, because the world is watching – or at least our police and politicians are. The wham.
The Daily Record splash their back page with a mock-up of Neil Lennon and the HM Revenue & Custom’s cartoon taxman, asking who would be the most hated at Ibrox tomorrow.
Hate is an emotive word, albeit a word used repeatedly throughout society when describing everything from a mild dislike of peas to a loathing of getting up for school in the morning.
And there were plenty of ways the Daily Record could have worded their headline and so steered clear of those looking for an excuse to cry wolf, when actually the reality of making the comparison could have you crying laughing.
A mistake, a wrong call, a misjudgement was made at the Record, from lowly sub-editor upwards, that meant the line was printed. And in time, it was an error they would apologise for.
Keith Jackson, who wrote the story beneath the headline, was pilloried in some quarters, not for writing the headline, but for making an innocuous reference to what was little more than a great many were thinking, and chuckling about.
When a Roman Catholic, and someone who would be considered a society pillar, sends you a text message saying the HMRC had taken over Rangers and renamed Ibrox the "Inland Revenue Arena" – so that Gers fans, when asked where they were going, would reply "Up the IRA" – do you (a) fall out with them, (b) report them or (c) see the funny side, even if the said organisation ranks considerably higher than peas on the distain-ometer.
The irony is that the Record and countless other newspapers will have printed must worse, and dismissed any such calls for a public "sorry".
I mean, Neil Lennon himself said a few months ago that "It’s called humour” and that we should get over it. Or is humour selective?
Sunday
Helicopters, horses, polis by the division, vans by the score. And a new yellow-jacket brigade, with clipboards, are seen in and around Ibrox for the first Old Firm clash of the season.
Representatives of the Procurator Fiscal are in tow with the anti-sectarian cops, on hand to advise if not to judge on what a punter could or should be charged with if found singing or shouting something that could be deemed sectarian.
There were quite a few such punters floating about, certainly more than four – that being the number of fans out of a crowd of 50,000 arrested on charges of sectarianism in and around Ibrox on Sunday.
Justified presence, or paranoid overkill?
Of course, with sectarianism levels negligible, we were quickly told that domestic abuse levels were up at the weekend. All because of an Old Firm game?
I am not making light of the threat and dangers of what is a cowardly, hideous crime as domestic violence.
But what next are the Old Firm going to be made feel responsible for? Poor dietary habits in the west of Scotland because they eat from chip and burger vans? Increased carbon monoxide levels from supporters' buses?
At times, if not laugh, you do need to smile.
Rangers take the spoils, the honours and the plaudits – but, more importantly, the points from the first derby clash of the year against Celtic.
The Old Firm game is built up as the greatest rivalry in the world. I think there are others. I mean, if what went on between Dinamo Zagreb and Red Star Belgrade 20 years ago could be seen to spark a war on independence, then you have to think Glasgow’s finest are maybe second division.
But that doesn’t mean to say people from afar aren’t interested.
Wayne Rooney, just hours before he fell on his arse at Old Trafford, tweeted “Gonna watch 1st half of Celtic Rangers. Come on the hoops.”
This upset some Gers fans, but later the "Come on the hoops" line was found to be nothing to do with Celtic, but an instruction to Coleen to bring him his favourite spaghetti …
Monday
The Daily Record headline and the 4–2 pasting the previous day have some Celtic fans incandescent with rage. And their fury spills over when the Record issues its apology.
This is not seen as a sorry note, more a confirmation that the Record had some underlying agenda against Celtic.
Rather than call the paper's switchboard, these days punters get online, or show their prowess with social media circles, with Twitter now used as the best platform on which to vent one's frustrations.
Countless of the Parkhead faithful exercised their thumbs and tweeted their feelings, many in the direction of the Record’s electronic editors, bombarding @dailyrecord with their bile and less-than-complimentary comments.
All of which will have come as a terrible shock to those @dailyrecord, which from their Twitter profile suggests “Covering Morris County, N.J. Breaking news, blog updates, traffic and more.”
Some unsuspecting journalist would have been deluged with abuse, probably sitting there wondering just how bad the traffic must have been for someone 3,000 miles away to call him a "dirty orange bastard".
For those planning similar tirades, send your thoughts to @daily_record. Morris County folks ain’t interested …
Dorin Gioan, the Romanian defender who – unlike compatriot Daniel Prodan – appears to be able to play, is trending on Twitter with his #GoianFacts. A harmless bit of fun (for the most part), where many showed just how unfunny Jeremy Clarkson’s "Some say" Stig introductions are.
My favourite Goian Fact was the he sleeps with the light on, not because he’s afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of him.
Later in the week, Goian found out that kids, especially Scots Bairns, ain’t so scared of the Romanian.
