By Elizabeth McQuillan
Described by psychologists as the "crack cocaine" of sex addiction, netsex or cybersex is a growing problem, rising as a destructive force within the lives of many very average people.
Not sordid sex pests, or spotty youths exploring their sexuality – these are individuals caught up in a virtual world of anonymous sex and immediate gratification.
According to the Marylebone Centre, the anonymity, availability, specificity and variety of online sex delivers a heady cocktail of triggers that the addict struggles to resist:
"All of this makes it is very easy for someone to get lost in an infinite search for the ultimate hit. While the addict is involved in this process of acting out (or any process of acting out, but this one is a particularly powerful format) the addict is caught up in intense feelings of merger – almost a trance like state. It is as though other feelings close down and the only experience is one of a tunnel of pleasurable oblivion."
The act of netsex involves the communication between two or more people, via the internet, using sexually stimulating online communication such as fantasy telling, describing sexual acts done to each other or voyeuristic actions. This can be via text or visual means.
Dr Alvin Cooper, director of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre and a staff psychologist at Stanford University, conducted a survey of online sexual activity for cable news channel MSNBC in 2000. Nearly one in ten of those who said they were married, or in committed relationships, were also having secret relationships with someone online.
That’s not good news. If your partner is in a locked room with his computer, go and check on them.
Statistics relating to online affairs from the US Divorce Magazine survey revealed that:
• Only 46 per cent of men believe that online affairs are adultery.
• 80 per cent think it's OK to talk with a stranger identified as the opposite sex. 75 per cent think it's OK to visit an adult site.
• One-third of divorce litigation is caused by online affairs.
• Approximately 70 per cent of time online is spent in chatrooms or sending email. Of these interactions, the vast majority are romantic in nature.
• Because of the anonymity, affordability, and accessibility of internet sexual resources, the computer can accelerate the transition from "at risk" to "addicted", as well as the progression of sex addiction in those with a history of prior sexual compulsivity.
• 8–10 per cent of internet users become hooked on cybersex.
• Spouses who get hooked on internet porn are a growing complaint among spouses filing for divorce, according to a survey of 350 divorce attorneys. "If there's dissatisfaction in the existing relationship, the internet is an easy way for people to scratch the itch," said J Lindsey Short Jr, former president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, which conducted the study.
• 57 per cent of people have used the internet to flirt.
• 38 per cent of people have engaged in explicit online sexual conversation and 50 per cent have made phone contact with someone they chatted with online.
Researchers writing in the journal Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity report that many of the men and women who spend hours each week seeking sexual stimulation via their computers deny that they have a problem, and refuse to seek help until their marriages or their jobs – or both – are in jeopardy.
Recognising there is a problem is the starting point. A partner who suddenly demands privacy at the computer or perhaps taking his/her laptop to a secluded area might raise some suspicion. Groaning and panting are definitely suspicious.
Sex usually diminishes between partners and the addict seems preoccupied with new online activities. Those who cannot decide whether they have an addiction could try taking the cybersex addiction screening test, designed to assist the assessment of sexually compulsive or addictive behaviour. The test provides a profile of responses that help to identify men and women with sexually addictive disorders.
If you think you have a problem, discuss with your GP, or contact one of the many self-help groups available online.
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