By Stewart Weir
Saturday
This last day of 2011 is particularly enjoyable given the success of my sporting awards, or the Weirdos, as they are famously known. Well received they were, with plans to have a sponsor in place for next December, an awards dinner in 2013, and the event televised in 2014.
Those are the plans, and I’m bringing Craig Whyte and Vladimir Romanov in to the organising committee. So it should happen…
I could reflect on 2011, but let’s keep it current. The last Saturday of the year, the last lot of football with shocks galore in the English Premier League.
Manchester United lose to Blackburn Rovers and Steve Kean immediately offers his support to Sir Alex Ferguson. He’ll need a crutch as well by the middle of the week.
Strangest happening for me was in the game between Stoke City and Wigan Athletic.
Special teams are part of American Football. But Wigan boss Roberto Martínez had his own take on things when his side were awarded a late penalty after Ryan Shotton dragged down Hugo Rodallega.
Martínez immediately made a substitution, sending on Ben Watson to convert the penalty with his first touch of the ball.
OK, it might not have happened in the first ten minutes. But the importance of a goal and a point brought about Martínez’s bold decision.
But how do you break that news to your player?
“Right Ben, you’re on. Eh, and just take the penalty while you’re at it…”
Sunday
Happy New Year one and all. It has arrived, Olympic year, 2012. Hasn’t time flown since Tony Blair, Seb Coe, David Beckham, the cast of Coronation Street, Bruce Forsyth, Shep the Blue Peter dog, Lord Lucan and the rest of the bid team celebrated the awarding of the Games to London?
As I’ve said before, I really feel part of the London Games – to such an extent that I will definitely go to the Post Office and buy some commemorative stamps.
It is also my intention to take past in the Olympics this year, although I have yet to decide which sport – or sports – to compete in.
My gymnastics training is going well, and I’ve perfected the run-up and landing for the floor exercise. The bits in between are proving difficult, but I put that down to how the Christmas tree is positioned in the lounge.
Similarly, I’ve mastered chalking the hands, a discipline to be practiced for both gymnastics and weightlifting. So I’ll keep you abreast of my progress. Now, for a glass of gin and low-cal tonic. See, even the diet has changed …
Monday
I am somewhat disturbed to find out that the efforts I went to in procuring tickets for what may be my chosen Olympic sport, namely synchronised swimming, could be in vain after London 2012 organisers discovered that they had sold 10,000 too many.
Please tell me I’m not sitting with four and a half thousand worthless tickets?
On the bright side, however, I could have an early contender for the 2012 Weirdos "Piss-up In A Brewery Award" and the "It’s These Computers Award".
Synchronised swimming was an event which was not initially oversubscribed. But when they went back on sale thousands of extra tickets, which did not exist, were made available, a blunder put down to "human data error".
I recall the same thing happening one year at Hamilton (Old) Baths gala.
However, the good news is that people will be offered replacement tickets for other sports. So, you could miss the synchronised swimming but see Usain Bolt in the 100m final.
And the chances of that happening are about as remote as me coming second to Usain in that race. Still, I’ve got a 4,500 to 1 chance of that happening …
Tuesday
Liverpool state they won’t be appealing Luis Suárez’s eight-match ban for racism towards Manchester United defender Patrice Evra.
So they accept he’s guilty, but Liverpool remain supportive of the player and obviously believe Suárez’s side of the story.
Liverpool’s stance is utterly confusing, from the parade of T-shirts through to now appealing an "innocent" man’s claims for justice. It isn’t exactly black or white.
I could say Liverpool’s take isn’t exactly black and white. But I’d hate to find myself guilty of using a pun …
Wednesday
Manchester United getting gubbed by Newcastle United made the headlines, but as big a talking point was Tim Howard’s goal for Everton versus Bolton.
For those who don’t know, Howard is a goalkeeper, who scored from inside his own area, the fourth keeper to do so in the English Premier League.
I can remember Pat Jennings doing it, and Andy Goram – while Dundee United keeper Hamish McAlpine took the odd penalty and Paraguayan José Chilarvert was so adept that he was a free-kick specialist.
So Howard is in good company. So is the unfortunate Adam Bogdan, namely in having one of his own score against him. And hence why Howard was so understated in acknowledging the goal.
Thursday
In Test terms over the past few years, Australia has misfired. So too India, given their woeful performance as the world’s no.1 Test nation last summer against England.
However, with the players that they have at their disposal, you will get it right eventually, and someone will suffer. Today it was Australia who prospered and the Indians, already 1–0 down in the series, who ran around the field all day.
The Aussies amassed 659 for 4 declared, Ricky Ponting and Mike Hussey both making tons, but skipper Michael Clarke making an imperious 329 not out.
That was the highest score by an Australian captain, the highest at the Sydney Cricket Ground, the biggest individual score against India, making him the sixth Australian triple-centurion in Test cricket, with the fourth highest score behind Matthew Hayden, Mark Taylor and Sir Donald Bradman.
"Pup" Clarke would have surely bettered Taylor and Bradman’s mark of 334 – but, as he said, “I’m happy but we’ve got a Test match to win”.
Which the Aussies did, by an innings and 68 runs, rounding off a magnificent Test for Clarke.
And – dare I say it again? – a possible contender for one of the Weirdos in 12 months' time. No, not Clarke, but Slazenger, his bat supplier since Clarke was aged just 12, and who recently decided not to renew their contract with him.
"Sponsorship Cock-Up of the Year", anyone?
Friday
The disappointment some people suffered in not getting a mention in the Weirdos means they are trying desperately to make the running in 2012 – among them Hearts owner Vladimir Romanov, who is already ahead in the Circus of the Year, Clown of the Year and the Rudyard Kipling Exceedingly Good Fruitcake of the Year categories after this latest rant.
Normally, if someone doesn’t want to speak to the press, I wouldn’t give any of their statements an inch of space. But Mr Romanov really should be laughed at more than pitied.
Anyway, it's a big weekend in the Scottish Cup with Hearts facing Ayrshire junior side Auchinleck Talbot.
They have the usual mish-mash of painters, car boot salesmen, students, male strippers and the likes, unearthed by the press on such occasions to add that big of magic and colour to the Cup.
And I’m sure Auchinleck will have similarly colourful characters in their ranks …
– Tweet Stewart Weir with thoughts and comments, @sweirz
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