Tuesday
Scottish sports minister Shona Robison steps in to a row where officials at the Rugby World Cup in New Zealand have reportedly outlawed bagpipes from stadiums.
As we know, Scottish sportsmen have been unable to perform at the highest level when unable to hear our famous national (if stolen from Arabia) instrument.
David Wilkie had piped music plumbed into the Olympic swimming pool in 1976, Stephen Hendry had the band of the Scots Guards in his dressing room at the Crucible, while the late Colin McRae had Subaru engineers make the turbo on his car sound like the strains of reed and bladder.
So it was vital this matter received priority treatment, with a letter of complaint sent to John Key, the prime minister of New Zealand, by Scotland fan and piper Matthew Strachan, 32, a GP from Aboyne, Aberdeenshire.
"After spending considerable money getting to New Zealand to support my country, I was shocked to hear bagpipes were not allowed in the stadiums," Strachan wrote.
"I've played the pipes in most of the UK stadiums and also in France during the last World Cup and they have always been gratefully received.”
Not sure whether market research would substantiate that claim. But he felt a victim of the tournament organisers who have banned several items from stadiums, including umbrellas, vuvuzelas, gang insignia, and flagpoles longer than 80 centimetres (31 inches).
They have also banned, somewhat strangely, "car parts". But rightly so.
I well recall one night with Scotland in Paris almost losing an eye when someone was trying to get a tune out of an Austin Allegro exhaust system …
Wednesday
My interest in the League Cup, or the Scottish Communities League Cup to give it its full name, reaches fever pitch – to the extent that I attend the Pavilion Theatre to see Singin’ I’m No A Billy He’s A Tim. Very, very funny, but only for those who have an equal sense of humour and irony.
On the football pitch, Rangers appear hungover as they lose to Falkirk, thanks – in ice hockey parlance – to an assist by Neil Alexander. Hearts also go out, following Aberdeen’s demise the previous evening when they lose on penalties to East Fife.
Aberdeen fans are furious at losing this vitally crucial game. Will that be why just 3,964 turned up at Pittodrie to watch it?
Maybe those lack of fans highlight the apathy for this tournament these days. Those on European duty get a bye to the later rounds, the bigger clubs use fringe players rather than their big guns – and, for smaller clubs, it must often cost them more in electricity than they take in gate money.
I mean, can anyone tell me the last winners of the tournament from outside Glasgow? For years, it has been devalued, not even carrying a European place for the winners.
But that detail is minor and lost on Dons fans still shouting for a change of manager at Pittodrie. And they should be listened to, for they haven’t done that in the past, much.
At some point in time, some Aberdeen fans will realise what a complete freak of circumstances brought Alex Ferguson to the club, and that the chances of that happening are less than once in a lifetime, probably more like once in several generations given where Scottish football especially finds itself.
And listen up. There is every chance Manchester United might find life difficult post-Fergie. It would be interesting to hear them, then.
Dons fans have moaned and complained about managers ever since Ferguson left for England. Craig Brown is the latest under fire. But he’s going nowhere soon, even if there are calls for a return from Jimmy Calderwood – you know, they guy hundreds of Dons supporters wanted to see the back of a few years ago.
And I always wonder just how many of those fans sounded off, booed and jeered the man who, having collected League and Scottish Cups, was just a clean sheet away from taking Aberdeen to the championship – one Alex Smith.
Where is he now? Oh that’s right, coaching at Falkirk …
Thursday
Rugby World Cup matches are like buses. Nothing, then one at a time, then a bundle come at once. Today we’re limited to just one again: South Africa the holders against Namibia, near neighbours in the truest terms.
I for one don’t buy the idea that Namibia only gained independence so those not good enough to play for the Springboks could play international rugby somewhere else …
Friday
For me the story of the week had to be news of two eight-year olds filmed in a cage-fighting contest.
This had everything, from the scantily clad ring girl to a moronic audience – who had bought tickets at Greenlands Labour Club in Preston – cheering and whooping every hold, punch and kick. Absolutely sickening.
While I admire those who participate in combat sports, and have covered everything from world championship boxing and karate to championship judo and wrestling, I cannot watch cage or ultimate fighting. While it has a place in the sporting world, I find it barbaric.
Ironically, Sky Sports this week showed scenes from the tribute dinner held on behalf of Michael Watson, a superb young fighter who nearly died in a boxing ring, when medical facilities were badly lacking in such contests.
Watson, a supremely fit fighter, almost paid the ultimate price for chasing his dream, but knew all the risks involved with his sport.
But here we have willing parents pitching their kids into an environment from which they might not walk out again. This was never entertainment. This was exploitation of the highest order.
– Tweet Stewart Weir with thoughts and comments, @sweirz
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